~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 18 : Love knows no real boundaries...."I kissed a girl, and I liked it"!

My opinion on gay marriage? That's an easy one, for sure. LET IT BE! Who in the world should have the right to tell any two other people that they can't be together? Umm, that would be NO ONE, and especially NOT the government. Love is love, and it doesn't matter who is feeling it. or it SHOULDN'T matter anyway. I have NEVER had a problem with gay people, them being together, or them wanting to make their love official and get married. Us straight folks are allowed to marry whoever we damn well choose, so why the hell shouldn't they be able to?

My opinions on it are even stronger now, because my 14 year old daughter has "come out" and let people know that she is "BI". Who's to say that one day she won't choose a woman to share her life with? I don't want her to ever be told that it's wrong for her to be in love, just because it's with someone of the same gender. She is an amazing girl, and no matter who she chooses to share her life with one day, she should be allowed to make it official in the eyes of the law.

I've known A LOT of gay people in my 35 years on this earth and I'm here to tell ya, if I could have nothing but gay friends, that would be seriously awesome. They have been some of the most amazing characters I've ever run across. I've known some that didn't want anyone to know they were gay, and I've known some that were so flagrant in their gayness that it left nothing to the imagination. (LOL, naturally, those were my favorite gay friends!) It's not a choice to be gay. Who in the hell would CHOOSE to subject themselves to constant ridicule and attack for being that way? That's right....NO ONE would. Need someone to blame for it?.....

It's not a personal lifestyle choice people! You're born that way. Some people are just really good at hiding it sometimes. However, eventually, they come out and finally feel better about being honest with themselves and everyone else. I KNEW my child was different a LONG time ago. SHE knew it a long time ago. I just waited for her to tell me when she was ready to. One day, if she so chooses, she better have the right to marry whoever the hell she pleases. Straight people aren't the only ones that should have that right.


*Sigh*

 

P.S. By the way, I really DID kiss a girl once...and I DID like it. *smirks*

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 17 : Ever read a book that changed your views on something?

I absolutely love to read and I always have. I used to use books as a great form of escape when I was a kid. I've been sitting here thinking about whether or not I've ever read a book that has honestly made me change my views on something. I cannot think of one for the life of me. I read a lot of fiction books, the occasional biography perhaps, but nothing that would cause my views on anything to alter. (Nothing that I can recall anyway).
The only thing I can think of that comes even REMOTELY close to this topic is having read  a book series that made me seriously never want to read anything from that author again. LOL. That series would be the Dark Tower series by Stephen King. I got completely engrossed in that series. I read straight through all the books, hurrying to get to the end. I was so excited to reach the last few pages of that last book. Man, I have never been so pissed off in my entire life when reading something. I KNEW before reading that last book that something "scream worthy" happened at the end. My roommate had been reading each book before she handed them over to me. She had finished the last book the night before I read it. (Yes, I read the whole damn book in less than 24 hours LOL) The fact that other people that might not have read this series, might happen across this entry is the ONLY reason I do not mention what happened at the end. All I DO know is that the ending made me want to drive all the way up north to find Stephen King and....

That is all.

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 16 : Sweet Jeebus! Fucktards! They're Everywhere!

Amen.

Fucktards, I tell ya, they're everywhere you look anymore. You can't step out of your front door without the possibility of running into one. Unfortunately for some people, they even have to LIVE with fucktards. (I feel sorry for THOSE poor souls). Yes, I do have a penchant for coming across this type of person very easily. My fucktard radar picks them up like nobody's business. I do tend to enjoy toying with them a lot too, but to be quite honest, they're a nuisance and I could seriously do without them!


We all run across many different types of fucktards in our daily lives. (Someone should really market a "Tard-B-Gone" spray to repel these bastards. Get on it people!)  Let us identify just a few types for shits and giggles. How about it? Alrighty, onward we go!

THE "KNOW IT ALL" FUCKTARD :
-- These people are the ones that no matter what you might be talking about, they know everything about it. The things they are spouting can often "sound:" factual but usually aren't. If you are a rather "learned" type, you will probably know right away that what these tards are saying is completely bogus. For those that aren't quite sure, but have their doubts about the "know-it-all's" information; you can usually do some minimal fact checking to reveal these people are indeed nothing more than clever bullshit artists.

 

THE "ALWAYS HAS A BETTER STORY THAN YOU" FUCKTARD :

-- This is the type of tardo, that while you're in the middle of a story about something that happened to you, will JUMP IN and interrupt you to tell a story about how the same thing happened to them...only BETTER. C'mon, we ALL know this type of person. I used to work with one back in my days at good 'ol Rosewood Care Center in Swansea, IL. It didn't matter who was talking, she would interject in the middle of their repertoire, to let everyone know how the exact same thing went down in her life and was SO much more awesome than what we were already hearing. (We all had the urge to beat her over the head with a cinder block, I assure you!).

