30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 3: Last / Most Recent Love...what they meant / mean to you

What did he mean to me? I was mesmerized by him almost instantly. I am still unclear what it really was that attracted me to him initially. All I know, is that I was taken by him in ways I can't explain. To me, he was a bright new light on my horizon, a horizon that had been overshadowed for quite some time.

I met him on a website last year. *cringes* I know, online, danger zone. There are so many false people in this virtual world. I didn't perceive him that way at all though. The site I met him on was one that I like to describe as somewhat of a virtual meat market. A place chock full of perverts and reprobates (however, don't get the idea that I don't like pervy people, because I do! I AM one lol) He was just different. Flirting and being a perv weren't the only things on his mind. He knew how to flirt, but he wasn't offensive like so many people on that site were. I noticed within 5 minutes of chatting with the man, that he had a brain, full of so much information. I couldn't get over the fact that he just seemed so smart to me. I knew INSTANTLY that he was someone I'd like to have the opportunity to get to know better. We talked on the phone (I did most of the talking because I don't know how to shut up), and bless his heart, he listened. He listened in a way that said to me that he actually cared about what I was saying. Men listen all the time, (or so they say lol), but parts of the conversation get tuned out. I could have asked him to repeat anything I'd said, and he would have been able to do so. His listening included actually paying attention. I remember wishing I didn't have to hang up at the end of our first phone conversation (it honestly "pained" me to have to do so lol).

During that LONG first conversation, I learned a whole lot about his past and he in turn heard a lot about mine. I realized we were both dealing with our own demons in life, and there had been similar kinds of pain for him in his. I felt like I was talking to someone I'd known forever. It was just so easy to open up to him and I didn't feel like I had to censor myself  or hide who I was. It felt completely natural to be me with him. We talked a couple more times, and then one day I went to the site hoping to leave him some site goodies, and found that his account was no longer there. I have to admit, it crushed me quite a bit to see it gone. I tried calling him and got no replies. It was upsetting to say the least. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt thinking that he must be dealing with some of his past drama, so I let it go, though the thoughts that he was just a really good player were definitely in the back of my head. I didn't want to believe that he was just like every other guy out there. I don't remember what prompted me to search his for his name, but I eventually did search for him on Facebook, and found him there. I messaged and asked what had happened to him previously, and why he didn't just give me a heads up before disappearing on me completely, and leaving me to wonder for weeks. I didn't figure I'd ever get a response, but he did end up replying, and apologized for the way things had happened.

There started the whirlwind that was my life for the next 8 months. I was so crazy about him. All I kept thinking about was the fact that I'd been single for a LOT of years, by choice, because of things that had happened in my past. I never wanted to really take a chance on anyone that I'd met or talked to. I'd dated, but never let it get to the commitment phase. Here was this new man in my life, that made me want to be a part of something again. I literally ACHED to be a part of something. We eventually made plans to meet. I went up to his town for a four day weekend. He lived about 2 hours away from me in Illinois. This was my first time laying eyes on him in person. (We'd talked on the computer, the phone, even been on cam together, but this was in the flesh!) I was anxious to see him. You know? Like, butterflies in my stomach, excited. I wasn't the least bit nervous though. It was funny. I felt like I was going to see someone I'd known for a million years. One of his friends picked me up at the bus station in Springfield and took me to him. I remember pulling into that driveway and seeing him standing on the porch with a little smirk on his face. All I can tell you, is that the feeling that came over me was peace. It was like "coming home". We stepped into that house, and he wrapped his arms around me, hugged me to him, and I felt like there wasn't any place on earth that I belonged more than standing right there in front of him. It absolutely took my breath away. (Writing that literally took me back to that moment briefly....freakiness!) It was a great weekend. Relaxed, just hanging out and spending time with each other. I honestly dreaded the thought of leaving. The day I left, as I was waiting for a ride to the bus station, we sat on the front steps just leaning into each other. He laughed and said..."Just stay. Don't leave." I looked at him like he was crazy (even though the idea was the best one I'd ever heard lol). I reminded him of the fact that I had a job, apartment, and all my belongings were back in my town. I cried sitting on those steps that day. It ripped my guts out to drive away from him. He texted me all the way back home so I'd have something to keep me occupied. We made plans for him to come down to me in 2 weeks on my next off weekend and spend a few days with me in MY environment. 2 weeks?? Might as well have been forever, so I just sat at home......

Yep....biting my already non-existent nails. LMAO. That eternally long two weeks finally ended and I was on my way to St. Louis to the Greyhound station to sit and wait for his bus to come in. (I had to take the Metro Link train to the city to meet him. I should say here that I absolutely DETEST public transit for some unknown reason, so this was a big deal lol) En route to the city, I get a call from him, telling me the bus driver won't let him on the bus due to lack of identification. Well, all I'll say is I snapped on the train and demanded to speak to the bus driver. (I'd already talked to Greyhound and was assured he'd have no problem getting on the bus despite the lost ID) The bus driver wasn't going to let him ride, but I begged and pleaded and was almost in tears when he decided to let him on and hold his laptop as collateral (even though he was paying cash for the bus ride and HAD the money in his hand).  He hung up on me before I actually found out the driver WAS letting him on so I was in freak out mode when the phone rang again. This time, it was his mother, informing me that he WAS on the bus but somehow had dropped his cell in her car while gathering his bags to get on the bus. The woman was asking me what she should do, and informed me she was chasing said Greyhound down the highway in an effort to give her son his phone. (I should say here that his mother is,in fact, completely blind in one eye and was haul assin' down the interstate in the dark of night...in hot pursuit of that bus). HAHA, I seriously want to laugh out loud right now thinking about that phone call. I sent her home and told her that he could do without his cell for 3 days. He is, after all, a big boy LOL.  I sat there waiting and waiting...just vibrating with excitement at the thought of seeing him again. Ya know those old black and white movies where the couple is in the train station and they run up and kiss? Yes, well, forgive this mentally challenged girl because I swear to God, that is exactly what I was envisioning. (mmmhmmm i'm a super mushy ra-tard LOL)

