30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 9: Tell us about the first time you ever made love (not had sex)

Ya know, I actually went to the online dictionary, and typed in the phrase "making love" to see what ITS definition of it was. It basically said "sexual activities, usually including sexual intercourse, between two people". Okay, hmmm, so that is my definition of the word SEX. If I go by Dictionary.com's definition, then I have "made love" during every sexual experience I've had, and well, that's just a crock of fucking horse shit.

When I think of making love, I think of it being on a plane that isn't even CLOSE to just "having sex". I think of an amazing feeling, like there's no other people in the world but the two that are making love. I imagine intense passion, smoldering looks, sweet words, touches that feel like fire on your skin, heights never reached that leave both parties breathless.

I picture caressing, taking your time with each other, exploring every single inch of your partner's body,  gazing into each other's eyes and not seeing a person in the world but them....

I imagine feelings of ecstasy so intense and powerful that you can't even keep your eyes open. I imagine not being able to speak because I'm just too busy "feeling" what's happening to me. I imagine it would be like never wanting the feeling to end.....

I expect it would be one of the most glorious feelings a human being could ever experience. Two people, completely on the same wavelength, emotionally and physically....bonded to each other......

I imagine two bodies, clasped together, sweating and moving in a perfect rhythm with one another. I see heads thrown back, eyes rolled into their heads, and the screams and moans of satisfaction on their way to release as the couple finds release together......

I see two people, exhausted, spent...intertwined together as they drift off to sleep in each other's arms. I see making love as an experience so ethereal that there is nothing that can come close to that feeling in that moment. I see making love as a gift so special that not many people actually share this magic together.


I think both people have to be completely in love in order for making love to even exist. I think too many people label casual sex, or sex with a significant other as making love. You may be a couple, and you may have sex, but that does NOT mean you are "making love".  I have loved people that I've been intimate with. Does that mean we made love? No, unfortunately, it does not. I have been with someone that I loved so intensely that it made my heart ache. Does this mean I was making love? No, not it doesn't. I think everyone just KNOWS that moment in their heart when it's happening. They know instantly, that they are on that same plane...that same plateau with that person. I, regretfully in fact, know that I have yet to experience the true meaning of making love. I hope that one day I'll know the magic that some people have been so blessed to achieve.

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for

When I originally looked through the list of topics for this challenge, at first glance, I thought this one would end up being an easy answer. I thought, "Pffft, that's easy! My kids of course!" However, after some thought, my answer is ME.

I've spent a lot of years disliking myself because of things that happened in my past. I was conceived, born, and then given away by my biological parents (I realize NOW, that was supposed to be an act of love on their parts, but that doesn't mean I don't still have issues over it). I was adopted by 2 people (who in all reality, had NO freaking business being parents). I'll say they "tried" but even THAT is pushing it and being far too nice about the shit. Part of growing up and becoming an adult is having your own mind. Apparently, in my family, that business is frowned upon, because once I knew I had my own and started voicing it, I became the dysfunctional child. I'm the one who doesn't ever do anything right, doesn't do shit by the "rules" (whatever the fuck those even are), the one they wouldn't have adopted if they'd known how I'd turn out.

I've endured some seriously fucked up relationships. I've been with a couple of men who saw me as their personal punching bag. I had it drilled into me on a daily basis just how little they felt I was worth and sadly, as it is with so many other abuse victims, I came to believe that all they said was true. I went through it for about 12 years before I kindly excused myself from those kinds of relationships. It's a shame it took me that long to get out. The really sad thing about women (or men) that have been abused is that the feelings of negativity towards themselves, don't just vanish the instant they're no longer in those relationships anymore. It can sometimes takes YEARS for them to overcome the mental damage that is done. (Some people NEVER overcome it). I'm one of those that it took years to come out on the other side into enlightenment. I didn't even go to counseling or therapy or anything (though that certainly would have been an awesome help if I'd been able to afford to). I owe my personal journey to "recovery" to a string of really awesome friends along the path of my life. I had a very low self image. I'd been told for a long time how fat and ugly I was. It got to the point where I couldn't even stand to look at my damn self in the mirror.  Once I was free of the bonds of those relationships, I had men coming up to me, and telling me how beautiful they thought I was ALL the time. Of course my reaction was always negative. I would tell them to quit with the lies and bullshit. I'd let them know I thought they were just all about "getting in my pants".  Things were so bad in my life at one point, that I actually tried to kill myself, by swallowing a bottle of pills. (Feel free to insert 2x4 forehead smacks on me here). Luckily, I didn't succeed.

Well, it took a long time, but now I don't react like that anymore. I can take compliments a whole lot better than I used to, and I know that it's not always about someone trying to get something out of me. I can hear someone call me something negative, and those old feelings don't come rushing back anymore. I can spot the negative people a little easier now before they have a chance to do any damage to me. (I'm only human, however, and some have made it past the walls and attempted to bring me down again).  I look in the mirror now and think "You're not perfect, but NO ONE is. You are smart! You are beautiful, no matter what anyone else thinks! You deserve the best, and you damn well better go out there and get it!"

So, I made my life worth living. I'M freaking worth it. I "could have" lost it several years ago, and for some reason, I'm still here. That's a bit of an eye opener. I'm still kicking, and there's a lot left for me to do on this earth. I've got 4 gorgeous kids here that I love and I'd like to be around for. I'm a human being, and I make mistakes (A LOT lol) but that's what it's all about. Life doesn't give you reasons to make it worth living...you have to make that happen for yourself.

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 8: Do you think you can be in love with 2 people at the same time?

So many people would say that being in love with two people at the same time isn't humanly possible. I truly believe it is. I only say this because I've experienced it. I didn't start out that way. I was originally just in love with the one man...a man I couldn't have, but that's neither here nor there. My love for him made it impossible to be with anyone else. I even tried dating other people because I knew I couldn't be with him. What a funky thing love is. It can make you feel so wonderful inside. It's an awesome feeling to be in love with someone, but so very painful when you can't even come close to being with your heart's desire. Unfortunately, knowing that you can't be with them, doesn't make the feeling go away...so it stays. It stays and grows, and is an active part of who you are.

Mark...probably the most intense, most strong, most powerful love of my life. He was also the love I couldn't have. He was the best friend, my confidant....the one I went to when life was getting me down or felt like it was falling apart. He was the one who came into my life at the time I was feeling my lowest. He was my "Sunshine". (I've written about him before). He was the only thing that could put a smile on my face for a very long time. To me, he was my "savior". (It's sad that no one I knew in person could reach me in that dark place I was in. Doesn't say much for my connections with people I know, does it?) He made me feel like there was something worth caring about. He brought color back into my life when I needed it the most. Impossible as it may have seemed to some, there was a super strong connection and bond between us. There isn't ANYTHING I wouldn't have done for him. The friendship between us was always more important to me than anything else. I have always known in my heart that I'd love him forever...no matter if the type of love changed. I documented that love in a permanent fashion. Like I said...when I love, I love hard.....

(My little penguin is kinda cute, isn't he? lol. The penguin thing was one of mine and Mark's private joke things. Thought it was only appropriate that it be my symbol of him.)


Then I met Josh....my whirlwind love....the one that snuck up on a girl. He was the unexpected love. I never would have expected to fall for him....but "whoops there it is". Haha. I guess you just never know when a person will come into your life, or the ways they will touch your being once they've crossed paths with you....

