Suckered again.....

And to think, I actually WANTED to be able to try and believe you again. To think I have had faith in you no matter what for some reason. To think I was willing to try to forgive you for the fuckery. So my repayment for all that is to look me in the eyes, and lie straight to my face apparently. I used to say, "I hope it's worth it". That has now been changed. I can ASSURE you, that you will find it was NOT, in fact, worth it to lie to me. You should have learned not to bite the hands that feed you LONG ago. It's a shame that it's going to take you waking up cold, alone, and half dead one day for you to really GET IT. You had a woman that has been your friend for 3 years. You had a woman that loved you despite all your faults and fuck ups. (she has been hurt, disappointed, and disgusted numerous times recently, but she still cared) I am done being all quiet and secretive about your bullshit. You have disappointed and disgusted me, your closest friends and family, and you insist on keeping on doing it. One day, you will find that all the places you have to turn to, will have disappeared....even the family will become completely sick of it.

You will have squandered every resource you have and every opportunity you had from loving and giving people to help you get yourself straight. You will have NO ONE to blame.....but YOU.

I watched the tears rolling out of your eyes and felt sick to my stomach. It broke my heart to watch it. I wanted to do anything I could to take away whatever demons you have that are eating at your soul. I listened to every word you said to me. I watched every single emotion play across your face last night. I believed the words you were saying to me. I believed you when you said you didn't want for people to look at you in disappointment and disgust. I believed you when you said you didn't like the person you've become. I believed you when you said you honestly want something better for yourself in your life. Worst of all, I believe d you, when you looked into my eyes and cried....saying how sorry you were for hurting me, lying to me....and that you truly love me and never meant for any of this to happen.

I've talked to friends and family, and heard all sorts of opinions on what to do. The caring, loving part of me (which is obviously the bigger part of me, and it keeps allowing me to get hurt) wants to wipe away all your issues, be there for you, stick by you, and do whatever it takes to get you the help you need. That part is my heart and it just wants to keep giving and giving...despite the many times it keeps getting shit on. My brain tells me to sweep you out the door with all the other trash and old news in my life. My brain tells me to snap and lash out and really do damage to you in whatever way I can. My brain tells me to make you pay for all these trashy, shitty, repulsive things you keep doing to me and your own family. My brain tells me you keep doing these things because no one ever makes you pay....so you think it's perfectly okay to just hurt people and destroy their trust.

I am so very upset right now while writing this to / for you. I keep trying to grasp why a person I've always been nothing but HONEST with would feel the need to lie to me so many times. I'd rather have the truth any day of the week, rather than walking back into the lies every time I turn around. I left home in a pretty good mood today, knowing that we'd talked, and had more talking to do. I felt a tiny bit of the weight that's been on my chest for weeks ease up a little. I had the smallest of smiles on my face....small, but a good start. For some reason, you just couldn't let that be I guess. I walked back through the door to be smacked in the face with your lies again.

Hurt me once....shame on you...
Hurt me twice, shame on me for letting it happen again...
Hurt me again, I start to feel like I deserve it for allowing it...

I didn't deserve this. I deserved the promises you made to me. I didn't sign up for this.

Shame on YOU.....    =(

Another Day, Another Let Down...

Ya know, I consider myself a good person on most days. Some days I remember things I've done in my past that were unsavory, but I've made amends and for the most part, I am a good human being. Why then, tell me, am I left with this empty, hurt feeling in the pit of my gut? Why again, is it not the first time I've felt this? Why are you now a person creating it, when for so long you've been a friend, confidant, someone I could trust? Why have I heard for years how much you love me, when the actions speak so differently from the words? Why would you choose things....substances....over me? Why? Better question is...HOW can you make that choice? How could those things be better for you than your own woman? Make you take from her, lose her respect, her trust?...her friendship??? None of those things were important to you, huh? I assure you, they were very important to her. Things that she held on to with certain people because she knew she could count on them to stay true.

Do you realize how much you hurt her with the things you did? You took away alot that can't be given back. Money, material things, they can all be replaced, but that feeling of safety is forever tarnished. Does that even bother you? You broke her trust once a long time ago, and she forgave you. She left it in the past enough to pack up and move AGAIN, to try to give herself a new start. She was a bit scared but not worried because she never thought for a second that you'd do anything to hurt her. It appears that her judging of character has become way off through the years.

I don't want to be bothered by what you did to me. I don't want to give two shits about what you do with your life from here on out. However, the more I think about all this the last few days, the more I realize just how hurt I really am. I am lashing out constantly...and even doing it to people who don't have shit to do with anything. I'm depressed and crying all the time. I don't feel like I can even laugh without forcing it. YOU did this, and I won't, for one fucking second let you forget it. I know you can't stand to hear me tell you about yourself...you don't want to "listen to this shit". Tough. If more people in your life didn't turn a blind damn eye to the bs...you wouldn't still be doing it, and you wouldn't have felt like you could do it to me.

I've heard you say a million times how you aren't anything special, how you're unattractive, how you don't deserve to be happy. We ALL deserve to be happy. You were, in fact, something very special to me. You and the other people here felt like family to me. I let myself feel like that because I needed to, due to lack of having my own family to be close to. You have effectively stolen that away from me, and I can't even begin to think of how to forgive someone for that.


You had it. You had everything you said you wanted. You'd gotten me here. You had a woman in your life that loved you no matter what you thought she felt. Look what you threw away for what amounts to nothing ( and the drinks, drugs, and other trash you're associating with ARE, in fact, NOTHING).....

For your sake....I hope it was worth it.