Please talk to the hand, stupid bitch. *sigh*

THE "ILLITERATE" FUCKTARD :

-- For the purposes of this entry, I am grouping all the forms of this fucktard that I know, TOGETHER. These would be the ones that can't spell worth a fuck, constantly use screwed up punctuation or NO punctuation at all, the ones who can't understand plain English to save their lives, the poor grammar bitches, and the ones who use computer or texting abbreviations ALL the time, for EVERY thing. These people are my FAVORITE to pick on, for while I am no brilliant scholar or genius myself, I CAN manage to put together coherent sentences so that the masses can understand me. I have MANY friends who hate this group of fucktards as much as I do. We have many hours of laughs at their expense, and also a few headaches from having to read that sort of fuckery. *pukes*

THE "I'M THE SHIT!" FUCKTARD :

--You can find this fucktard anywhere naturally, but I tend to run across this type of person online more than most other places. I've also come to find that it is usually younger people. This form of maggot comes in both the male and female variety, and for some reason they are under the impression that the entire world revolves around them. This type was found A LOT back in high school and was known to me as the "preppy" crowd. They think they are better than everyone else in every possible way....better looking, cooler friends, hotter cars, you name it, they think everything about them is all that and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. I ALMOST feel sorry for this group of dumbasses, because they haven't figured out that all that beauty will eventually fade, and they'll be left with nothing but their stank ass personalities to get by on. Damn, THAT'S gonna be a rough eye opener, eh? Yes, you guys, you ARE the shit....and what do we do to shit?......

*closing lid*

These are really just a FEW of the types of tardolicious people out there. I'm sure with more time, I could come up with a list that would keep us all busy for YEARS.  No matter what form we find them in, they are nothing more than a hindrance to what might otherwise be a peaceful, rather awesome fucking day. We could ALL do without these little puke stains in our life. It's a shame that we'll never know what it's like without them though. It's official folks, they're here to stay. We might as well enjoy fucking with the little douche canoes while we can!!!  ;)

Get out there and support your fellow intelligent man! Bust a fucktard in the head today!

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 15 : Gimme A Smoke Or I Choke Out Lil Johnny!!!

Hands down, the one thing I've tried (REPEATEDLY) to live without and failed miserably at, is my smokes. There's a couple people who have seen me go without for long periods of time, and I'm not gonna lie....it just gets UGLY.  I know a lot of people probably think I just don't WANT to go without them. That would be "partly" true, because honestly, I LOVE smoking. However, cigarettes are just as addictive as some of the drugs out there. Granted it's not crack or heroin...but that nicotine will get ya! It will grab ahold of ya and not let go.

My ex's 17 year old cousin was living with me after he and I split up. That poor child came home from high school one day to find me rocking back and forth on the couch like an autistic child might rock back and forth. She took one look at me and KNEW what was wrong. She pretty much told me right then, she had NO earthly intention of spending the night in the same house with me if I was out of cigarettes. LOL. She grabbed some clothes and said she was going to stay at her little friend's house that night. I can't actually remember how long I'd been without one at that point, but I was pretty much at freaking out level.

Everyone has their vices...the things they just can't deal without. Smoking calms me. Call me crazy, but it honestly does. If I'm going through something really stressful, the odds are you will see me with a smoke in my face. If I'm stressed, and you DON'T see a smoke in my hand or between my lips, then it's probably best for you to steer clear of me. The last couple of days I haven't been feeling the greatest and there's a lot of things popping up that are causing me a SIGNIFICANT amount of stress and worry. My attitude today has been a bit worse than normal, so those intelligent people won't find it hard to figure out why.

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 14 : "Dear Dad, You used to be my hero..." (A hero that has let you down. Write a letter.)

The beginning...

Dear Dad,

Do you remember the day you and Mom brought me home? I don't remember it at all. I was far too small to remember it. Was it a joyous day for you? I've been told it was, but I really wonder what you were thinking in your own mind at the time. My memories pick up at a point where I thought there was nothing greater in the world than you. I can't really recall specifics, but I do know I thought there was nothing that could top MY Daddy. I remember you holding my hand at specific points over the years, and sitting on your lap, and you smiling at me. I remember being "Daddy's girl".

What did you do in school today, honey?

I'm pretty sure I can recall being walked to and from the bus many times by you and Mom. I remember sitting at the kitchen table eating snacks while you asked me how my day was. I can almost feel my hair being ruffled numerous times while you stood beside me, and smiled down at me. Do you remember any of this Dad? Has any of the past stayed with you in your mind...any of the good stuff, that is?

Hold on, kiddo! Don't let go!

 Do you remember ANY of the fun things we did together as a family? Do you remember when I was your "little girl", and even when I'd done wrong, you still loved me? I DO remember those days. Surprisingly, writing this letter to you makes me feel like those days were yesterday. That's how clearly I can see the past in my mind. I'm betting the past isn't so clear for you.

What happened to us? Was it me learning that I had my own mind, and opting to use it? Was it me choosing to be who I am., regardless of how you felt? Was it me making mistakes along the way, that you think you never would have made? Or was it just simply me growing up and not following behind you and your set of rules anymore?  Me changing and growing up didn't mean I didn't love you anymore, Dad. It just meant I wasn't a small child anymore. I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do...grow, make mistakes, learn from them...make more mistakes. That is what life is about!

Life happens, but people still love their families, right? Well, why don't you? Why is it that who I am isn't acceptable to you? What happened to unconditional love? What happened to loving your children no matter what? I know I haven't been the perfect child, and I'll be the FIRST to admit that. Why then is it that you'll never admit to being less than the perfect Dad? I've waited years for apologies for hurtful words said, and those apologies never come. I know now at 35, that I'm NEVER going to hear them. You don't think you're in the wrong...for anything. That's a shame, Dad. There was a time I saw you as my knight in shining armor...the one who would always be there to save me if something went wrong. I know now that certain fairy tales don't exist. The days of you coming to my rescue are LONG gone.

P.S. Did you ever know that you WERE my hero? You let me down a long time ago. I learned a lot from you though. I'll never turn my back when my kids come to me in need. I'll never act like they don't exist just because their choices aren't ones I would make for myself. I won't ever let them hear that they wouldn't be here if I'd known how they'd turn out. I will love them...because they are MY kids. I will accept them because I love them and they are MY kids. I will give to them my love unconditionally, because that's how it's supposed to be. They didn't ask to be here, and neither did I Dad.