I think this particular man touched my mind first. I instantly knew he was smart. I don't know how I knew there was a lot more of a brilliant mind behind him, but I knew it like I know the sun rises every day. I knew it in my gut, and all I wanted was a chance to know more of what was inside him. He's not hard on the eyes by any means...a definite cutie. The brilliant mind, coupled with an awesome sense of humor, and I was pretty much a goner. I'm such a sucker. Wouldn't you say? I'm not impressed by things some other people are. I don't care about what a man drives or how much money is chillin' in his bank account. I have just always been the girl who was more impressed with who people were inside. Josh is a lot more like me then he could ever imagine. We're both souls that have been troubled for years from the events of our lives....both "damaged goods". He allowed me glimpses of the man underneath and that's probably what snared my heart. I wasn't allowed to see that guy a lot and that's a shame, but it didn't deter me from still loving him. I gave my heart and soul with him like I always do. Those of us that "go hard" no matter what can't just stop ourselves from loving that way. It is a blessing and a curse at the same time.

I allowed myself to distance from Mark when I met Josh. It was the first time in years that my heart allowed me to truly open for someone else. I went with it, and loosened the bond between myself and Mark so that I could truly give myself to Josh. I didn't want complete separation from the man who I had been so close to for four years, but I wanted to be happy. Mark was married and living his life, and I wanted the same thing. I believed in my heart that I deserved it and wanted that happiness more than anything. I stopped communication between us, seeing it as the best thing for myself and my new relationship.

When things fell apart with Josh, and I was falling apart inside....I turned to Mark. I suppose I know I shouldn't have because I'd left him in the dark and severed communication. I was astounded when he heeded my calls of desperation. I guess that bond was still powerful. I don't know how well I would have dealt with the loss of my relationship with Josh if it hadn't been for Mark's "presence" back in my life. Even while I was trying to hold on to the last pieces of hope for Josh and myself, Mark was there for me, though he did not agree with my choice to fight for the relationship. 

I loved them both....with everything I had, at the same time. Even with the time without Mark actively there, he was still in my heart. You can't just eradicate important people and feelings from your life. I've never been able to do that. I got different things I needed from both of them. No two people are the same and you just can't get everything you need in life from one person. I mean that in all kinds of relationships...not just the romantic ones. In this case...Josh was the one who was holding me in his arms..... but Mark always held my hand....even when he wasn't really there.....

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

This topic brings up one of my greatest fears in life...and this blog entry will be the shortest one EVA! I hope that I never have to bury one of my children before me. I'm supposed to go first. My children have long, full and very impressive futures ahead of them. I may not use mine all the time, but my kids have good brains and they got that from ME! I don't ever want to see one of those brilliant lights go out in my lifetime. That is all!

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

This is totally going to be the easiest entry I ever type. At this point in my life, my MAIN concern is to get back to working and go back to school. I have started so many things in my life and never finished a damn thing. It's time to get my shit together and do what I should have had accomplished YEARS ago. I want a degree! I know that nowadays there's people out there with more than one degree and can't find work, but I'd like to have it anyway. I need to prove to myself and a few other people that I'm not as worthless as some people think.

I've been to school for criminal justice, paralegal, and the last time, it was to be a massage therapist. I'm the fucking Queen of starting something but never finishing it. That is going to change as soon as I can make it possible. I'm always online and I'm good with computers, so I am going back for a degree in IT.. It will most likely be programming or something along those lines. I am a smart person and I always have been. I've made good grades in everything in school. It's time to put this brain to some good use. I'm currently unemployed which is fucking PAINFUL, but I've done this paycheck to paycheck life for years, and it's so old. I can't do it anymore. I want to be able to have a decent life and now that I'm back in my kids' lives, I want to be able to have something to show for the life I lead. If I do nothing else in my life....I want to one day be able to make my children proud of me!

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 7: Have you ever been deeply in love? Explain.

I've really got to say something up front about this one. I don't ever love half-assed. So the answer is most definitely a YES! I think this is why I end up feeling so hurt if a relationship doesn't work out. I give my all, my everything, to that person. I don't know any other way to love but DEEP. I've been sitting here trying to think if this was going to be about just one man, but it can't be...because after some reflection on it, I've been deeply in love 3 times in my life. I've loved other people before, but as far as that gut wrenching, all-encompassing kind of love....just three.

I'd have to say my first deep love was someone I've already written about in this challenge....my first love, Jim Bonetti. There's actually something really funny about all this. I wrote that blog entry for this challenge about him, and two days later, I saw his name on a post on another friend's wall. I haven't seen or heard anything out of Jim Bonetti for 18 YEARS, and there his name was staring out at me like a neon sign, 2 days after writing a blog about my first love. Talk about twilight zone shit right there! (I have since added him to my Facebook friends list and chatted with him a couple times). So, he was my first deep love. Granted, I was 16 years old, very young and inexperienced, but I knew the feeling when it hit me. Like I said in the last blog about him, I was concerned more with the person he was inside than with what all the other little girls in town wanted from him. He had a reputation for being a lady's man. I never saw that side of him. I suppose because I didn't meet him in that capacity. I wasn't trying to "hook up". I kind of got thrust into meeting him. He wasn't like all the other guys. He paid attention to me. Jim was smart in my eyes, and a hard worker. He was always at work, or working on his lowrider truck. He included me in stuff, and was a pretty popular guy. (I'm sure a lot of the popular girls he knew back then were wondering what in the hell he was doing with some no name person like me).  I knew I loved him long before I ever told him. I was comfortable with him, and he never pressured me for anything. That deep love I felt led me to give him that most precious part of me, and even though things didn't work out with him, I CAN'T say I regret him being my first. The man was my first EVERYTHING lol.

My second time being truly in love, was the MOST intense, and also one of the ways that is most looked down upon. His name is Mark, and he took up four years of my life. We met online, and have never met in person, but I can honestly say, the love I felt for him was deeper and stronger than pretty much any love I've ever known. We met on Pogo about 4 years ago, and INSTANTLY clicked. Our personalities are identical. He's definitely like the male version of Gina. (Gawd help the world lol). I wasn't even initially attracted to the man. (He always hated me reminding him of that). What I WAS attracted to, was the connection between us, instantaneous and strong right from the beginning. Where you saw one online, you saw the other....ALWAYS. He came along at a time in my life when I was shut down completely on an emotional level. In my opinion, life was SHIT, and I was content to stay wrapped up inside that deep dark hole I felt I was in. Mark brought me out of it.He was my "Sunshine". (That was his nickname from me, which incidentally was my first tattoo...a penguin, private joke between he and I, and Sunshine written under it). He was my sanity. He gave my sanity back to me anyway. I could talk to him about anything...anytime, no matter what it was, he would listen. He offered comfort and advice (not that I ever took advice well lol). Mark was my best friend. I became dependent on him....completely. I think we were actually dependent on each other. It's like we couldn't function all day without talking to each other. I got to know him VERY well in that first 8 months. There wasn't a day we weren't online together less than 8 hours a day. ( I was unemployed and he worked from home a lot doing computer programming). Everything about us was intense...every convo, every feeling, every shared connection. We admitted that we knew if we were ever together in the same room, it would be like spontaneous combustion. I was in love, and very vocal about it...and I realized it within the first 6 months. It took Mark a lot longer to admit he felt something too. He is like most people in the world. If he can't touch it, taste it, see it in person, then it isn't real. I KNEW he felt something, but me knowing it inside and him admitting to it were two different things. I needed the admission. I didn't want to be the only one feeling crazy inside like that. I needed it to be mutual so badly. I got my admission about 2 years in. Long story short, we argued just as intensely as we loved each other. It's hard to have feelings for someone you can't get to. For him it was A LOT harder because of the non-tangibility factor.  He ended up dating a "fuck buddy", then eventually married her. I was still there the whole time. Neither one of us seemed to be able to manage to "walk away". HE tried....several times, in fact, but he always ended up coming back. It eventually started causing problems in his marriage. The wife and I even got into it. She admitted to me that she knew his feelings for me were far more than just a friendship and that he had a NEED, and not just a desire, to talk to me. Therefore, I was a threat to her marriage. Mark and I saw each other through a lot of personal issues...some deaths of important people...family stuff...my relationship attempts...and problems in his marriage due to his inability to "let go" of me. I firmly believe none of my attempts to be with someone during those 4 years were successful due to being in love with him. No one measured up to my idea of him in my mind. He was married, so naturally I had resigned myself to the fact that I was never going to be with him, but both of us needed each other in the other one's life. We decided to stay friends. There was the occasional "crossing of the line" between us. We never seemed to be able to stop doing that. (Our friendship is currently over, but that didn't happen until quite recently, and that's another blog altogether).