Okay, okay, so it wasn't QUITE like that. Oh well, it was still great. (I promise I didn't run through the bus station like a crazy fool and embarrass him haha) I met his grumpy, attitude-havin' bus driver though, and shook his hand. He was really a butt face, I might add. I think he ended up staying with me four days too. We had his folks drive down and get him to avoid the no ID fiasco again. He was visiting me to help me pack my belongings and move out of my apartment. (Ha! I totally forgot to mention that little tid bit of information, didn't I?) We got everything packed and moved to a storage location where I'd be staying until he came back in 13 days to ride back with me to his town, so I didn't have to drive it alone with all my junk. I should say that he was "on again, off again" about this decision to have me move with him. One day he wanted it, the next he was questioning whether we were making the right choice. His last day at my place, he tried to back out completely. He had a scared look in his eyes, like he was going to break into a run if I just touched him with a fingertip. I wasn't scared at all, and couldn't fathom why he was. I didn't bat an eyelid when I'd turned in my 2 week notice. I didn't bat an eyelid packing my things and moving them. I didn't bat an eyelid because I was never more sure of a decision than I was of that one. In my heart, it was the right choice, and for the first time ever, my HEAD was actually in agreement with my heart at the same time. He was acting funny when they got there to pick him up and I was crying like a baby. I was so scared I'd just given up my job, my apartment, my EVERYTHING, and he was going to disappear....never to be seen or heard from again.

I ended up only working out one week of my notice, and I drove up myself. He was waiting for me when I got there. I met his two youngest kids that day (it was his week to have them). He still seemed scared and told me as much. He worried that things would go wrong, and that we wouldn't be able to be friends anymore. I still wasn't worried. I knew about all his past relationship issues. He knew about mine. I knew what I was up against. I knew he wasn't quite over some of the things that had happened to him in his past. I'll probably never be over some of the things that happened to me. I just wanted a new start...something beautiful in my life for a change. I wanted a chance for us BOTH to make something good out of all the bad in our pasts. I truly believed that we could. I saw things in him that he wasn't even able to see about himself. He was so down on life, and I just wanted us to be the bright rays of light for each other. I SERIOUSLY have a dreamer's heart and soul. I try so very hard to see the good in everyone. I definitely saw SO much of the good in him before things went wrong. I was there a little over three months before my dream came to a complete end. We DID get a lot accomplished together while I was there. Maybe things that some people wouldn't even see as accomplishments, but for US, they definitely were. I saw him come out of that depression he'd been in for so long, and he brought a lot out of me that I didn't realize I had anymore. He showed me, that despite some of the really rough things in my life...despite a LOT of rejections along the way, that I still had the capacity and the ability to truly love someone again.

I held on as long as I could. I tried everything I could to keep us together. I tried to be everything he needed without changing who I am. Sometimes, people just don't see what they have in front of them, because they're too busy looking into the past. Our downfall was mostly because of that....the past....and not being able to let go. I let go of a lot for him. I told myself that I loved him, but I wasn't "in love" with him. It wasn't until I knew I would be leaving there, that realization hit me full on. I'd been crazy in love with him the whole time. The last month living there was really rough. The last 3 weeks there was a lot of yelling, and tears, or not talking at all. It was a drain on my soul to go through that with him. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I got sick and just couldn't function like a normal grown woman should. It was hard to deal with the "loss" of him and still be in the same space with him. I lost almost 30 pounds in those last 3 weeks.

I never realized it was possible to shed that many tears, and still have more to cry. I quickly found that it is indeed possible to find more tears. At the beginning of March, he requested I leave. The request wasn't exactly a nice one at the time. I packed my belongings, and spent the next 3 days in that house...alone, with nothing but my pathetic tears to keep me company. It was a rough way to end things. I left that Friday, with a heavy heart, with no goodbye from him, and with every urge to turn around and give up my soul to find a way to make it work. My last memory of that place is his mother (who I love like she's my own mother) holding me, smoothing my hair, and trying to dry the unending river of tears that I'd been crying for days. Wow, this is REALLY painful to look at as I type it. I suppose I'm not really over what happened with him. I guess it just takes a lot of time for some kinds of pain to ease away. I've got nothing but time, right?

Many people have given me shit that know about what I went through with this situation, because I chose to remain friends with him after all this. They couldn't understand it. People advised that I should cut him out of my life...cut him away, like a cancer during surgery. I've learned it's never that easy when you love someone. No matter what, I thought of him as that man that I first met. He was that guy that I could talk to about anything. He was my friend. I KNOW that guy is inside of him somewhere. I saw the soul of the man many times, and while troubled, it was so beautiful. A beautiful, brilliant, mind and soul like I'd never encountered before. It was just buried far too deep for me to grasp and be able to hold onto. He hurt me deeply, but somehow I found the place inside of myself that was able to forgive him. I could never hate him. Things didn't work for us, but for a small space of time, I felt beautiful, loved, appreciated, wanted, and alive. I found those things again with him and, for that, I thank him.