Where I'm At.....

 I can't say that I'm "gloriously happy" with my life or anything like that, but I am quite content. I'm not feeling stressed out every day wondering where the next meal will come from, or how I will afford cigarettes (which keep my stress level down a bit and keep me from going on a murderous rampage lol).

        I suppose I should back up just a tad. In November of last year, I was the happiest I have been in a long time. While I was giving up everything I'd known the prior three years; my job, my apartment, my few friends there in Belleville, IL...I was excited and embarking on a new chapter in my life. I was so sure of myself, and knew in my heart and soul that the decisions I was making were finally right for me for the first time in a lot of years. I walked away from all that to be with someone who made me wanna get up every morning. I didn't blink an eye when I gave it all up. I knew it was right. Fast forward to three months later, and I'm spending a lot of time by myself in a new town, crying, jobless, boyfriendless, and wondering what the hell is going to happen to me and my life. I was BEYOND miserable. My heart was broken, and breaking repeatedly on a daily basis. I lost almost 30 pounds in about 3 weeks. Then I was left to figure out where to go from there. I ended up shacking up with my son's father (my ex husband) for about a month and a half. Now, while I wasn't "miserable" being around my ex, I felt so out of place and the living situation was just so weird to me. Funny how you can be married to someone for 5 years, share a child with them, and then find it feeling so very foreign to be sharing a living space with them again. That's how it was for me though. I couldn't find a job there, and though staying in a place that was at least closer to two of the kids was what I wanted, I needed to be able to find work, and that meant finding somewhere else to go.


        I ended up going to South Carolina. Of course, I knew ahead of time that the person I'd be living with wanted to be in a relationship with me. I wasn't ready for that title again though. He knew it too, but assured me it wasn't something I'd have to worry about. I guess I should have been smarter about it. I should have known that living in the same space and being that intimately involved with someone would eventually lead to more pushing for what they wanted to begin with. I suppose I DID know that, but I just desperately wanted to be somewhere where I wasn't feeling stressed, or weird, or pressured. I thought that I'd have that kind of environment in S.C. in that situation. I was wrong. I couldn't find work, despite all the applications I'd filled out. While he was good to me, and there wasn't any fighting...there was always that need for that "coveted title" hanging over my head. Even when it wasn't being spoken about, it was there, like a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode. Eventually, that's what happened. The situation being what it was, wasn't enough. It never would have been...not for him. He needed more, and I just wasn't willing or able to give that "more". Looking back on it, I have found myself sometimes questioning if my inability to give that makes me a bad person. I'm sure some people might think it does. However, I have to be able to live with myself. I can't just give something to a person because it's what THEY need. I should put myself in that situation just to appease others? I can't do that, so in the end, I am left looking like the bad guy. I am eventually subjected to name calling and attempts to tarnish who I am as a person. It's okay though. I have been called a lot in my life, and I'm sure there will be more.

       I find myself in Ohio 4 months after leaving Illinois. I'm close to being back in the same area I started out at in March. I didn't see this one coming, but when I decided that leaving S.C. was a necessity, an option to come here was presented to me. I wasn't going to be thrust into the environment of a stranger. I'd known Jim about 3 years, (online that is) and he was far from a stranger to me. Even though the decision to leave South Carolina was MINE, I was hurt by the need to do so, and scared to death about having to start over somewhere new, AGAIN.  I WAS miserable on that bus ride to Ohio. It had nothing to do with anyone but me. I found myself watching all these towns go by...again...and it just made me sick when I thought about the fact that my move to Jacksonville, IL was SUPPOSED TO BE my very LAST one. I never intended to go anywhere else. I wanted to get my shit together...find work...try to go back to school, and figure out scheduling to be able to see my kids as much as possible. Yet, here I was, on my way back to the middle of the country to start all over again. Yay me.  =\