The third time, I've also written about him. He was my last / most recent love. Josh. Ahhhhh Josh. What can I say. He was my whirlwind love. The kind that sneaks up on you. I didn't even realize how MUCH I loved him, until after we broke up, or should I say...until after HE broke up with me. That most definitely was NOT my choice of things to do. Pffffft. Other than Mark, there hadn't been a man in YEARS that made me truly want to be a part of a relationship...until Josh. I was crazy about him. He was smart, funny as hell, and I just wanted to be a part of that. I wanted to soak up all that and bring it into myself. It was probably THE fastest I have ever fallen for somebody in my life. Crazy, stupid love, but completely intense, and profoundly real. I don't think there's ever been a man that has intrigued me as much as he did, and still does to this day. The man is an island. I was trying to build my forever tree house on that island, and failed. It is amazing though, that after so much pain in the end with him, that I am able to still look at him with love. I honestly can't help it. He just touched some of the deepest parts of my soul and that's a hard thing for any man to do. I think I'm an island too...but that turd somehow managed to plant his flag on it. Ohhhh man, he's good. Sneaky bastid lol.


In the end, what it boils down to is this. The deeper the love was with someone, the longer it sticks around. Sometimes, you love people forever. I think these three will remain my "forever loves" for a reason. They affected and changed my life greatly in different ways. The strongest loves also sometimes end up hurting the worst. I will never regret them though. They are a part of me.

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 6: True Love...What do you think it is?

To be quite honest, I don't know exactly what it is. This is one of those topics that is totally subjective. Everyone in the world has their own idea of what it is, or better yet, what they think it SHOULD be. I definitely think that true love is one of those things that spans the space of time. It's never-ending. No matter how much time passes, the feelings are still the same. You'll ALWAYS love that person. I think we have all experienced true love in some forms. There are people that I'm not with, that I have loved in the past, I love them now, and I will always love them. If love is REAL, it's not possible for it to go away. You may move on from the relationship, may never be with them again, but that love...it remains. It might not even be the same intensity of love it once was, but does that make it any less real or TRUE? I maintain that it doesn't.

I also think that true love doesn't have to be about a form of romantic love. I believe true love can come in many forms. Love between romantic lovers, the unconditional love of a parent for a child, or child for its parent...the love between best friends.  Of course I know when most people think of true love, it's in the romantic form.

I think it's that kind of feeling like you're not even on the ground...like your head is always in the clouds. You can't concentrate on anything but the way you feel about that person. If you're talking to them on the phone, you never want to hang up. It's not uncommon to wake up with the phone in your hand and your battery is dead because you fell asleep talking to each other. The thought of being away from them for even one second makes you feel ill. When they leave you, you feel incomplete until they're at your side again.

When you close your eyes, the first thing you see is their face. You find the smallest things to be the most beautiful and the most important. The way the corner of his eyes wrinkle up when he smiles...the smile itself. To you, there's nothing better than seeing a smile on their face. You trade your soul to the devil to always keep that feeling you have when you're with them. It's better and more powerful than any drug. You could be in a crowd of people, but for you. you're the only two people in the world.

It's waking up every morning with the intention of making each day the most memorable day for each of you. It's keeping romance alive between the two of you and never letting things get stale. It's being able to fall in love again and again with the same person for the simplest of reasons. It's knowing that nothing in life is ever perfect and that you have to work at it on a daily basis to keep things strong. You never give up and always fight for the important things in life. It's having each other's backs no matter how small or large the situations you come up against.

........and sometimes, true love is letting go. It's letting that person live their life the way they need or want to. It's being happy for them and wanting what's best for them, even if that doesn't include you. It's being the person that sets them free and wishes them well. It's showing the depth of your love even in the most painful of times. It's knowing you'll be there for them forever, no matter what. These are the things that true love is made of.....

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 4: Something you have to forgive someone for....

To start with, I thought this was going to end up being about men from my past, and forgiving them for hurting me. However, once I started thinking about it, I realized. I HAVE already forgiven everyone that's hurt me...relationship wise. I've had the list for days of what each topic is about and I've been thinking about this one a lot. I realize there's actually two people I need to learn to forgive. To me, they count as one unit because that's how I group them. My parents. The good 'ol parental units. Now THERE'S some deep-seated, hidden pain and issues with this one. Ugh. I really don't even want to think about them at all, but I guess sometimes, there's no avoiding it really. Honestly, this can get pretty involved, since there's TWO sets of parental units that I really need to learn how to forgive.

For all intents and purposes, Gary and Agnes Ille are my parents. They raised me. The story of Gina starts before them though. I was born to Paula Strickland and Allen Brock. She was unmarried, and had a set of twins already that were 3 years older than me. During the course of my life, I've found out a lot about her. Some I got from her directly, and some I just learned by paying attention. I had some generalized information about my biological parents, given to my adoptive parents by the adoption agency they went through to get me. It was just basically a lot of physical appearance information. Yay! Like I seriously care how tall my paternal grandfather was. (I found later in life that the man looks like the head honcho of the KKK, with the racist attitude to match, but that's another blog altogether!)

My bio mother decided that since her folks were some kind of bible beater types, that she should hide her pregnancy with me, and get rid of the evidence at her earliest convenience....which is precisely what she did.  It was considerably easy for her to do since she's a shorter, plumper lady.  She couldn't have her folks knowing she was having ANOTHER baby out of wedlock. So, July 2, 1976 rolled around, and she hauled her cookies to the hospital...gave birth, and walked away. Apparently, before this, she'd been in contact with my bio father, who signed his paternal rights away. From what I've been told, he was in college and was trying to make something of his life. So, while I still have issues with the fact that he gave me up, I can almost understand it. KEYWORD : "almost".

I really think that my younger brother and I were told at the wrong age that we were adopted. (He's not my bio brother). I think I was about 10 years old. It was a bit too much for me I think. I felt like I didn't even know who I was anymore. All those years, I thought Gary and Agnes had "made" me. I don't know. I just wasn't prepared for it I guess. My issues with it mentally started as soon as I was told about it. When I was 14, I started expressing a desire to know if there was any way I could find these two people that were responsible for creating me. My Mom sent off to the adoption agency, letting them know that if my bios ever came looking for me....I was interested. Apparently the "I wanna know where I came from" fever was catching, because my brother also talked to our mother about doing the same for him.

I was 22, married, and had two children already by the time anything about my bios ever surfaced again. My husband, Nate, was on the way to the daycare with Eric when FedEx came by the house with an envelope. I have to add, that was THE biggest envelope I've ever seen, and a complete waste of trees. It contained one tiny sheet of paper in it. It simply said, "We have matched you with your birth father. Please contact us at blah blah blah for more information."  Words cannot even express my reaction. It was pretty much immediate tears and my husband standing there looking at me as if I had instantly gone bat shit crazy out of thin air. He expressed his desire for me to cease crying and wait for him to return from the daycare before I completely lost it. LOL. I truly laughed my fool head off at those words and the expression on his face.  Long story short, I called and was given my father's information. I called, and he relayed a story to me about how he came to start looking for me. He was sitting around in front of the computer in his office at home, and all of a sudden thought of me, and starting searching online. He found a girl that he THOUGHT was me. (obviously, he had yet to find out it wasn't me at the time). His wife comes in because she hears his excited noise. She is informed he thinks he found his daughter online. The wife is floored because he has failed to tell her that he has ever fathered child. (They were never able to have a baby. I'm it. I'm all that's out there with ties to this man).  Naturally, there is friction between them now, but he continues on with his search because now he feels like he can't let go of it. He contacts my bio mother, and tells her he thinks he's found me. She eventually goes out to meet this woman, her husband, and what she believes to be one of her grandchildren.  Another long story short, it's NOT me, and my bio mother is apparently crushed and pissed at my bio father. She's pissed when she has absolutely NO right to be. The girl's birthday was in December. MY birthday is in July. I can see my bio father being clueless. He wasn't even there when I was born....but, a mother? A mother that doesn't know what day she gave birth to one of her children? Yeah, if I was him, I would have told her to kiss my ass all day long. SHE should have known better.