You're my Dad, and I love you. I always will. I'm sorry that loving YOUR child became so much more of a chore, than just a simple emotion.

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 13 : "Dearest Adele"....(A band or artist that's gotten you through some tough days. Write them a letter.

Dearest Adele,

Where to start? Your music was introduced to me at a time in my life that couldn't have been more perfect. I found that I could see myself in the lyrics of almost every song of yours I listened to. It's almost like I could have written them myself just from the things that were going on in my life at the time. I identify with all of them...the songs about being in love...the songs about breaking up and the heartache....the songs about picking yourself up and moving on. I'm quite sure there are millions of other women that feel the same way I do too about your music. I just wanted you to know that your words have reached into the very depths of my soul at times and comforted me in ways that other things weren't able to. I believe you to be a role model to a lot of females out there for many reasons. In my case, after some very rough happenings in my life, your music made me feel empowered again. I wish there were more amazingly talented women out there like you whose music I could identify with so completely. You are such a gift! ♥

Always a fan.....
Gina

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 21: Venice...The Romantic Location of my Dreams!

I've been that romantic day dreamer ever since I was a kid. I think that's a normal behavior for young girls. My daydreaming has definitely spilled over into adulthood. I'm always thinking of the fairytale endings despite the things I go through. I figure one day, that man that I've been dreaming about since I was a child, will eventually show up and sweep me off my feet. We'll venture off to the most romantic destination and life will be perfect. Haha, it's a nice dream, isn't it? *Sigh* Maybe one day....

Italy. I've already been there as a child, and I know I wasn't old enough to appreciate the sheer beauty that surrounded me at the time. My mother is Italian, and we had gone to visit my grandparents. My ideal romantic location would be Venice, Italy. I think that in reality, any location can be made romantic if you're with the one you love. However, something about the small streets, quaint sidewalk cafes, narrow waterways..it draws me in. It all speaks to me of "closeness", and what's more romantic than just being close to the one who has your heart?

 *Huge sigh* A gondola ride while the sun sets? Hello? That SCREAMS romantic! Nothing greater than being snuggled up with your special someone, smooching and talking, with the waves rocking you. Okay, I just drifted somewhere else in my mind with this picture. *Double sigh*

It's my goal in life to make it back to Italy now that I'm an adult. I couldn't appreciate anything as a 10 year old. The 35 year old I am now, would be in awe of everything I saw there. It IS a beautiful place...the culture, the architecture...everything. Mark my words, one fine day...Gina is going to be posting pics of herself...kicked back in a gondola with a cheesy grin on her face!  ;)

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 20: Long Distance / Internet Love? Do you believe in it? Why / Why not?

Love is love, no matter where you find it or where it starts. Yes, I believe in long distance loves and internet love. Do people realize how many relationships start on the internet these days? It's a crap shoot no matter where you meet people anymore. There's always the possibility of success OR failure whether you meet a person in your local grocery store or on the world wide web. Why limit your options as to where you can meet that person that might be perfect for you?

The cool thing about meeting people is that you can find love with even the biggest differences between you.  ;)

 You can tailor your searches to find people that fit your specific list of criteria LOL

We should all keep our eyes open too, because there's really no telling when that one we thought to be a frog, might actually turn out to be that "prince" in disguise....

I've met so many awesome people online. I really can't stress enough that the good experiences with the internet have FAR outweighed the bad ones. There are bad apples everywhere and we're just as apt to find them at a club, grocery story, a gym, work, as we are on the web. Douchebaggery exists world wide and isn't confined to the virtual world. In my experiences, I've gotten to know people quite well through chatting online. YES, there's ALWAYS the possibility that who you're talking to ISN'T who they say they are. People sometimes like to embellish on the 'net...anything to make themselves look better. Hell, you can find men and women like that right on the corner near your home. There are also good, decent, honest people out there. They're the kind of people you end up feeling blessed to know...the kind of folks you can turn to when times are hard for friendship, comfort and help.

It's rough when you meet someone you hit it off with, especially online, that's not right around the corner from you.

Distance can be a mortal enemy to ANY relationship, whether it bloomed online or elsewhere. No one wants to be away from the person they love and care for. The greater the distance between you, the rougher it is, I'm sure. I've met many people online that I've hit it off with that I would have dated if distance had allowed (and if my non-trusting heart had allowed it). I've met MANY people online (male and female) and have been quite lucky that none of them were bad people (ex. psycho murderers, rapists, etc). They were ALL, in fact, hot messes in some way, because that's the kind of people I like! Gotta keep it interesting! I detest boring people. LOL.

 I've been closer to some people, more than others. That happens of course, even with people you meet away from the 'net. I've been close to some of them for years, and will ALWAYS be that way with them. It's not hard to figure out which loves are true and will always hang around.

Some burn far more intensely than others. Ya wouldn't think it's possible to know what desire and passion feel like when passed through a keyboard, would you? I never thought about it back when I first started playing around in the virtual world MANY years ago, but I eventually found an appreciation for the things that can develop through this form of social interaction. I've known a love through this box, so strong, that it FAR surpassed anything I thought possible. I'd been married and had kids with someone before, and THAT love didn't even come CLOSE to what I felt for my "internet love".

People who truly love one another find a way to make the hard times work, especially when there's distance involved. I guess it all depends on how much you care for that person, and the time, money, and feelings you're willing to invest in any given relationship....

