Suckered again.....

And to think, I actually WANTED to be able to try and believe you again. To think I have had faith in you no matter what for some reason. To think I was willing to try to forgive you for the fuckery. So my repayment for all that is to look me in the eyes, and lie straight to my face apparently. I used to say, "I hope it's worth it". That has now been changed. I can ASSURE you, that you will find it was NOT, in fact, worth it to lie to me. You should have learned not to bite the hands that feed you LONG ago. It's a shame that it's going to take you waking up cold, alone, and half dead one day for you to really GET IT. You had a woman that has been your friend for 3 years. You had a woman that loved you despite all your faults and fuck ups. (she has been hurt, disappointed, and disgusted numerous times recently, but she still cared) I am done being all quiet and secretive about your bullshit. You have disappointed and disgusted me, your closest friends and family, and you insist on keeping on doing it. One day, you will find that all the places you have to turn to, will have disappeared....even the family will become completely sick of it.

You will have squandered every resource you have and every opportunity you had from loving and giving people to help you get yourself straight. You will have NO ONE to blame.....but YOU.

I watched the tears rolling out of your eyes and felt sick to my stomach. It broke my heart to watch it. I wanted to do anything I could to take away whatever demons you have that are eating at your soul. I listened to every word you said to me. I watched every single emotion play across your face last night. I believed the words you were saying to me. I believed you when you said you didn't want for people to look at you in disappointment and disgust. I believed you when you said you didn't like the person you've become. I believed you when you said you honestly want something better for yourself in your life. Worst of all, I believe d you, when you looked into my eyes and cried....saying how sorry you were for hurting me, lying to me....and that you truly love me and never meant for any of this to happen.

I've talked to friends and family, and heard all sorts of opinions on what to do. The caring, loving part of me (which is obviously the bigger part of me, and it keeps allowing me to get hurt) wants to wipe away all your issues, be there for you, stick by you, and do whatever it takes to get you the help you need. That part is my heart and it just wants to keep giving and giving...despite the many times it keeps getting shit on. My brain tells me to sweep you out the door with all the other trash and old news in my life. My brain tells me to snap and lash out and really do damage to you in whatever way I can. My brain tells me to make you pay for all these trashy, shitty, repulsive things you keep doing to me and your own family. My brain tells me you keep doing these things because no one ever makes you pay....so you think it's perfectly okay to just hurt people and destroy their trust.

I am so very upset right now while writing this to / for you. I keep trying to grasp why a person I've always been nothing but HONEST with would feel the need to lie to me so many times. I'd rather have the truth any day of the week, rather than walking back into the lies every time I turn around. I left home in a pretty good mood today, knowing that we'd talked, and had more talking to do. I felt a tiny bit of the weight that's been on my chest for weeks ease up a little. I had the smallest of smiles on my face....small, but a good start. For some reason, you just couldn't let that be I guess. I walked back through the door to be smacked in the face with your lies again.

Hurt me once....shame on you...
Hurt me twice, shame on me for letting it happen again...
Hurt me again, I start to feel like I deserve it for allowing it...

I didn't deserve this. I deserved the promises you made to me. I didn't sign up for this.

Shame on YOU.....    =(

Another Day, Another Let Down...

Ya know, I consider myself a good person on most days. Some days I remember things I've done in my past that were unsavory, but I've made amends and for the most part, I am a good human being. Why then, tell me, am I left with this empty, hurt feeling in the pit of my gut? Why again, is it not the first time I've felt this? Why are you now a person creating it, when for so long you've been a friend, confidant, someone I could trust? Why have I heard for years how much you love me, when the actions speak so differently from the words? Why would you choose things....substances....over me? Why? Better question is...HOW can you make that choice? How could those things be better for you than your own woman? Make you take from her, lose her respect, her trust?...her friendship??? None of those things were important to you, huh? I assure you, they were very important to her. Things that she held on to with certain people because she knew she could count on them to stay true.

Do you realize how much you hurt her with the things you did? You took away alot that can't be given back. Money, material things, they can all be replaced, but that feeling of safety is forever tarnished. Does that even bother you? You broke her trust once a long time ago, and she forgave you. She left it in the past enough to pack up and move AGAIN, to try to give herself a new start. She was a bit scared but not worried because she never thought for a second that you'd do anything to hurt her. It appears that her judging of character has become way off through the years.