Anywho, Allen is upset with himself, but continues to search, and finally makes contact with the agency I was adopted from. They confirm that I am indeed his daughter and that I have made it known that I want to know them if they ever came looking. I talk to him on the phone a long time....crying like a baby, but excited at the same time. He informs me he's going to call her, but that she's probably going to be angry with him. I flat out told him to tell her to piss off if she caught an attitude with him. At least HE was actually looking, which is more than I could say for her. Later that evening, my phone rang, and it was her on the phone. The first thing she said to me was "Could you please tell me what day you were born?" I kind of scoffed, and said, "No ma'am, no I can't. Why don't YOU tell me what day I was born?"  LOL. She informed me she thought I was hostile, and I assured her that I indeed WAS. What's sad, is that withing minutes, I had MORE reason to be mad at her. She told me about my older twin siblings. Danielle and Kevin are three years older than me.  Then she proceeds to tell me all about my younger brother Josh. Josh, who she had a year and a half after me...and kept...because she was just too traumatized by the idea of giving up another baby. Pfffft. Traumatized my ass. (I found out not long after, that she just got around. I learned that from her own daughter...my older sister. They had a lot of different men in their lives from what I learned).

Funny thing about my whole adoption was....I was born in Florida. When I found all these new family members, I found that my sister was living a mere 2 and a half hours away from me in Fort Bragg, NC. My mother was also living in N.C...five hours away in Marion, and my father was 6 hours away in Chesapeake, Virgina. All those years, they had been right there in the same state with me. My sister immediately scheduled a visit with me, and drove up from Fort Bragg with my niece. We all went out to dinner at some restaurant in Wilmington. It was nuts. Had she not bleached her hair, she and I could pass for twins. It was like looking at yourself in a mirror. Craziness, to say the least.  I met my mother 23 years to the day she gave me up. Packed my husband and son in the car and drove to the mountains and laid eyes on her for the first time on my 23rd birthday. I guess I was expecting more out of that reunion. Damn that Sally Jessy Raphael for making me think my reunion would be some wonderful, tears of joy event. She totally screwed me! I should have never been watching those reunion shows of hers. It didn't happen that way for me.

Weird thing was, I didn't meet the bio father till years later. After that original call, he called every once in awhile, but not much. I found out that finding out about my existence was causing major problems in his marriage. She didn't want him having shit to do with me, no matter what he actually wanted. (I'll say now, I think that Judy, his wife is a total twat. That's just for the record). Moving on....he just dropped out of sight. He tried to buy me out of his life once by buying tires for my car one year on my birthday. Sent a card with some money...and a have a nice life. (Judy's influence, no doubt). Years later when I was with my 2 youngest kids' father, I ran across the bio father online again somehow. He expressed the want to come and see me. Of course, I wanted that. I already knew at this point that there wasn't going to be an ongoing relationship with my bio mother, so I wanted that with at least one of them. Tony (my ex) and I had saved up some money to take my father out to some place nice for dinner. We took him to a seafood restaurant in Southport, N.C.  He decided to sneak the bill off the table while we were away from it, and paid the bill instead of letting me get it. Maybe some people might think I overreacted by getting pissed about that, but he took something away from me by doing it. He had driven all morning from Virgina to get to my place and we'd only been hanging out with him a few hours. I couldn't wait to get back to the house and talk his head off. I asked a ton of health questions, extended family questions (which he really wasn't trying to answer, but at the time, I had no idea why), and I even had him take his shoes off so I could see if I got my hideous longer second toe from him. I still don't know where that came from. It turns out all I got from him was my lazy left eye. That's some bullshit to get from someone. Pffffft! I jumped up to go straighten my bedroom up and give it to him to use. We had another day of fun stuff planned for him. He brought all those plans to a screeching halt with just a few words. "Gina, I'm not staying. I only came here for closure."  Wow. Just remembering that has me here with tears in my eyes. What a way to end the day. He stomped on my heart again that day. After speaking those words, he got up, said he had to leave, got in his truck, and drove away. I didn't hear from him for years. It was actually a couple years ago when I had Myspace. He found me on there and added me. Said he just wanted to know how I was doing. I think he and the twat are divorced now, so that explains that. Needless to say, I didn't let myself get all sucked into the idea of him being a part of my life again. It hurt too much the 2nd time he dumped me and left. I have no idea what he's doing or where he is at the moment. Maybe one of these days I'll check...then again.....maybe not.

I don't know how to forgive them for making me feel unwanted. Ya give a child up once. FINE....but ya do it more than once....I don't know how to come back from the way that made me feel. I just don't know how to do it. ( I hope to God, my Brianna doesn't hate me like this. I thought giving her up was what was best for her, but if she feels the same way I have all these years....HOW can that be for the best?)


THE ADOPTIVE PARENTS:

Smart people? Yes, they are. They both went to college and both have degrees. My Dad is an industrial hygienist (safety engineer) and my mother is now a retired college professor. Her last place of employment was UNC-Wilmington.

Hard workers? Yes, they are. They were both immigrants who came to this country with their families and made a life for themselves here. They worked their asses off to get to where they are now.

Did they take care of us? Provide for us? Give us many opportunities in life? Yes, they did. They worked hard so we didn't have to want for things growing up. We never went without food or clothes. They've paid for schooling for both of us kids.

Am I an ungrateful wretch of a child? I suppose if you asked my parents for that answer, their replies would be a yes. I AM the black sheep of this family. I never did anything the way THEY think I should have done it. I'm not a good daughter, or sister, or mother. That's probably exactly what you'd read if they were to have access to this blog. My father would let everyone know what a colossal disappointment I am as a human being. What it boils down to is this....as long as I continue to be me, and not be what he (or they) would like me to be, I am a failure.

You can give a child all the material possessions in the world, all the money in your bank account, and I'm here to tell you that something is still lacking. If you're not giving love to that child, and you're not SHOWING it to them, you are lacking something as a parent. I could care less if they dropped $1000 dollars in my lap right now. It all adds up to nothing when you don't feel loved. What child wants to hear their parent tell them "If we'd known how you'd turn out, we never would have adopted you."? I heard it. I heard it more than once. I heard it enough times that I will never be able to wipe it from my memory. It's been YEARS since I've heard it and it never goes away. I moved away from Wilmington and N.C. years ago. There's been many times I was in rough spots and the options were "move to another possible rough spot" or "crawl home to Mommy and Daddy". I can assure you that I chose the rough spots every time. Why? I chose the rough roads, because I can do bad all by myself. I don't need the people who should be my support system making me feel worse than I already do. I never call. I've called when I've needed help out of desperation. Why call when all I'm going to hear is how I've always done everything wrong. How if I'd just listened to them, then I wouldn't be where I am. I KNOW all the mistakes I've made. I live with them every day. I'm affected by all my past life choices EVERY day, no matter whether I show that to the outside world or not.