It CAN work, but it would have to be two very trusting and devoted individuals.


No matter how you look at it...if it's love, you do what you have to do....

and never let go of what made you fall for that person to begin with. True love will overcome all obstacles...

*Sigh* I ♥ love! It's a beautiful, painful, precious thing in any form.

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 19: What Do You ♥ To Do The Most?

There's a definite tie between the 2 things I love to do the most, so I will be mentioning them both here. I am a fan of art. The word ART can be something you find in so many forms. My two favorite forms of it are able to draw me in and transport me to another place, if only for brief moments in time.....

Writing. I love it. I've loved to write since I was a small child. I wrote as much and as often as I could. Writing assignments in school were definitely right up my alley, that's for sure. ( I could have done without the ones that required research of some kind though. LOL.) I like to just sit down with a pen and paper and let things flow out. I've written poetry for many years. Writing is sometimes the most amazing form of escape and release that I've ever known. I've had many things I've wanted to escape over the years, so it came in QUITE handy. I kept journals for many years, until I found myself around unsavory characters that liked to delve into my personal thoughts at their leisure. Some things are specifically for oneself...the things that you choose NOT to share. I stopped keeping one years ago, but maybe I'll take the habit back up again. (Hell, for that matter, my blog is like one giant journal, so there may be no need for that. Ya can't get much more personal than I am here.)

I long for my own personal quiet space where I can just feel free to be me, and let whatever is inside out. I'd give anything for a hidden room to escape to, where I can be quiet and feel relaxed.



My other love, which is probably way more intense than my love of writing....

MUSIC!!!! I love it in ways I can't explain. It's one of the most expressive art forms ever. I love to listen to it, and I love to sing. I don't care that I may not be the best, I do it anyway. Anyone within hearing range who might not like it can either get missing or deal wit it! THAT'S RIGHT! I said it. At any given moment, I might be channeling Alicia Keys, Adele, Whitney...or any other diva out there. (Who cares that I sound NOTHING like them?) My give a damn is busted Chile. Iffin' ya don't wanna hear me, I suggest people run on out and invest in a supply of ear plugs. I'm sure y'all can get a discount if you buy in BULK!  ;)

Music, to me, is an expression of one's soul, no matter what type of music it is. There is something beautiful in EVERY kind of music out there. Everyone has their personal tastes in different genres of music, but none of us should criticize the expressions of others. (I'm aware that's hard to keep ourselves from doing sometimes.)

Music is love, pain, joy, rage, fear...it's EMOTION in some of it's rawest forms and an art that I will forever have an undying respect for! ♥

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 18: The ♥ Triangle! Desire Me? Who? Wha?

I've unfortunately been at the center of a couple of these bad boys. It's great to be loved...sure! It sucks, however, when there's more than one person at a time carrying around feelings for you. Some might think that wouldn't suck, but for me, I have never enjoyed anything less. In those situations, someone always gets hurt and anyone that truly knows me, knows that there's nothing I hate more than hurting another person. (I don't want to be hurt by anyone, so WHY would I want to be the one causing the pain?)

There's always one of them that just can't tolerate the other, even though they may not know each other. Just their mere existence is enough of an irritant....

I've even had situations where one of them wanted to seriously injure and maim the other person. It's just bad business that should TRY to be avoided at all costs. In my case, I've come across so many people in my life, and had so many relationships where I've gotten close to certain people, that it seems I can't avoid things like this happening sometimes. I'm not even all that great so I TRULY don't get it. (You'd think I was some damn gorgeous Playboy model type with some of the triangle drama I've had to endure...sheesh!)

I'm usually left praying that someone will just wake up one day and magically forget that they care about me. Unfortunately, for more than just me, it doesn't work that way. I've got a couple people that I've known for years that are still to this day carrying some kind of a torch for me. I have actually asked what it is about me that's had them hanging on this long, just waiting for the opportunity to prove their feelings. The answer has been pretty much the same...some people seem to think I'm amazing for some reason. I keep trying to tell people that I'm just an average, every day woman. I couldn't be more "plain Jane" if I tried. I hear it told that it's my personality. I guess that being an outgoing, caring, humorous, and loving individual  can sometimes have it's down side.

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 17: Young Love...Is it Real?

Yes, I DO believe young people can fall and love and it be the real thing. I mean, really, who is to say what is real and what isn't anyway? No one knows exactly what another person is feeling inside to start with. Only the person with the feelings can ever really know that. I've heard many stories of young love over the years and even had my own experience with it. I actually think that the younger some people are when they fall in love for the first time, the more painful it can be. Our first loves are some scary business. You wake up and realize you have all these feelings tumbling around inside that you don't know what to do with. I've heard stories of people who met when they were small children and somehow ended up together down the line. Those are always awesome ones.

My young love experience, for me, was sort of fairytale-ish to start with. I, being the unpopular girl, somehow managed to fall in love with a guy from the "cool side". A guy that could have had any woman he wanted back then, and chose to hang out with me. THAT FREAKING RAWKS! To be honest, the popular people back in the day weren't even ones that I'd want to be "friends" with, much less date or fall in love with. It turns out though, that he was a pretty amazing character once I got to know him. It's funny how that happens, isn't it? When you take the time to turn a few pages, you find you'd have been wrong if you had opted to judge the book by its cover.

My young love was so real and intense for me, that I was in love with him for a couple years after things fell apart between us. I never forgot about him though, and he had a HUGE impact on my life. Even with the way things ended between us, I wouldn't trade a single second I spent with him and wouldn't have wanted any other first love. He was sweet, kind, and caring, and completely gentle with me when the time came for him to be. What was a highly embarrassing moment in my life, was made so much better by the kindness and gentleness he showed me.