      Sooooooo, I make it to Ohio. I got here right towards the end of July. Haha...I really can't remember the exact date. I sat around in here for about a week. I pretty much stayed to myself in the room. LOL. I know some people would find it hard to imagine....ME, being holed up in a room, too shy to talk to anyone. I am that way though. It takes me a minute to warm up to people in person sometimes. I eventually started coming out into the kitchen to sit and talk with Jim's mother while he was at work. Turned out she was really easy to talk to, and thankfully didn't tell me to shut the fuck up because I talk to much!  =)
It really only took me about a week and a half to find a job once I started looking. That was awesome too, and a blessing. I've essentially been out of work since November of last year. It was getting really fucking old...depending on other people, and not being able to help out with anything financially. Some people got to hear about the drama I was dealing with trying to find work through a temp agency (those places should be outlawed because they are GAY...just sayin'). It was a total relief to know I'd have a regular job and wouldn't have to deal with any staffing company. Granted, I'm not making a lot of money working at this Family Dollar, but I will finally be able to pay my own cell phone bill again, and start paying back some people I owe for the help they've been giving me since I've been in this shitty unemployed period. Hell, if it wasn't for my friend Buzz in Illinois, I'd have had no phone. He's been paying it for months. Shit, he even covered the bill when the person I shared the contract with decided to switch companies, and left me stranded with about $200 worth of bill that belonged to them. I'll finally be able to start paying him back now. Thank Gawd! (I detest being broke and helpless. It made me feel like a complete fucking loser, and I'm NO loser dammit.)

       Jim has been a source of comfort to me since I've been here. He actually started being a source of comfort before I ever left S.C. to be honest. He just tried to tell me as much as possible that I'd get the situation figured out, would make the decision I felt was best for me, and not to worry about anything else.  Jim has been interested in me since 3 years ago when we first met. That made me so wary about this option to move to Ohio. I didn't want to be in the same position as I was in S.C..  Choosing to go to S.C. cost me some things that were very important to me. First, it cost me my "relationship" with Mark because he felt it was a mistake to go (and I might add he was right) and then it ended up costing me my friendship with Jason. I was close to Jason. He was one of my best friends. I trusted him, could talk to him, and was promised our friendship would always be safe. It wasn't. We don't talk anymore, and that's a painful thing to deal with in some ways. I guess mainly because it appears our friendship wasn't that strong after all. That's never a realization people enjoy. So there I sat, wondering if this move was gonna be another one of my "not so bright" ideas.  So far, so good. While I know exactly what end result is "desired" by Jim, he also doesn't push me at all. He HAS questioned me a couple times about it, but knows that I have my reasons for not wanting that title. I hate that once again, I'm in a situation where someone wants something from me that I honestly don't have to give when they want it. I just keep holding onto the fact that I've been completely honest about what's in my mind and in my heart. Do I love and care about Jim? Yup, sure do....always have really. If there hadn't been some lies told years ago, we might have actually ended up together awhile back. That didn't happen...but such is life. You can't turn back the clock and change the mistakes you make in life and have a "do over". If ya could, we'd all be changing a lot of shit I'm sure. I've long since learned to stop doing the "what ifs". You can't live life wondering what would have happened if you'd done things differently in the past. Living like that will cause you to miss things happening in the present.

         I'm trying really hard not to close my mind to the possibilities of good things happening in my life. People who actually know me, know that I try to stay as upbeat as possible (which is one hell of a feat all by itself considering some of the shit I've endured in life).  I have hope, and I have learned that hope is one hell of a seriously powerful force. It has kept me from shutting myself off from everyone and every thing. I could have done that long ago. As long as I have that hope and faith in me...even the slightest little sliver of it...I think I might be okay. If I didn't have that, I might be totally alone right now. Let's be honest...no one wants that. I don't anyway. I just hope that one of these days I'll figure out what I'm doing here...what I want out of life, and who is the perfect person to share this thing called life with me. I can dream, right?  <3