I just came back to the east coast in March of this year. I hadn't seen my folks in roughly 7 years. My father doesn't want "trash" like me in his house, so I wasn't able to go home after being forced into the street by a bad relationship. I had to resort to shacking up with my ex husband to have a place to stay when I came back. I made plans to see my mother and took my 12 yr old son (almost 13) with me. He hasn't seen her in years either. (Hmmmm, he only lives an hour away from her. Let's not go see our black sheep daughter's mixed child even though he's our grandchild. He doesn't need to know his grandparents...oh no. Never that. That's asking too much.) Since I'm not able to darken the door of their home with my presence, I met my mother at a Burger King near UNCW so we could sit down and chat while we ate. The very first words out of her mouth after not having seen me in 7 years, were NOT "I love you and I've missed you." The first words I heard were..."Wow, you really need to go on a diet. You're fat."  I won't lie. The urge to slap the taste out of my own mother's mouth, was quite strong. I resisted though. I just shook my head, said "I love you too Mom" and went into the BK. She then proceeded to call my son, who she hasn't seen in forever either, a liar when she asked him a question and he answered her. (It was a question he didn't understand.) He is, after all, only 12 and didn't get her meaning. Yes well, I could care less if the boy was 50 and answered her with a reply she didn't like. You don't EVER talk crazy to one of my children. I don't care who ya are. It was time to call that short visit to a halt at that point.

It's one thing talking to me like I'm stupid all my life when I had no choice but to put up with it. It's another ball of wax altogether to act a fool to MY child, who sure as hell doesn't have to put up with it. I may not be the best mother that ever walked. Hell, I KNOW I'm not. One thing is for certain though. I love my kids, and for NO reason on this earth would I ever talk to them in such a way that makes them feel like they are less than they are. I will never say things to my children that are mean, hateful, and cut to the core of their hearts. I will never subject my children to racism and bigotry.  I've been down those roads myself with MY parents, and it was no cake walk. I would never in a million years put my kids through it. They deserve better. They deserve to be shown love. It's amazing how there are some people on this earth that lack the capacity to give that in it's purest form. It's even more amazing and shocking to me, that some of those people are parents.


I've certainly got my work cut out for me. I've got two sets of parents that have had a hand in shaping who I've become. I think, personally anyway, that I've turned out fairly well despite their opinions of me. I may not be the smartest, richest, or the best kid a parent could have ever asked for, but I am positive that I am a good human being. Somehow, I manage to do the one thing that matters most even with these people for a guide. I learned to accept people just the way they are and love them unconditionally....even the very people who can't give the same consideration to me. I love my parents....they're the only ones I've got. I just can't bring myself to put myself through the hurt they can inflict anymore. I pray one day I'll be able to forgive them for the way they've made me feel. It's been 35 years.....I'm thinking the odds aren't in their favor.

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for

This topic was a "no brainer". Forgiving myself for the act itself, not so easy.

I had an abortion in my early 20s. My first child was only about 8 months old, and I got pregnant again, because I was careless as hell. I thought I was protected, but it appears, not so much. I still remember seeing the positive pregnancy test and thinking "I cannot go through this again so soon". I was messed up in the head then. ( I still am of course, but for different reasons). I didn't tell anyone for awhile, and I just was trying to figure out what to do. After a lot of thought and crying over it, I made the decision within myself to terminate the pregnancy. 

My Dad was a member of the German Club in Wilmington, NC and had to participate at a lot of functions. Oktoberfest rolled around that year and he was out of town on business, so my mother was working the door taking tickets in his place at the Elks Lodge. I remember walking up there after work that night, and sitting down with her at the table. I just sat there, and didn't say a word. She kept looking at me, like she was trying to read my mind. I didn't smile, say hello, speak to anyone...not even her. I eventually jumped up from the table and asked her where the bar was set up. She KNEW something was wrong at that point, because even back then, I wasn't much of a drinker. I headed straight for that bar once I heard the drinks were free. I was good and shit faced by the time I told her I was pregnant. I remember sitting at the door of the Elks Lodge, crying drunk tears, when I told her I couldn't have that baby. She just sat there with a blank, expressionless stare. The stare didn't change until I started begging her to help me.

I told her there was NO way I was going through with the pregnancy, and she agreed to do whatever she could to help. I made an appointment at the abortion clinic in Wilmington. They make you talk to a counselor before they schedule the procedure...to make sure you are completely positive you want to go through with it. I had convinced myself that I wouldn't be talked out of my decision and that I knew damn well what I was doing. I went through a couple interviews with a counselor and scheduled the procedure. I was informed of what method they would be performing on me, and it led me to decide I wanted to bring a set of headphones with me the day I went. I was searching frantically all over my parent's house that day looking for my brother's Walkman. I finally found it at the last minute and ran out the door.

I've got to say, I've seen those "pro-life" picketers before on TV...with their signs, and the way they run up on people and try to change their minds. I thought that was just on TV. It's not. They were out there on the corner near the clinic. (They weren't allowed directly on the property). My mom was driving me, and had agreed to pay for the procedure, but as soon as she saw those picketers...she started saying "I'm going to go to hell for this for helping you!" She said it several times. It just kept playing over and over in my head. (My mom is a serious Catholic). I don't know why, but it pissed me off. I just was thinking..."Fuck this, no man, woman, government or church should have the fucking right to tell me what I can or can't do with my own fucking body!"  Granted, she didn't HAVE TO help me, and be the one paying for it, but she was my Mom, and she did it because she loved me.

Sitting in that room, waiting for that doctor, I attempted to put my headphones on so I wouldn't have to listen. I was told that I couldn't...and that there was a radio in the room for that reason. I won't go into any gruesome details....all I WILL say is, that there might as well NOT have been a radio in there, because I sure as fuck couldn't hear it. For anyone that may ever contemplate having an abortion....I recommend NOT doing it. Once they start, there is NO turning back. That was the single most excruciating experience of my life. Between the sounds, the physical pain, and the mental anguish I experienced laying on that table that day...I would have chosen dying over it....any day. I was too young and far too torn about what was wrong or right. I should NEVER have been inside that clinic that day. I can't take it back....and I God damn sure as hell can't ever forget it. It is ALWAYS with me. It never goes away.

Afterwards, they stuck me in a room filled with recliner chairs. There were SEVERAL girls in there sitting, reading with heating pads on their stomachs, to ease the cramping that you experience afterwards. Besides myself, there was only one other girl in there crying. I saw myself in her face. At that moment, she hated her own guts, and so did I. I looked around, and there were girls in there, chatting on their cell phones, one was painting her fucking toe nails, like she was getting ready to get dressed to go to the club. I wanted to scream, because I instantly knew that at least one of those girls had been there more than once. I didn't understand at all how any of them could be sitting there like nothing important had just happened to them. I thought I was losing my mind in that fucking place. I ran out of there when they said I could go like the hounds of hell were nipping at my heels. They weren't at my heels though. The hounds were inside of me, and they were there from the moment I heard that machine cut on in that office, and they are still living inside of me to this day.

If I had the choice to reverse time and change my decision back then....I WOULD. I made the wrong decision all those years ago. If someone can have an abortion and not feel anything afterwards...not regret it...not be tortured by it...then there's something wrong with their soul. For those women out there that have had more than ONE...I don't know how they do it.

This decision was NOT the right one for me.....but I still believe that it should be the woman's right to choose. I will NEVER believe that government or the Church should have any say so. I do hope and pray that any woman contemplating this thinks LONG and HARD before they go through with it though. They had better make damn sure the choice is right for them, because once it's done...you can't ever take it back.

How the hell do I forgive myself for that?

30 Day Love/ Truth Challenge DAY 5: Favorite Romantic Movie!

HANDS DOWN, my favorite romantic movie of all time. I don't care how many times I watch it, it never fails to get to me and touch my heart. I feel like I'm a part of it every time. It's what we all want. It's that all encompassing, enduring love that we all start dreaming about as little girls. (At least it was always MY dream). I think I will always dream of a love like this. A love that stands the test of time.....

I've been there, years of feeling that way, and the love never seems to fade.....

Starts out new, that crazy feeling inside that you can't get enough of......

The silly, goofiness with one another.....

