30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 1: First Love..what they meant/ mean to you

My First Love! I swear I'll never forget the man...EVER! (I honestly don't know why either lol) His name was Jim Bonetti. I was 16 years old, and he was 24. He was a member of one of those lowrider truck clubs that used to be so popular back when I was in high school. I remember the first time I laid eyes on the man. I was hanging out at the boardwalk in Carolina Beach, N.C. The truck club guys were riding around the loop like they did every weekend, showing off their "phat rides" (because apparently that makes you cool to show your shit off like that). I remember clearly hearing all these little girls when they talked about him, and all they were speaking about was his stupid truck. I got to wondering about the man behind the truck. (I REALLY thought it was sad that all they cared about was his vehicle). Ha, back then I was a caring, compassionate type. Where did the old me go?
Lawd, I remember seeing him out of the truck for the first time. He had the cutest baby face. That was all I could see through the truck window. When he got out, I laid eyes on the shortest, shrimpiest little fellow I'd ever seen. He couldn't have been taller than 5'5". I laughed out loud when comparing him to myself at about 5'11" already at that point. My gf Tonya introduced us, and I immediately found myself talking to someone with a brain, and ideas, and an awesome sense of humor. Every misconception I'd had about him being some "engine head" who only cared about trucks, flew right out the window.  He was amazing in my eyes, and OOOOPSIE, this 16 year old was immediately crazy about him...despite the midget thing! LOL!

He basically courted me like relationships back in the day. I fell for that man more and more everyday. He came and met my parents (they fell in love with him too I might add), though my mother had a SERIOUS complex about his height. She couldn't let it go, and I had long since forgotten about it. I also have to add they detested his truck and the bass that rattled their windows on the front of the house!  ;)

I "dated" Jim for 11 1/2 months, doing all sorts of fun things along the way with him. He was, in my opinion back then, the greatest thing to ever have been created and placed on earth. I ended up giving up my virginity to him, February 7, 1994. A week later, I called his phone and left him a voice mail telling him I was in love with him. (Wow, I was seriously pathetic.)

Jim Bonetti was my introduction into this thing called love. It ended up being a hard lesson to learn. After almost a year of being with me, he just as quickly disappeared once I'd given him that which was most precious to me. If I'm being honest, it destroyed a huge part of the person I could have been. ( I can't say I wish I'd never known him). He taught me a very valuable lesson. You never really know someone, even when you think you do. I never, in a million years, would have thought he'd destroy my young impressionable heart the way he did.

Dear Me......

Dear Me,

I just wanted to let you know a few things.
I forgive you for the things you've done wrong in your life. You've worked hard to make amends for so much. Granted, there were times that your apologies weren't accepted, but you did what was right and made honest, true apologies to the people you've felt you've wronged.  Don't live your life full of regrets, because at some point, the things you've done were things that you actually wanted to do.  You live and learn. That's how it's done.
You should also know this....I will always love you, no matter who else does. Love has to begin somewhere. You wouldn't be able to love anyone else if you didn't love yourself. It took you a long time to get to the point where you COULD love  you. Don't let the things other people say or do to you, make you lose the faith that you have in yourself.  Never let another person's actions take away the love for yourself that you worked so very hard to reclaim. That love belongs to you, and you alone. No one should ever be able to take that away.
Know that you are no longer the same person you were many years ago. The situations and events in your life have forever changed the girl you used to be and made you into the woman you are now.  You've endured many things that many people would not have been able to. You're fortunate to be sitting there typing this letter to yourself.  You found out in ways that no one should have to, just how truly full of STRENGTH you really are. You should be proud of the things you have come through, and the bridges you have crossed.  You should really learn to stop beating yourself up for your past mistakes. Do what you can to rectify them, and leave the rest up to a higher power.
Ignore the "haters" in your life. There will ALWAYS be someone out there who won't be happy unless they are trying to make someone else miserable.  These people do not deserve your time or energy.  You have more important things to worry about in your life. Those people are nothing to you. They never will be. Just keep your head up, eyes straight....and never stop pushing forward to reach the goals you set for yourself.
Turn your back to the people in your life that do nothing but lie to you. These people don't deserve you either. Just continue to follow the path you've been on for all these years. Be honest with the people in your life.  Make sure to never let yourself be "that" person. Keep it real with those you care for, no matter what. They deserve the same as you.
Last but not least....remember to always be true to yourself.  Don't ever go back to being a person who worries about what "everyone else will think".  You lived too many years of your life worrying about how every word you said, and every move you made might appear to someone else. You were a miserable person for a very long time. Those days are gone. Know that as long as you stay true to Gina, everything else will  come or go as it may.  Never again let yourself forget that you are a beautiful woman and human being...inside and out. Those that can't see it are blind and you will figure out that you don't need them either. 

Be true. Be beautiful. Be you.

Love, Me.



G.F.C
1-17-11
1:21 a.m.

The Passing of "Jackass" star Ryan Dunn

First off, let me say, I don't EVER like hearing of anyone passing away...celebrity or otherwise. That being said, I AM sorry for the loss of his family, friends, and fans. However, my thoughts are on such a different track than most other people's are today. I'm irritated as hell that so many people are bummed that "such a hysterical guy is gone" or "the good ones always die young". Yes, it's a shame that someone who was able to entertain SO many people is now gone. Yes, it's a sad thing when young people are killed or pass away. Does NO ONE see this through my eyes? Am I the only one who can't get all upset over hearing that someone who was out the night prior to his death, partying it up, Tweeting pics of himself and his buddies drinking their livers into oblivion? I guess I am just a heartless, cruel fucking bitch then, because for the life of me; I can't seem to summon up too much sympathy for a man that got behind the wheel of a car (obviously after consuming God knows how much alcohol) and chose to endanger his OWN life and the life of other innocent people. Sorry! Call me a bitch! I'm sure I can handle it.