I don't want to be bothered by what you did to me. I don't want to give two shits about what you do with your life from here on out. However, the more I think about all this the last few days, the more I realize just how hurt I really am. I am lashing out constantly...and even doing it to people who don't have shit to do with anything. I'm depressed and crying all the time. I don't feel like I can even laugh without forcing it. YOU did this, and I won't, for one fucking second let you forget it. I know you can't stand to hear me tell you about yourself...you don't want to "listen to this shit". Tough. If more people in your life didn't turn a blind damn eye to the bs...you wouldn't still be doing it, and you wouldn't have felt like you could do it to me.

I've heard you say a million times how you aren't anything special, how you're unattractive, how you don't deserve to be happy. We ALL deserve to be happy. You were, in fact, something very special to me. You and the other people here felt like family to me. I let myself feel like that because I needed to, due to lack of having my own family to be close to. You have effectively stolen that away from me, and I can't even begin to think of how to forgive someone for that.


You had it. You had everything you said you wanted. You'd gotten me here. You had a woman in your life that loved you no matter what you thought she felt. Look what you threw away for what amounts to nothing ( and the drinks, drugs, and other trash you're associating with ARE, in fact, NOTHING).....

For your sake....I hope it was worth it.

What is friendship?

I have been asking myself this question over and over again lately. I actually know what it is, but sometimes I wonder if other people know the definition to the word, or rather if they even really care at all what it's about deep down inside.

friend  (frɛnd)
— n
1.	a person known well to another and regarded with liking,affection, and loyalty; an intimate
2.	an acquaintance or associate
3.	an ally in a fight or cause; supporter
4.	a fellow member of a party, society, etc
5.	a patron or supporter: a friend of the opera
6.	be friends  to be friendly (with)
7.	make friends  to become friendly (with)

Now, don't get me wrong, there HAVE been times in my life when I wasn't always the greatest friend to some people. There are some of those times that I DO, in fact, regret. However, there are also others that I can say with certainty, I don't, and I never will. If I don't regret it then that should signify that the friendships in question weren't worth saving to me. It happens. I think in those certain situations, I was better off without having certain people as friends. For those people, I am glad they are gone and no longer a part of my life. We don't always remain friends with every single person we ever knew.

Then, we have those souls that come along that we meet, and we wonder how we ever made it this  far without these people in our worlds. I DO indeed have some friends like this. I have known some of them most of my life, and then there are some that I haven't known as long, but they are just as important to my life and survival. If I didn't have some of these crazy people in my corner, I honestly don't know what I would do.  I would probably fall into a great depression. (I have been there before too, and that depression crap is for the birds, so I hope I never have to experience that again!) To THOSE people, (and trust me, if they're in THIS category of friend, they already know who they are without me having to mention their names), I love you dearly and I hope you know that your participation in my world is greatly appreciated. You are a treasure to me and my days would be miserable without your loving additions. Always know that no matter where I am, or how far apart we may be....you are now and forever in my heart and soul and I won't ever let you go.

I know some folks that I would do anything in the world for....give them the shirt off my back, my last bite of food, everything I had, if they needed it to survive. If I've got it, these people already know there isn't anything  I would deny them. We give of ourselves to these kind of friends. It doesn't matter what it is. Sometimes all any of us need is for someone to just sit and listen to us let go of some of the things we're carrying around on our shoulders. This life isn't easy and it's nice that we can help one another get through some things with nothing more than a shoulder to lean on, a kind word, or a genuine smile. It took me a long time to realize it but I know how truly blessed I am to have some completely amazing people taking this journey called Life with me. I love knowing that I can call upon them when necessary, and hope they know that they can always do the same!

I adore those that have come to my rescue when I have been in some pretty dire straits. They have lifted me up out of pits of despair, when I thought I might just give up on life and everything. I am sure they had better things to be doing...their own lives to be living, but they took the time to be a ray of light for me in a very dark place. I honestly owe my very life to a few people. You can never know what it means to me to have you in my life.

I've lost hope and faith so many times in life, and it's been a friend that has smiled, wrapped their arms around me and let me know that I'm not alone and I never will be. They have built me back up and gave that hope back to me. Thank you to those people for believing in me.

What I DON'T understand is the people that call you "friend" and when it comes right down to it, they are never there. If you need them, you can never find them. You do all that you can to be there for people and they just turn their back on you, for absolutely no reason. I don't understand that fuckery now, and I swear I never will. I REALLY don't understand where all this unconditional affection and love I have for people comes from either. I can get dogged out by someone, treated like I don't exist, and yet I still care. It's a puzzle to me....one that I don't ever think I will ever be able to solve. The people that call you a friend to your face but won't hang out with you because they worry about what their OTHER friends will think...the people that only call you when they need you...that person that never talks to you...EVER....that person that smiles in your face and then talks about you behind your back. Where do these people come from? Ugh....I'll never "get it".