That feeling of complete freedom...like if you aren't careful, your feet could leave the ground....soaring to new heights......

The years can't erase that feeling. No amount of time will ever change it......

It's always there, right under the surface, no matter how well you think you've hidden it......

The passion, still as strong, and as real as it always was.....

You'd walk to the ends of the earth....fight till the last second.....give your last breath, for that love....

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 4: Favorite Love Song....and why?

Adele. This woman, to me, represents every BBW. Beautiful, big woman, who is happy with who she is. She's gorgeous, and talented, and just freaking amazing in my book. No surprise that she sings one of my favorite love songs. I know the song isn't originally hers, but her version moves me...and when it comes to music, that is a REQUIREMENT. The song, the lyrics, the melody...something has to move me in order for me to listen. I hope and pray she continues to become a bigger star than she is right now.

This song speaks to me in so many ways. It represents the way I love. I'm a firm believer in "you either go hard, or go home". I think love should always be that way. Of course, with loving so hard, sometimes the pain at the end is EQUALLY as hard, but if you can't go all the way in, you shouldn't bother with it at all. I'll be singing right along with this song when I post the video. It's a shame that I can't sing too loud. Damn it being 2:47 in the morning and all. Amazing how music can sweep you away to another time and place in the past...........

"I've known it from the moment that we met......no doubt in my mind where you belong........"

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 2: Something you love about yourself.

I know a lot of people can't see it, but I've always been kind of a "Debbie Downer". I've suffered from depression for a lot of years. I've been through a ton of stuff that (after the fact) I realized would have brought down some of the strongest people out there. I hide a lot of what I'm going through pretty well. I don't even know how I taught myself to do that. I guess I just felt that just because I wasn't doing too well, I didn't want the people around me to ever have to experience that. I've always been the "clown" or the comedian of the group. Even at my roughest moments, it brought me a lot of internal joy to know that I could bring a smile to another person's face. It made me feel so good inside knowing that I could make someone laugh, despite the personal clouds I might have been experiencing.

What do I love about myself? I love being ME. I love being a good person. I enjoy the fact that when someone I'm close to needs me, that I can find a way to be there for them, no matter what I'm going through. I like the fact that somehow, after everything that's ever happened to me, I can somehow STILL manage to try to find the good in everyone that I cross paths with. I love being able to forgive people who have wronged me, and forgive myself for mistakes I've made in life. I love being able to wake up every morning, and have yet another chance to change myself for the better.

While I am the first to admit that I'm FAR from perfect, I love knowing that I'm real. I'm honest, caring, loyal to a fault, and just an all around good woman; that I think anyone would be lucky to have in their life. I hope that doesn't sound too conceited. It really isn't meant to come across that way. It's taken me a very LONG time to be able to say these things about myself. I've overcome a very low self image that I had for most of my childhood and into my high school years. Though I know there's still a lot about myself that I need to work on, I'm finally happy with the woman I turned out to be.

~30 Days of Truth ~ DAY 1: Something You Hate About Yourself

This one will be probably the most simple one to answer.....or maybe not. I immediately thought to say "I hate my body", but maybe that's not even entirely true. I think it may just be the "image" I have of myself. Most of the men I know seem to think there isn't a damn thing wrong with my body. I don't know that I necessarily agree with them. Hell, what do they know anyway? Some of them wouldn't notice the sun rising and falling if we just fixed 'em a sammich, slapped a cold one in their hand, and turned the TV to ESPN for their silly asses. So, yeah, hell if I'm gonna believe anything those fools say. LOL

I'm literally half tempted to run in the bathroom, yank my shirt up, my pants down and snap a picture of my main problem area. I'm refraining simply because I know it's late, and some people have just eaten. I'd like for you all to be able to hold on to your meals. LMFAO!  You all know the area I'm referring to. That large problematic thing I will refer to as my "hideous gut". It's really a hot mess folks. I wouldn't lie to you. Trust me, I have lots of pics posted between a couple sites, and some a tad more revealing than others, and I assure you one thing you don't see on those is my stomach. You see what I damn well want ya to see.

The other thing that is totally related to the gut area is that "pouch". You know....I call it my kangaroo pouch. The one so many of us get after giving birth. The part that just seems to never go the hell away no matter how much damn weight you lose. I'd like to just laser it the hell off myself. Slice it off with a nice sharp blade? Break out the chainsaw? There's a myriad of ways to do away with that thing. When you guys figure out a quick, painless way....be a dear and let me know how ya managed? Mmmmkay? Better get to finding a way quick too...before I decide to take that gut picture after all and traumatize all of you with the stretch mark ridden bastard that it is!  ;)  Yep, 'nuff said on THIS particular subject LOL. I leave you with some musical entertainment. Enjoy! *smirks*

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 3: Last / Most Recent Love...what they meant / mean to you

What did he mean to me? I was mesmerized by him almost instantly. I am still unclear what it really was that attracted me to him initially. All I know, is that I was taken by him in ways I can't explain. To me, he was a bright new light on my horizon, a horizon that had been overshadowed for quite some time.

I met him on a website last year. *cringes* I know, online, danger zone. There are so many false people in this virtual world. I didn't perceive him that way at all though. The site I met him on was one that I like to describe as somewhat of a virtual meat market. A place chock full of perverts and reprobates (however, don't get the idea that I don't like pervy people, because I do! I AM one lol) He was just different. Flirting and being a perv weren't the only things on his mind. He knew how to flirt, but he wasn't offensive like so many people on that site were. I noticed within 5 minutes of chatting with the man, that he had a brain, full of so much information. I couldn't get over the fact that he just seemed so smart to me. I knew INSTANTLY that he was someone I'd like to have the opportunity to get to know better. We talked on the phone (I did most of the talking because I don't know how to shut up), and bless his heart, he listened. He listened in a way that said to me that he actually cared about what I was saying. Men listen all the time, (or so they say lol), but parts of the conversation get tuned out. I could have asked him to repeat anything I'd said, and he would have been able to do so. His listening included actually paying attention. I remember wishing I didn't have to hang up at the end of our first phone conversation (it honestly "pained" me to have to do so lol).

During that LONG first conversation, I learned a whole lot about his past and he in turn heard a lot about mine. I realized we were both dealing with our own demons in life, and there had been similar kinds of pain for him in his. I felt like I was talking to someone I'd known forever. It was just so easy to open up to him and I didn't feel like I had to censor myself  or hide who I was. It felt completely natural to be me with him. We talked a couple more times, and then one day I went to the site hoping to leave him some site goodies, and found that his account was no longer there. I have to admit, it crushed me quite a bit to see it gone. I tried calling him and got no replies. It was upsetting to say the least. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt thinking that he must be dealing with some of his past drama, so I let it go, though the thoughts that he was just a really good player were definitely in the back of my head. I didn't want to believe that he was just like every other guy out there. I don't remember what prompted me to search his for his name, but I eventually did search for him on Facebook, and found him there. I messaged and asked what had happened to him previously, and why he didn't just give me a heads up before disappearing on me completely, and leaving me to wonder for weeks. I didn't figure I'd ever get a response, but he did end up replying, and apologized for the way things had happened.