♥Such a blessing that some feelings never fade.♥

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 16: Do You Believe In Love At First Sight?

Love at first sight....what an awesome notion. I've heard people say that they've experienced it before. There are some that have found their soul mate through that experience. What lucky bastards they are, since I didn't find my soul mate that way. I found mine by accident, and can't even be with that person anyway. Poor me. LOL.

I HAVE experienced love at first sight....FOUR times to be exact. They are the only times I have ever experienced it and will be the only mentions I have on the subject.

March 20 : The day my beautiful baby girl Brianna was born.

November 8 : The day my son Eric was born.

October 7 : The day my daughter Shelby Lynn was born.

September 3 : The day my little Becca came into the world (though I must say, even though I was instantly in love with her little self, she was seriously one of the most homely, scary looking newborns EVA! Hahaha)

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 12: Compliment those? Not a chance! LOL

So...I saw this entry topic and I thought to myself, "Hmmm what it it that I NEVER get compliments on?" This really should have been a "no-brainer". I mean honestly, once I disclose this,  people will say, "Really? You had to actually THINK about this one?" Thank God for Jason really. Where would I be without him? I wouldn't have anyone to point out the oh so very OBVIOUS things to me. LOL. Alrighty then, here goes nothing folks......

Mmmmhmmm, that IS what you think it is. That is my ugly ass foot! These puppies have been a source of ridicule for me since back in high school! It's a painful subject really....*wipes tear*  They've always been ugly as heyell! Notice the longer second toe? Serious HOT MESS!!! During the 7 years I was with my ex Tony....I picked up  A LOT of nicknames. (Some of those cannot be disclosed here, because then I'd have to kill you people).  I have been known as "Geronitoe" since Tony first saw my feet. That shit spread like wild fire throughout his whole family. Yes, they ALL call me that shit. LMAO! Tony used to say, that if the turn signals ever went out on our vehicles, we'd still be straight, because all we had to do was stick my correct foot out da winder and that 2nd toe curves in that direction.

Go ahead, I know some of y'all mo fos are laughing like hell right now. It's cool. I'm over it. *screams into pillow* I can handle anything y'all dish out. Come at me and you'll see!

*mumbles under breath* I swear imma kill Tony one day...*snickers*

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on

I'd definitely say that initially, the compliment I receive most is about my eyes. I never really thought much about what my best physical things were, until the compliments started coming in about my eyes. I'm not the type of female that wears makeup either. I very seldom wear it, so there's nothing helping to draw attention to them. From what I'm told, I don't need anything extra. (I do so love compliments like that. It's always a nice, and much appreciated ego boost. Good thing I've learned how to take the compliments, eh? lol) I'm told they are bedroom eyes. I've only got one picture of myself that I think might even come close to the "bedroom eyes" look, and I'm really NOT about to post it on this blog so all my Facecrack friends can see it. LMAO! (Lord, I'd never hear the end of it from all my freaky friends!) So, sorry folks...that pic isn't going up.Haha.

I think the next physical feature I get compliments is pretty much tied with the compliments for my eyes. This feature wasn't something people got to see much on me for a LONGGGGG time. Being depressed keeps these away...the REAL ones anyway.  There ARE a few people who can bring on the real ones.....

Yup, the smile. I've got friends who have made it their life's work trying to keep one of these on my face. Bless their little hearts. LOL


Last but not least, is the one thing that's not physical....my sickening sense of humor. I'm a nut. Everyone that knows me, knows that I talk any way I want to...act like a complete dork, and I am quite happy with myself this way. I don't intend to change. What ya see, is what ya get......  ;)

Anddddd...some of the shit you'll see with me....AIN'T purty!!!!!! Hahaha!

Lord, I remember that day. I was working out to a Billy Blanks video. That was the day Gina became forever more known as "Billy's Bitch!"


Ain't it grand being friends with me? *smirks*

~30 Days of Truth DAY 10: Someone you NEED to let go, or wish you didn't know.

It's really crazy how so many of the people I have been writing about in these entries can be found in other entries I've done. It's like they fit into more than one. (I've had it pointed out to me that I'm writing about a lot of  the same things, just in different ways. I know this, but that's just how it happens sometimes.) Everything in life seems to overlap. It's all just a big circle.

I think I should say that there isn't ANYONE that I wish I didn't know. Every contact you have with different people adds something to the person you are. Granted, what it adds might not always be something great, and some people affect us more or less than others.

That being said, I wish I was able to let go of a number of people in my life that prove to me just how much they DON'T care. There ARE several of them. I'm there for them no matter what, but that isn't returned...EVER. I won't name their names, just because I feel it would be redundant. Plus, if any of them ever read this, they will KNOW who they are. Those that take and never give, know EXACTLY who they are. I feel sorry for them too....because it's really most definitely THEIR loss and not mine.

I'm not here to be a part of anyone's life when it's merely convenient for them. You're either a part of my life, a real human being who deserves to be there...or you're not. Choose wisely.

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 10: Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted

I just smiled thinking about him. There was this guy I met on Pogo YEARS ago. His name was Jason. (If my sis Gina reads this, she will know EXACTLY who I am talking about)  I don't even remember how I met him on there, or how we first started talking. He was a smartass just like me, and I only hung out in uncensored rooms, so there was probably some crazy conversation happening. All I remember was thinking he was one of the funniest, most real people ever. I'd wait up until the crack of dawn if necessary, just to be able to talk to him for five short minutes. It was worth it. Every second he and I spent talking was worth everything in the world to me.