I guess it's time for me to start reevaluating some of the things in my life. I need to not worry as much about certain things and certain people. I need to stop caring about a lot of things altogether, but I know myself, and unfortunately, that will never happen. I'm too much of an emotional sucker I think.

Thank you for all the awesome times I have had with some of you, whether in person or online. You are just as important to me if we've never met. If I call you friend...that's exactly what I think of you and there are reasons for it. I'm so glad that some of us are always on the same page...walking side by side, smiling, laughing, and joking...on the same street.

Much love always....xoxo....G

Miss Thang

Dear  Miss Thang....


      This is just a personal note to you to let you know  that you are NOT all that. I'm assuming that you think you are just from your behavior, but I assure you, it's not the case. (I am also not alone in this assessment...believe that, for it is fact.) You may have many people snowed, but not me, nor shall you ever have me that way. I have a brain and eyes in my head. I see you.....right through you actually. I know your type and they are a dime a dozen. I pray you get it together real soon, because Karma is a bitch dear....and when she comes around...she's a mean mother fucker.

                                                                    Sincerely,
                                                                                    I'm Smarter Than You


Have a nice life.  ;)

Responsibility and Accountability

So, I've said I have a lot of shit on my mind lately, and that is very true. I have found myself wondering why people do certain things and also about the people in their lives that enable them to do the things they do. I'm not going to get detailed on this one or mention any names, because frankly it will just piss me off even more.

I think we all know those types of people that are constantly screwing up, fucking someone over, doing some dirt. Somehow, some of these people NEVER have to answer for the stuff they do. It's a cycle for them. They don't just do the shit once. It's an over and over again kind of thing. Everyone around them knows they are wrong for it, but people just turn a blind eye to it and carry on as if nothing is wrong. Frankly, I think it makes those side-liners just as responsible for the dirt as the person committing the offense. Am I wrong? Am I crazy?

    I've had people say to me "Oh, so and so has always been like that." So, that tells me that they just accept the dirt as 'how it is' and they keep on trucking. Sorry, but I don't get down like that. I can't just ACCEPT that it's okay to go around jacking shit up and hurting other people. I don't think it's alright to be allowed to do that and never have to answer for it or give a REAL apology for the things done that have hurt someone else.

I have done a lot of wacked out shit in my life but I have made peace with all my past demons and I can say I have learned my lessons and grown from the things that have transpired in my life. I've grown the hell up. It IS a shame it took me as long as it did to realize that some of my decisions weren't the greatest, and I have messed up a lot. I paid dearly for a lot of my indiscretions. I have lost a lot that I won't ever be able to get back. The key was learning from it and knowing that I couldn't travel those roads  anymore.

Some people don't ever get to that point though, do they?  Do we know why? I think so. I think they don't ever change because they aren't REQUIRED to. All the key players in their world just overlook all the foolishness and fuckery. They just react to all the dirt as if it is nothing more than mere normalcy. THEY should be just as accountable. How can they sit there and say they just don't understand why so and so is the way they are? Are you kidding me? YOU help them be that way! It's as if you are standing there with a big sign that says "I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO DO WRONG."  Do you really expect a person to change when most everyone they know acts as if nothing is amiss?

I've waited a long time to see the change in a number of people, and I have finally realized that it is never going to come. I've done the time in certain situations, wondering when the sun would finally shine through the dark clouds overhead. I was hopeful, and filled with faith. I have finally realized that my faith is sadly misplaced a lot. I have wasted a lot of years waiting for changes that were never going to come. I am thoroughly upset with myself right now as I sit here thinking about it.

I have been in situations where I deserved soooooo much more than I was getting and thought that if I just hung in there....just a while longer...I would eventually see my hopes and wants come to fruition. I was wrong. As long as some people have their posse of enablers always close at hand, their worlds will never change. I DO know that one day, the enablers will no longer be there, and those people are going to be left all alone...wondering where everyone went. I will almost feel sorry for them in THAT moment, for it could have all been avoided. So much pain and distress could be completely obliterated if people would just KEEP IT REAL. Whatever happened to that thing called honesty?