There started the whirlwind that was my life for the next 8 months. I was so crazy about him. All I kept thinking about was the fact that I'd been single for a LOT of years, by choice, because of things that had happened in my past. I never wanted to really take a chance on anyone that I'd met or talked to. I'd dated, but never let it get to the commitment phase. Here was this new man in my life, that made me want to be a part of something again. I literally ACHED to be a part of something. We eventually made plans to meet. I went up to his town for a four day weekend. He lived about 2 hours away from me in Illinois. This was my first time laying eyes on him in person. (We'd talked on the computer, the phone, even been on cam together, but this was in the flesh!) I was anxious to see him. You know? Like, butterflies in my stomach, excited. I wasn't the least bit nervous though. It was funny. I felt like I was going to see someone I'd known for a million years. One of his friends picked me up at the bus station in Springfield and took me to him. I remember pulling into that driveway and seeing him standing on the porch with a little smirk on his face. All I can tell you, is that the feeling that came over me was peace. It was like "coming home". We stepped into that house, and he wrapped his arms around me, hugged me to him, and I felt like there wasn't any place on earth that I belonged more than standing right there in front of him. It absolutely took my breath away. (Writing that literally took me back to that moment briefly....freakiness!) It was a great weekend. Relaxed, just hanging out and spending time with each other. I honestly dreaded the thought of leaving. The day I left, as I was waiting for a ride to the bus station, we sat on the front steps just leaning into each other. He laughed and said..."Just stay. Don't leave." I looked at him like he was crazy (even though the idea was the best one I'd ever heard lol). I reminded him of the fact that I had a job, apartment, and all my belongings were back in my town. I cried sitting on those steps that day. It ripped my guts out to drive away from him. He texted me all the way back home so I'd have something to keep me occupied. We made plans for him to come down to me in 2 weeks on my next off weekend and spend a few days with me in MY environment. 2 weeks?? Might as well have been forever, so I just sat at home......

Yep....biting my already non-existent nails. LMAO. That eternally long two weeks finally ended and I was on my way to St. Louis to the Greyhound station to sit and wait for his bus to come in. (I had to take the Metro Link train to the city to meet him. I should say here that I absolutely DETEST public transit for some unknown reason, so this was a big deal lol) En route to the city, I get a call from him, telling me the bus driver won't let him on the bus due to lack of identification. Well, all I'll say is I snapped on the train and demanded to speak to the bus driver. (I'd already talked to Greyhound and was assured he'd have no problem getting on the bus despite the lost ID) The bus driver wasn't going to let him ride, but I begged and pleaded and was almost in tears when he decided to let him on and hold his laptop as collateral (even though he was paying cash for the bus ride and HAD the money in his hand).  He hung up on me before I actually found out the driver WAS letting him on so I was in freak out mode when the phone rang again. This time, it was his mother, informing me that he WAS on the bus but somehow had dropped his cell in her car while gathering his bags to get on the bus. The woman was asking me what she should do, and informed me she was chasing said Greyhound down the highway in an effort to give her son his phone. (I should say here that his mother is,in fact, completely blind in one eye and was haul assin' down the interstate in the dark of night...in hot pursuit of that bus). HAHA, I seriously want to laugh out loud right now thinking about that phone call. I sent her home and told her that he could do without his cell for 3 days. He is, after all, a big boy LOL.  I sat there waiting and waiting...just vibrating with excitement at the thought of seeing him again. Ya know those old black and white movies where the couple is in the train station and they run up and kiss? Yes, well, forgive this mentally challenged girl because I swear to God, that is exactly what I was envisioning. (mmmhmmm i'm a super mushy ra-tard LOL)

Okay, okay, so it wasn't QUITE like that. Oh well, it was still great. (I promise I didn't run through the bus station like a crazy fool and embarrass him haha) I met his grumpy, attitude-havin' bus driver though, and shook his hand. He was really a butt face, I might add. I think he ended up staying with me four days too. We had his folks drive down and get him to avoid the no ID fiasco again. He was visiting me to help me pack my belongings and move out of my apartment. (Ha! I totally forgot to mention that little tid bit of information, didn't I?) We got everything packed and moved to a storage location where I'd be staying until he came back in 13 days to ride back with me to his town, so I didn't have to drive it alone with all my junk. I should say that he was "on again, off again" about this decision to have me move with him. One day he wanted it, the next he was questioning whether we were making the right choice. His last day at my place, he tried to back out completely. He had a scared look in his eyes, like he was going to break into a run if I just touched him with a fingertip. I wasn't scared at all, and couldn't fathom why he was. I didn't bat an eyelid when I'd turned in my 2 week notice. I didn't bat an eyelid packing my things and moving them. I didn't bat an eyelid because I was never more sure of a decision than I was of that one. In my heart, it was the right choice, and for the first time ever, my HEAD was actually in agreement with my heart at the same time. He was acting funny when they got there to pick him up and I was crying like a baby. I was so scared I'd just given up my job, my apartment, my EVERYTHING, and he was going to disappear....never to be seen or heard from again.

I ended up only working out one week of my notice, and I drove up myself. He was waiting for me when I got there. I met his two youngest kids that day (it was his week to have them). He still seemed scared and told me as much. He worried that things would go wrong, and that we wouldn't be able to be friends anymore. I still wasn't worried. I knew about all his past relationship issues. He knew about mine. I knew what I was up against. I knew he wasn't quite over some of the things that had happened to him in his past. I'll probably never be over some of the things that happened to me. I just wanted a new start...something beautiful in my life for a change. I wanted a chance for us BOTH to make something good out of all the bad in our pasts. I truly believed that we could. I saw things in him that he wasn't even able to see about himself. He was so down on life, and I just wanted us to be the bright rays of light for each other. I SERIOUSLY have a dreamer's heart and soul. I try so very hard to see the good in everyone. I definitely saw SO much of the good in him before things went wrong. I was there a little over three months before my dream came to a complete end. We DID get a lot accomplished together while I was there. Maybe things that some people wouldn't even see as accomplishments, but for US, they definitely were. I saw him come out of that depression he'd been in for so long, and he brought a lot out of me that I didn't realize I had anymore. He showed me, that despite some of the really rough things in my life...despite a LOT of rejections along the way, that I still had the capacity and the ability to truly love someone again.

I held on as long as I could. I tried everything I could to keep us together. I tried to be everything he needed without changing who I am. Sometimes, people just don't see what they have in front of them, because they're too busy looking into the past. Our downfall was mostly because of that....the past....and not being able to let go. I let go of a lot for him. I told myself that I loved him, but I wasn't "in love" with him. It wasn't until I knew I would be leaving there, that realization hit me full on. I'd been crazy in love with him the whole time. The last month living there was really rough. The last 3 weeks there was a lot of yelling, and tears, or not talking at all. It was a drain on my soul to go through that with him. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I got sick and just couldn't function like a normal grown woman should. It was hard to deal with the "loss" of him and still be in the same space with him. I lost almost 30 pounds in those last 3 weeks.

I never realized it was possible to shed that many tears, and still have more to cry. I quickly found that it is indeed possible to find more tears. At the beginning of March, he requested I leave. The request wasn't exactly a nice one at the time. I packed my belongings, and spent the next 3 days in that house...alone, with nothing but my pathetic tears to keep me company. It was a rough way to end things. I left that Friday, with a heavy heart, with no goodbye from him, and with every urge to turn around and give up my soul to find a way to make it work. My last memory of that place is his mother (who I love like she's my own mother) holding me, smoothing my hair, and trying to dry the unending river of tears that I'd been crying for days. Wow, this is REALLY painful to look at as I type it. I suppose I'm not really over what happened with him. I guess it just takes a lot of time for some kinds of pain to ease away. I've got nothing but time, right?

Many people have given me shit that know about what I went through with this situation, because I chose to remain friends with him after all this. They couldn't understand it. People advised that I should cut him out of my life...cut him away, like a cancer during surgery. I've learned it's never that easy when you love someone. No matter what, I thought of him as that man that I first met. He was that guy that I could talk to about anything. He was my friend. I KNOW that guy is inside of him somewhere. I saw the soul of the man many times, and while troubled, it was so beautiful. A beautiful, brilliant, mind and soul like I'd never encountered before. It was just buried far too deep for me to grasp and be able to hold onto. He hurt me deeply, but somehow I found the place inside of myself that was able to forgive him. I could never hate him. Things didn't work for us, but for a small space of time, I felt beautiful, loved, appreciated, wanted, and alive. I found those things again with him and, for that, I thank him.