Jason came along not long after my break up with my ex Tony. Tony was in spit fire mode all the time back then and never really had a nice thing to say about me. He would come online telling everyone what a piece of shit I was, and just treating me like a dog. ( I recall words like bitch, slut and whore. LOL) Jason used to get SO pissed off when Tony would show up and start his drama. He'd drag me into private chat so I wouldn't have to see the conversation taking place out there. I believe he said I'd lived enough of it to last a lifetime, so why continue to have to deal with it, even if only in typed form.

I loved Jason. He was my other half. He made waking up every day a better experience. He gave me something to look forward to. It sucked that I couldn't have him. Jason was married. Even if he hadn't been, Jason lived far away....Wisconsin if I remember correctly. He wasn't at all my type either. I think "long haired rocker guy" is an accurate enough description. He had one of those open kind of relationships with his wife (to each their own, because I wouldn't be sharing him if it had been me. I don't share well. This guy was amazing.) I know how he was with me, so I imagine he was even better to her. He was just a great person. Funny, good personality, talented, hard worker....the list could go on and on for days. The most important thing to me was that he was my friend....and I loved him dearly. My feelings for him had definitely surpassed a "just friends" level, but I didn't say anything about them, because I didn't want to be in the wrong. (Plus, I didn't want the embarrassment of him knowing them and not feeling the same).

One night, he was supposed to be online at a certain time, and never showed. I was of course, worried as hell. He was prompt and on time if nothing else. I think it was about a week and a half later and I got online after work, and had an offline from him on Yahoo messenger saying he really needed to talk to me and it was important. We kept missing each other. One night we finally caught each other and he let me know what had happened. He was on his way to work (the morning of the day he was supposed to meet me online) and as he was driving along, he said his vision faded in an out twice, and then went completely black. He couldn't see anything. He crashed his car. Luckily, he wasn't injured too bad in the actual accident, but there he was, still not able to see a damn thing. When the EMS got to him he was freaking out. He had been to see some doctors during the time he wasn't online. They had found some lesions on his brain. He didn't get too much in-depth that night...just told me the doctors said it wasn't good.

He had cancer. What do you say to that when someone you love tells you they have a disease that there's a high probability could kill them? Well, I'll tell you what I told him. The words "I love you" came out instantly. He just said "Awwww that's sweet." I didn't even pay attention to the fact it had had no effect on him. I just wanted him to know he was loved, and I'd be there for all the moral support I could possibly give him from afar. We spent months and months talking after that. We kind of stopped going into Pogo with each other, preferring to spend the time we had talking one on one. He was on meds, so he got loopy a lot when they started kicking in. He'd sit there chatting and goofing off until he couldn't stay awake anymore. There were times he'd tell me he was feeling so much better...and was all excited he got to smoke weed legally because of his cancer....even had a script for it. That was awesome in his book. I thought his treatments were going well.

One night he came into Pogo when he found I wasn't signed onto yahoo yet. He pulled me into private chat and immediately typed the words "I love you Gina". I just sat there looking at the screen wondering where the heck that had come from. He then said, "I just wanted you to know that's how I felt, before I don't have a chance to tell you." He was silent for a few minutes and then he said, "I'm not going to get better. I can't beat this thing, and I don't want to die not telling you that having you as a part of my life in any form means the world to me."  (Insert waterfall of tears here.) I couldn't do anything but cry. I was brokenhearted. I was sad for him, and for me, and for our friendship. He then proceeded to inform me that he'd told his wife that he felt something for me, and that letting her know that had hurt her deeply, and that by hurting her, he was disappointed in himself. He said he was going to stop coming to Pogo, and stop talking to me...that he owed it to her to do so. I didn't argue with him. There was no point in it. He seemed to have made up his mind about it. I didn't think I'd be able to change it. He sat with me online for a couple hours that night, and when he left, I knew I wouldn't be hearing from him again.

Months went by, and I assumed that the worst had already happened. I mourned the loss of the friendship I had with him all by myself...completely internally. One day, I was in a game called Poppitt. I looked up when I saw a flash of red on my screen. (People who are on your friends list show up in red lettering on that site. When they enter the rooms it lets you know) I saw his name on my screen as having entered the room. A few minutes later...."Gina? Are you here?" Naturally, I was taken aback, because I thought he had succumbed to the cancer by then. We immediately started chatting in private. It was like he'd never been gone. He said he'd been doing better and had some hope that things would be okay. We went back to our private yahoo lifestyle lol. Always staying up to the wee hours of the morning talking about everything and nothing. We liked to share music with each other. That was our thing. I'll tell ya, the man had some eclectic music tastes. He liked some of everything. I'd never heard of some of that stuff before. I became a fan of a band called the Dropkick Murphys because of him. I can't remember how long we were talking again that time....weeks...maybe a couple months. We always told each other we loved each other when we'd part ways, and would always be there to talk at the exact time we promised one another.