I hope for the sake of a few people that I care about that their enablers wake up and realize that they are doing more of a DISSERVICE to these people than helping. Let a person stand on their own two feet for a change. They NEED to be able to do that now....or the future is going to be a rude awakening.

A Decision Made.....Finally

So, I did it. I finally decided to take that next step to go back to school. I wish it hadn't taken me THIS long to do so. However, I guess it's better late than NEVER. I hopped online today and filled out the application for financial aid. That is taken care of. I'll just be waiting on a letter from them to make sure I get approved and can get it. I also went online and started registering at Terra Community College here in Ohio near where I'm living. I honestly feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I have started so many things when it comes to school and never completely finished ANY of them. I originally started at Cape Fear Community College back home in Wilmington, NC right after I got my GED. I decided I wanted to go for Criminal Justice. I took some classes here and there....the basics that ya get started with...and then never finished. I decided to take an advanced, speedy course at UNC-Wilmington to become a paralegal. I completed the ENTIRE duration of the classes. I had ONE exam left to get done...all I had to do was get up with my instructor and get it taken. Did I? Of course not. I found something else at the time to substitute in importance. I attended Miller-Motte Technical College in Wilmington too. I was in the massage therapy program there. I completed the entire 9 months of classes and book stuff. All I had left to do to be a licensed therapist was complete 120 hours of hands on massage in the clinic. I did ONE massage...on my mother and then I decided that following behind my "baby daddy" was much more important than completing my course so I could be making some decent money to support myself with. Oh yes, I am a smart one. LOL. The real shame here is that I AM indeed extremely intelligent. I could run circles around some people with the brain I've got in this head. I don't know what was wrong with me all those years.

That all changes starting now. I'm a 35 year old, divorced mother of four, who hasn't been able to take care of herself, or do for her kids like she should have been doing the last 14 years of her life.  I'm the first to tell ya that I think my kids got the  short end of the stick when they were strapped with me for a mother. However, I also am the first to say that I want my kids to have SOMETHING to be proud of when it comes to me.  It may have taken me forever to get to this point, but I WILL start something, and finish it if it's the LAST thing I do....even if it fucking kills me.  I am going back for computers. I am good with them, on them all the time,so might as well learn how to make a career out of being on them. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate having a job...especially with the way the economy is these days, but I absolutely REFUSE to be that woman working in the freaking Family Dollar for the rest of her life. The living paycheck to paycheck while making next to nothing, has run it's course. There is NO appeal to living like that. If I'm going to have to live paycheck to paycheck, I plan to do it making A LOT more money than I'm making now. I don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of at this point in my life and I can't stand it anymore. I've got absolutely NOTHING to call my own. At least with this decision made, and set in motion, I can get my dignity back.

Wish me luck.

Murphy's Law?

Whatever can go wrong...will. Isn't that the premise behind it. It should be renamed "Gina's Law", because it honestly just seems like the story of my fucking life. I don't know why I keep letting myself get comfortable with my life, or with any given situation. It seems like the exact moment I feel "comfy", is the moment when something just HAS TO go wrong. I don't understand that shit at all. It leaves me feeling upset, pissed off, frustrated. To be honest, it leaves me not trusting myself. I don't know that I can trust myself to make decisions that will affect my own fucking life anymore. I REALLY don't trust other people anymore either. Granted, there ARE a few I do trust completely, but those folks are few and far between.

I consider myself  a good person. I'm pretty sure there's SOME people that would agree with that. I'm honest with everyone....about everything....about who I am,  what I want out of life. I'm BLUNTLY honest to the point it can sometimes hurt a person's feelings, but I'd rather be that way than to lie to spare someone. Trust me, I wasn't always this way. There was a time when I was a little younger that I would lie in a heartbeat if I thought it would benefit me. I had to find out the hard way that lying always does more harm than good. I guess what bothers me, is when the people that have only known the straightforward, blunt, honest Gina...choose to lie to me or keep shit from me. It happens ALL the time, and it sucks in a big way when I have to find out later...after the fact...and from someone else. I'm woman enough to own up to my own shit. Why can't other people do the same thing? Why lie to someone about stuff they are going to find out about anyway? Why make the decision to insult someone's intelligence like that? Don't people realize that in situations like that, NO ONE wins. Someone is bound to come out on the losing end. I can assure you that that person is NEVER AGAIN going to be GINA!

Yes, I'm totally venting. Sometimes I have to do that. I keep seeing shit like this all the time, and it just  really pisses me right the hell off. End rant.