The last pic anyone sees of this man, he is sucking down drinks Sunday night. He is killed in a car crash, along with another unknown person. Yes, death, from any means is sad, but THIS right here, just pisses me the fuck off. Every time I see this picture, it's going to infuriate me. I wasn't a Jackass fan, but I have many friends who were. Even some of their posts related to his passing are beginning to chap my ass as well.

I suppose I'm just irritated by the knowledge that yet ANOTHER person was out drinking with their buddies, and chose to get behind the wheel of a car. He and countless others are grown ass adults with NO valid excuses for making such a choice. There was another human being in his car too. Lord knows if that person was sober or under the influence either. Ugh. I just can't fathom people who make that choice. NO ONE should be getting behind the wheel after drinking...PERIOD. I don't care if it's "only a couple drinks". It's completely fucking irresponsible. The bad thing, is that it's usually not even the drunk driver who gets injured in accidents where drinking was involved. It's usually some innocent bystander, with not a clue of what is about to happen to them.

I've dealt with the drinking and driving personally. I've been involved with 2 different men in my life that wouldn't hesitate to hop their drunk asses in a car and go careening into the night. They could have cared fucking less about anyone else on the road. THAT is fucking scary. I can't tell you how many nights I wondered if I'd ever see them again. My nightmares were filled with visions of destroyed cars and innocent families mangled beyond recognition. I would bitch and bitch until I was blue in the face about the dangers of taking risks like that. All my words went ignored. All my pleas to stop risking the lives of innocent people and themselves went unheeded. I prayed sometimes for them to be pulled over and arrested, yanked off the streets like the criminals that they were being. (Does this make me wrong? If so, I'll just sit here in all my fucking wrongness and revel in it).

Seriously people, there is NO reason in this world that is valid enough to excuse placing yourself behind the wheel of a vehicle and endangering someone else. I don't care WHO you are. It's ESPECIALLY maddening to see someone in a celebrity capacity doing it, when they are CLEARLY role models for so many.  Somewhere right now, there is some complete tool whose brain capacity is diminished (some dumb ass Jackass fan) who is celebrating Ryan's life with a few drinks, and they're going to get behind the wheel of a car later, and decide to drive somewhere. God willing, that person or persons will make it to their destination. Someone, somewhere, will not be so lucky. I hope and pray that in their stupidity, they don't take out some innocent person with them.

In closing, I really have only one thing to say. If your stupid fucking ass drinks and chooses to drive, you are CLEARLY a fucking

Enough said!

Forces

Distance
        and differences
Space
         and time
Forces beyond our control
          Things and beings
All designed to separate
Distance....
           so close, yet so far
No matter the effort
           some distances prove too far to cross
Differences....
           not always seeing eye to eye
Never realizing
           that differences are a part of us
Space.....
           so much of it
More than enough....
           too much...
                so difficult to cross that space
Time....
           never on our side
                never the right moment
           Always missing that window.....
                      fleeting opportunities...
Forces beyond our control...
           I want the control back...
                  I need the forces to work....
                                 for me.


Originally written:
January 5, 2011
6:22 p.m.
G.F.C.

Incomplete......

So lost.
I'm in the myriad of mazes of my own mind.
No clear direction.
No soft and calming voices telling me where to go.
No helpful hands to show me what to do.
I can picture all my wants, hopes, and dreams.
I can see them so clearly.
Please, someone tell me how to reach them.
Incomplete.
Years of this feeling.
Cruel mirages making me think I'd come close.
Tricks of the mind.
Darkness.
Tricks of the heart.
Light.
Gone again...where did it go?
Silent screams in the night.
So many tears I refuse to let fall.
Sanity.
I think it's slipping.
Desperately clinging to it.
Firm grip.
Tired...so tired of holding on.
Strength.
I can feel it peeking from the recesses of my soul.
How is it possible it's still here?
Close, yet so far.
Still incomplete.
Something is missing.
What is it?
Where is it?



Originally written:
January 15, 2011
8:07 pm
G.F.C.

What I See

Eyes closed.
What do I see?
I see so much....so clearly.
Many faces.
Those filled with love.
Some filled with hate.
So many filled with lies.
Smiles.
Which ones are real?
Anger.
Where does it originate?
Fake behaviors.
Why are they even necessary?
Love.
It flows through me like a rushing river.
Always constant.
Never ending.
Real.
True.
Hate.
Often buried deep.
Unresolved issues.
Born of pain....deep seated.
Harsh.
Lies.
Always there.
Don't understand them.
I see them all.
See everything through these windows.



Originally written:
January 16, 2011
10:57 p.m.
 G.F.C

Broken

Pieces.
I'm broken inside.
Thoughts and feelings scattered to the winds.
Lost.
Confused.
Hurt.
So much pain.
Heart.
Ripped at the seams.
Holes that can't be healed.
Love.
Always like a dagger in my breast.
Wounds that never stop bleeding....
Aching.
Lonely...
Even in a crowded room.
No one hears the voice that screams so loudly in my mind.
Existing.
Not living.
Just...
Broken.


Originally written:
January 19,  2011
5:56 pm
G.F.C