One night Jason didn't show up again without a word. I waited days, weeks, months to hear from him. NOTHING. I never heard from Jason again. I found myself going into yahoo to pull up our archived conversations and reading them, just to feel like he was there. I lost all those convos when I had to have my computer reformatted after some bad virus problems. I had nothing left of him, but a screen name on my yahoo, and some music files on my computer. It was very sad for me. I didn't know what had happened. I couldn't find out anything, so I let it go. Almost 11 months after our last conversation, a woman came into a chat room I was in. It was a name I didn't recognize, and she asked me if I was Gina. She introduced herself as a friend of Jason's and of his wife's. She told me that Jason's wife had sent her to find me, and she'd been looking for me online for a few months to no avail. I was informed that day that Jason had passed away. He knew he was still sick the last time we'd been talking, and he knew he wasn't getting better. I suppose he just wanted to be able to spend some more time talking before he wasn't able to ever again. I felt like I'd lost a best friend that I'd known my whole life. The lady was really nice, and said that though I wasn't someone their circle of friends actually knew, that Jason's wife wanted me to know, because that was one of Jason's wishes.

If Jason were alive today, there's no way he wouldn't be here talking to me right now. Of that much, I am sure.  I know he's up there somewhere looking down on all the people he's ever cared about. I feel blessed to have known him. He was a good man. I wish he'd been able to do all the things he wanted to with his life. He was a young guy....I think 33 when he passed away. Never got the opportunity to become a Dad. It's a shame. I think he would have made an excellent one. He was my "jzman135" (jazman- for some of his musical tastes). His screen names were left on both my Pogo and yahoo friends lists. I want them there as a reminder. I don't ever want to forget that guy. Truly amazing, beautiful souls are few and far between in our lives. His soul will definitely live on forever in MY memory.  Wherever you are tonight Jzman 135...know that you were loved, and that you'll forever be missed by so many........

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 8: Like living with the Devil

I

In reading through some of my blog entries, I've realized that the majority of my life experiences have stemmed off my interactions with a few specific people. They have been the people I've been closest to, cared the most about, or spent the most time around. I actually had this pointed out to me this morning by yet another person I love and care about. He says that a lot of my writings are saying the same things, just in different ways. I've come to see, that sometimes, that can't be helped. These ARE my experiences, and they sometimes happen to involve the same people. Luckily, I'm not forcing anyone to read what I write, so it's a personal choice for someone to take the time to read it.

This topic is a sore spot for me, since I've been through a lot in my life. I've seen and been through some foulness that I wouldn't wish on another human being. I can say there are a few people during my 35 years on this earth that have made my life a living hell and treated me like shit. I've even written about a couple of them before. One of them stands out the most though, as far as having gone through the most trouble with, and that would be Tony.

I met Tony during a time I'd been separated from my husband. It wasn't a "legal" separation so to speak, but we hadn't seen each other in quite some time, and his visits to see me and our son had become non-existent. We'd been evicted from our home and he decided he wanted to go back and live at his mother's. I had, however, already "been there, done that, and got the T-shirt". There was no way I was going to live under his mother's roof again. Let's just say, she wasn't always the friendliest to "that white bitch her son married".  So, I was living with my best friend Michelle when I met Tony. Her husband was a painter and worked on the same job with Tony. I remember the first time I saw him. I thought he was a good looking man. I also noticed the 2 extremes of my choice in men. Here I was married to a black man still, and looking at one of the most redneck males to ever hit the earth. Tony looked at me like I was the best thing out there. He wouldn't take his eyes off of me that first day. Michelle and I had driven to the job site in a car I was test driving. We were taking it over there to let's Michelle's husband take a look at it.....and there was Tony.

He was dirty and covered in paint over spray, but he was definitely a ruggedly sexy kind of man. I got out of the car after popping the hood for Mike (Michelle's husband) and heard the loudest whistle I'd ever heard.  "Damnnnnnnn look at all those legs on you!" If I'm not badly mistaken, those are the first words I ever heard Tony say to me. I was semi-embarrassed by it for some reason, and could feel the heat rising on my cheeks. Back then, I was a serious blusher. (Today, it would take an act of Congress to make me blush. I rarely do it anymore.lol). Mike and Tony made plans for Tony to come hang out with us at Michelle's (where I was also living). What started out as something that was more than likely going to be just a possible "hook up", ended up being a 7 year relationship. He came that weekend and never left basically. LOL.

I'd been honest and told him that I was still currently married, but just was separated, and that the marriage was on its way out. He told me he was also actually still legally married, but they weren't "together" anymore either. It turns out that that, wasn't true at all. He stayed that entire weekend at Michelle's with us, and then when he tried to return to his own home, he'd been tossed out on his ear. (His belongings had already started finding their way outside into the yard, if I'm not badly mistaken) Soooooooo, back to Michelle's he had come, and there it was....the beginning of the end!

Mmmhmmm, our lives for the next 7 years were a definite long term episode of the Jerry Springer show. There was violence, cheating, all sorts of fuckery going on. You name it...our episode of Jerry had it. It's like I was hooked by some unseen force into this relationship and couldn't get myself out of it. At first, I didn't even see how fucked up we were together. I was used to stupid shit from my marriage. To me, this was "normal". (Also something else I learned about people in violent relationships...they go from one to another, because that is what they're used to. It's sometimes very hard to break the cycle). Without breaking down every episode of craziness that happened, I'll just say I found myself stuck in a completely loveless relationship, where I took every ounce of shit he had to dish out. He was an alcoholic, (now a recovering one who hasn't had a drink in quite some time, thank God), and he was very free with his hands. I'd been through getting hit on and thought my previous experiences with it were horrible, but I soon found out that what I'd been through before was NOTHING compared to what I'd endure with him. (My ex husband was like a sweet kitten compared to Tony)

I've had my eyebrow split open from flying cordless phones being hurled at me, knives stabbed into the furniture close to some part of my body as I sat on them, and could have lost a baby one time because I didn't even know I was pregnant before that attack. I've been dragged from a vehicle onto a dirt road, and stomped into the ground like he would fight a man. I've been covered in bruises from head to toe, so bad that they far surpassed anything anyone has ever seen on television. Through all this, I stayed. I stayed because somehow, in my own mind, I thought it was my fault. Somehow, I'd come to believe I deserved everything that was happening to me...and most of all, I was scared to death to leave.

