This topic was a "no brainer". Forgiving myself for the act itself, not so easy.
I had an abortion in my early 20s. My first child was only about 8 months old, and I got pregnant again, because I was careless as hell. I thought I was protected, but it appears, not so much. I still remember seeing the positive pregnancy test and thinking "I cannot go through this again so soon". I was messed up in the head then. ( I still am of course, but for different reasons). I didn't tell anyone for awhile, and I just was trying to figure out what to do. After a lot of thought and crying over it, I made the decision within myself to terminate the pregnancy.
My Dad was a member of the German Club in Wilmington, NC and had to participate at a lot of functions. Oktoberfest rolled around that year and he was out of town on business, so my mother was working the door taking tickets in his place at the Elks Lodge. I remember walking up there after work that night, and sitting down with her at the table. I just sat there, and didn't say a word. She kept looking at me, like she was trying to read my mind. I didn't smile, say hello, speak to anyone...not even her. I eventually jumped up from the table and asked her where the bar was set up. She KNEW something was wrong at that point, because even back then, I wasn't much of a drinker. I headed straight for that bar once I heard the drinks were free. I was good and shit faced by the time I told her I was pregnant. I remember sitting at the door of the Elks Lodge, crying drunk tears, when I told her I couldn't have that baby. She just sat there with a blank, expressionless stare. The stare didn't change until I started begging her to help me.
I told her there was NO way I was going through with the pregnancy, and she agreed to do whatever she could to help. I made an appointment at the abortion clinic in Wilmington. They make you talk to a counselor before they schedule the procedure...to make sure you are completely positive you want to go through with it. I had convinced myself that I wouldn't be talked out of my decision and that I knew damn well what I was doing. I went through a couple interviews with a counselor and scheduled the procedure. I was informed of what method they would be performing on me, and it led me to decide I wanted to bring a set of headphones with me the day I went. I was searching frantically all over my parent's house that day looking for my brother's Walkman. I finally found it at the last minute and ran out the door.
I've got to say, I've seen those "pro-life" picketers before on TV...with their signs, and the way they run up on people and try to change their minds. I thought that was just on TV. It's not. They were out there on the corner near the clinic. (They weren't allowed directly on the property). My mom was driving me, and had agreed to pay for the procedure, but as soon as she saw those picketers...she started saying "I'm going to go to hell for this for helping you!" She said it several times. It just kept playing over and over in my head. (My mom is a serious Catholic). I don't know why, but it pissed me off. I just was thinking..."Fuck this, no man, woman, government or church should have the fucking right to tell me what I can or can't do with my own fucking body!" Granted, she didn't HAVE TO help me, and be the one paying for it, but she was my Mom, and she did it because she loved me.
Sitting in that room, waiting for that doctor, I attempted to put my headphones on so I wouldn't have to listen. I was told that I couldn't...and that there was a radio in the room for that reason. I won't go into any gruesome details....all I WILL say is, that there might as well NOT have been a radio in there, because I sure as fuck couldn't hear it. For anyone that may ever contemplate having an abortion....I recommend NOT doing it. Once they start, there is NO turning back. That was the single most excruciating experience of my life. Between the sounds, the physical pain, and the mental anguish I experienced laying on that table that day...I would have chosen dying over it....any day. I was too young and far too torn about what was wrong or right. I should NEVER have been inside that clinic that day. I can't take it back....and I God damn sure as hell can't ever forget it. It is ALWAYS with me. It never goes away.
Afterwards, they stuck me in a room filled with recliner chairs. There were SEVERAL girls in there sitting, reading with heating pads on their stomachs, to ease the cramping that you experience afterwards. Besides myself, there was only one other girl in there crying. I saw myself in her face. At that moment, she hated her own guts, and so did I. I looked around, and there were girls in there, chatting on their cell phones, one was painting her fucking toe nails, like she was getting ready to get dressed to go to the club. I wanted to scream, because I instantly knew that at least one of those girls had been there more than once. I didn't understand at all how any of them could be sitting there like nothing important had just happened to them. I thought I was losing my mind in that fucking place. I ran out of there when they said I could go like the hounds of hell were nipping at my heels. They weren't at my heels though. The hounds were inside of me, and they were there from the moment I heard that machine cut on in that office, and they are still living inside of me to this day.
If I had the choice to reverse time and change my decision back then....I WOULD. I made the wrong decision all those years ago. If someone can have an abortion and not feel anything afterwards...not regret it...not be tortured by it...then there's something wrong with their soul. For those women out there that have had more than ONE...I don't know how they do it.
This decision was NOT the right one for me.....but I still believe that it should be the woman's right to choose. I will NEVER believe that government or the Church should have any say so. I do hope and pray that any woman contemplating this thinks LONG and HARD before they go through with it though. They had better make damn sure the choice is right for them, because once it's done...you can't ever take it back.
How the hell do I forgive myself for that?
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