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 2: Best Love....what they meant /mean to you

This one was an EASY answer. My best love isn't a man at all; it's my kids. My best love is the four beautiful children I gave birth to. I am so very blessed to have been given four of the most amazing babies ever brought on to the face of this earth. The sad thing is, I don't deserve a single one of them. I know it, and so does most every one else. I never thought in a million years that I'd even ever have kids. I honestly didn't think it was a good idea due to the fact I am probably the LEAST patient person ever born. For some strange reason, a higher power saw fit to bring these amazing little people into my life. I still say I don't deserve them. I haven't been the best mother. I never will be. None of that, however, will change the fact that I love them with everything I have in me and I know what a gift I was given.

My oldest daughter, Brianna...so stubborn, so beautiful, so very....ME! Ha, that's the only way to describe her. Fourteen years old, and the mind of an old soul in my opinion. This child is going through some things at a young age. I'm sure a lot of what she's going through is in some part, my fault. I gave her up when I was in my early 20s. She's always known I'm her mother, but she's raised by other people and they ARE in fact, her Mom and Dad. There's no two ways around that. Giving birth doesn't make you a Mom. It makes you a mother, and there's a HUGE difference. We are now getting the chance to know each other, and we talk daily. The little heathen has even decided she wants to be on my Facebook friends list. Poor child, Lawd knows what she sees there lol. I am just staying low profile and letting her come to me when she chooses to if there's something she needs or wants to talk about. I think that is the best way to be there for her. Can't just bust back into someone's life and try to be a "parent". That would be the quickest way to push her away, and I will not do that....not for anything in this world.

My one and only, gorgeous son Eric. He's the man of my dreams for sure. No one can even comprehend how lucky I feel to have been blessed with such a handsome young man. For the first three years of his life, he never really left my side. It was like being Siamese twins really. I don't know why I never wanted to let him be away from me for too long. Maybe subconsciously, it had to do with the fact that I knew I'd given Brianna up (and was having major issues dealing with my own problems from being adopted as well).  I took him to my in-laws the day before his 3rd birthday. I was trying to be the bigger person in a messed up situation that had nothing to do with him, and he shouldn't have been drug into the middle of grown up foolishness. I'd been keeping him from the other side of his family and chose to rectify that. I ended up only seeing Eric three times during the next 9 years. He's going to be 13 years old in a few months and we've just recently reconnected. He's dealing with his own issues that he has with me for not being around. I refuse to lay any blame on his father in front of him, because I don't think parents should do that to children. I also accept blame for some things that might of led up to things going down the way they did. I won't get detailed simply because the kids are old enough to read and may run across the blog. All I will say is that I didn't "willingly" part with him for that amount of time. I expected to be without him for a weekend, and unfortunately for me,(and for him as well) that is not at all what happened. I still don't think they are old enough to discuss certain things with, and since I can't be positive I won't besmirch his Dad's character if I got upset, I will wait until I am sure I can keep it together. I'm pleased to say that despite a few minor behavioral issues, he's turned out to be quite an amazing kid, even after being saddled with me for a mother.

Shelby. What can I say? She's absolutely gorgeous. I don't even say that just because I gave birth to her. I just think this kid has such a great personality and I think it shows in a picture. I haven't done right by this kid at all, and I honestly say I don't deserve her. I haven't been around. I've been away from the east coast where all the kids are for the last 7 years approximately. Too much has gone on in their young lives that they shouldn't have had to endure at all. Too many moves, too many people in their lives, too much confusion. This child has issues that we probably don't even know she has yet. Luckily, she's on her way back from all the confusion and chaos and now has stability. I accept full responsibility for my part in her issues. I hope other people will accept their responsibility too. It seems so often that people just want to lay blame elsewhere all the time. I get that too. No one wants to feel like things are their fault. I wish I didn't have to admit it....but I AM. I just recently moved to SC which is where the 2 youngest girls have been living, thinking it would be easier to reconnect if I was in the same state. I get here, and due to financial reasons and a break up, her Dad decided it was best to return to NC where more of HIS family and support systems are at. I get that too. Her father and I are in contact as much as possible and he sends every picture he takes so I can see how she's doing. Luckily, they are only about 4 hours away now, so getting together will be much easier than it was when I was living in the Midwest. I'm going to have to answer to this child in the near future and the thought of it fills me with dread. How do you tell a child that you've always loved them even though you know you're worthless as a mother? I don't think that's possible, but it will have to be done.

This devilish smirk belongs to the baby of the group. This is Becca. She was three when this picture was taken. It's one of the few pics of her I've got. I think the situation with this child is THE worst of my failures as a parent. She and Shelby are full sisters. They were always together pretty much their whole lives so far....up until the last couple years. This situation has become what i can only refer to as a colossal clusterfuck. Yes, I said CLUSTERFUCK! Her father and I are going to have to share the blame on this one. We let a family member on his side get their hands on her. Some people have twisted families, and he and I both have that. This family member in particular though, wanted me to GIVE her my child the day she was born. Literally, at the hospital, the woman asked us to just hand over our child to her like we were discussing a fruit basket. Naturally, we assumed the lady was bat shit crazy, because....REALLY??? Who does that? Who asks someone some shit like that? A crazy person! She is Becca's great grandma by marriage, not by blood. Long story short, after I split with their father, they were with him in S.C. He got into trouble, ended up incarcerated and his sister took both girls from the home and went to the great grandma's with them. One ended up with the sister, and Becca was left with the great grandma. I've had no contact with Becca since she was 5. That wasn't for a lack of trying. I didn't live close enough to see her in person, but every attempt to talk to her was intercepted. Phone calls not answered and never returned...mail not returned. This situation will get hairy eventually because the courts will have to be involved. I'm told that she has A LOT of behavior problems. MY family was going to drive and get her years ago, but law enforcement informed me that the great grandma was going to put up a fight, and that social services would become involved and make her a ward of the state. I'd rather find a way to fight the old hag on my own to get Becca back. Once you lose a child to the system, it's sometimes damn near impossible to get them out.


I know there are several people who will read this and think "G'damn Gina, you're a fucking loser!". I'd agree with that statement too. I've been a loser as a mother for far too long now. I've felt like such a loser for so long that I had convinced myself that my children were better off without me. I'd beaten myself down instead of showing myself that I could be better. It took a few important, special people to help me see that I just had to learn to believe in myself. I had to tell myself over and over that I needed to be closer in order to set things right. I've been gone a lot of years and fixing things ISN'T going to happen overnight. I don't expect it to. It took years to destroy these bonds and it will probably take YEARS to mend them. I love my kids though. There isn't a day that's gone by that I haven't thought about them. Are there people that won't believe that? I'm sure there are. Do I care? Not at all. I will have to answer to a higher power one day for ALL the mistakes I've made in my life. As for answering to anyone else, I only have to hold myself accountable to my children. I sentenced myself to a life without them, and sentenced them to a life without me based on a lot of stupid decisions in the past. There comes a time to pick yourself up, dust your shit off, and start over. That's what I intend to do. I know none of this is going to be an easy road to travel. It shouldn't be either. Their little roads have been littered with potholes not of their own making. I don't know if they'll ever be able to forgive that. The journey has started with the two older ones already and things are going okay thus far.

My kids are definitely the best love I've ever known or received. The purest form of love can be seen through the eyes of a child. You can see it, it's unconditional, and it emanates off of them when they love you. I used to see that look daily from my kids. I haven't seen it in so long. I want it, need it, and will stop at nothing to get it back.

(SN: I'm sure there will be women that read this that have no respect for me as a person. I understand that and that IS their personal choice. However, I believe that the first step to bettering oneself is to realize and own up to all your mistakes and then do what you can to rectify them. Feel free to judge me. I've been getting judged for years. Times are changing, and all the judgement just makes me want to be a better person anyway. I'll die proving myself to my kids, and in the end, THEIR judgements are the only ones that really even matter.)