(During those years, I had many people tell me how stupid I was. I wasn't stupid at all. I am now, and always have been a quite intelligent human being. I was scared. People who have never experienced domestic violence shouldn't really ever speak on it. Too many people pass judgement when they have no clue what they're talking about. Living like that, it's like being brainwashed. Hell, before it ever happened to me, I was adamant that no one would ever treat me in such a way. Then I found myself trapped in that lifestyle for over 12 years. It's VERY hard to get away from, and SOME people aren't as lucky as I was. Some women, never make it out alive. In that respect, I am quite lucky....and for me, I wouldn't trade the experience. I know that will sound crazy to some.)

I put up with the craziness for about 6 years....until one night, in a drunken rage...he woke up our 3 year old who was asleep down the hall. I went to comfort her and get her back to sleep, and left him standing in the kitchen. Now, in all those years, the kids had never actually SEEN him do a thing to me. This particular night, he came strolling down the hall with a butcher knife in his hand, heading for the bedroom I was in. I saw him, and then I saw that knife, and all I can say is that something inside of me "snapped". (I've had it told to me, that that was the instant my motherly instincts kicked in. I hadn't cared enough to protect myself all those years, but knowing he was about to bring his BS in front of my child was all it took to finally stand up and end the shit from happening ever again). My normal reaction to him would have been to cower, slink away, or run. That ISN'T the reaction he got that night. I had changed completely in that instant. I told him to bring it on. I asked him "wtf he thought he was going to do with that knife". I told him if it made him a man to harm his child's mother right in front of her, then to go right ahead, but to make sure he killed me when he did it. I explained to him that he didn't want to leave me alive in that house that night, because what he found waiting when he came back, would not be good for him. The knife dropped to his side, and a string of expletives rushed forth from his mouth. I bet you he called me every name in the book all at one time that night. He told me I was crazy as fuck (to which I replied, "yep, crazy to have tolerated this shit for all this time") and turned on his heel to go....but not before he mustered up a nice fat ball of spit and phlegm. He stood there hocking that thing up and I knew he intended to spit on me. He turned, and spit right in my face. I wiped it away with the heel of my hand, and asked if he was done. He walked away that night...different than he'd ever been, because he knew at that moment, that I was no longer the person I'd been. He no longer had control, and he KNEW it. We stayed together about a year longer after that (violence free), but it eventually came to an end.

That night was my light at the end of the tunnel. In that moment, I think I realized that things didn't have to be the way that they'd been. In that moment, I realized that NOTHING about the way I'd been living for the last 12 years of my life had been normal. It wasn't okay for a person to treat me that way. It never had been. I decided that I wouldn't ever tolerate it again, and trust me, I haven't. I wouldn't ever advise another man to even attempt to put a finger on me to hurt me. They wouldn't like the outcome for sure. After Tony and I split up, I was still filled with a lot of anger and rage because of the things he'd done during the course of our relationship. To be honest, I actually hated him with a burning passion. It took a long time, years to be exact, but I've forgiven him for the things that happened. Living the way I was, filled with all that hate, was eating away at me from the inside. I couldn't have anything meaningful with someone else because of it. I stayed single for a LONGGGGGG time. It took a lot of time to build up my own self worth, confidence, and trust in other human beings again. Tony and I are currently friends. (I know that sounds insane, but it's true). I wouldn't say we're besties or anything because that would be pushing it. LOL.

He and I created 2 beautiful little girls together, and I'll always be grateful to him for that. Without him, those kiddos wouldn't be here. He's gotten his act together, quit drinking, and actually holding down a steady job. (Hell, he's doing a ton better than I even am at this point. Pfffft!) A lot has changed since I went through all this stuff with him. I am no longer that woman that will put up with anything and everything that gets thrown her way. I won't tolerate being talked down to. I am now A LOT stronger BECAUSE of what I went through with him, so when I say I wouldn't trade a minute of what happened to me....I MEAN IT. It stinks that I had to go through some horrible things to become who I am today, but to me, it's worth it to not be that weakling I used to be.

I may have been through hell, but I look at it this way....I fought with the devil....and I won.

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 15: Live without Love? I think not.....

I'm sure I could live without a "romantic" love relationship, because I've done it before. I'd never be able to survive without other love relationships I've had in my life though. We love so many different people in our lives, and not all of them are romantic. I couldn't live without the love of my children. Luckily, even after being away from them so long, they still love me and have made that quite clear to me. (I thank a higher power for that every single day, by the way.) I don't think I would have made it through some of the roughest patches of my life without the love of some of my closest friends. Some of those people, I've never even met in person. Despite that fact, I'm sure of one thing about them, and that is that they love me unconditionally. It may seem strange to some that a person could have such close bonds with people they've never met. To me it's not strange at all. I've spent a lot of time in the "virtual world" over the years, and met some really kick ass personalities. Just because I can't reach out and touch them, doesn't make them any less of a person to me. We're there for each other when needed. Isn't that what love and friendship is all about?

Sure, it stinks to not have romantic love in one's life, but it IS possible to go without it. I hope that I NEVER have to find out what it's like to live without any kind of love at all. The thought of it is unbearable. My heart aches at the prospect. .......

.......I'd never survive.