I just smiled thinking about him. There was this guy I met on Pogo YEARS ago. His name was Jason. (If my sis Gina reads this, she will know EXACTLY who I am talking about) I don't even remember how I met him on there, or how we first started talking. He was a smartass just like me, and I only hung out in uncensored rooms, so there was probably some crazy conversation happening. All I remember was thinking he was one of the funniest, most real people ever. I'd wait up until the crack of dawn if necessary, just to be able to talk to him for five short minutes. It was worth it. Every second he and I spent talking was worth everything in the world to me.
Jason came along not long after my break up with my ex Tony. Tony was in spit fire mode all the time back then and never really had a nice thing to say about me. He would come online telling everyone what a piece of shit I was, and just treating me like a dog. ( I recall words like bitch, slut and whore. LOL) Jason used to get SO pissed off when Tony would show up and start his drama. He'd drag me into private chat so I wouldn't have to see the conversation taking place out there. I believe he said I'd lived enough of it to last a lifetime, so why continue to have to deal with it, even if only in typed form.
I loved Jason. He was my other half. He made waking up every day a better experience. He gave me something to look forward to. It sucked that I couldn't have him. Jason was married. Even if he hadn't been, Jason lived far away....Wisconsin if I remember correctly. He wasn't at all my type either. I think "long haired rocker guy" is an accurate enough description. He had one of those open kind of relationships with his wife (to each their own, because I wouldn't be sharing him if it had been me. I don't share well. This guy was amazing.) I know how he was with me, so I imagine he was even better to her. He was just a great person. Funny, good personality, talented, hard worker....the list could go on and on for days. The most important thing to me was that he was my friend....and I loved him dearly. My feelings for him had definitely surpassed a "just friends" level, but I didn't say anything about them, because I didn't want to be in the wrong. (Plus, I didn't want the embarrassment of him knowing them and not feeling the same).
One night, he was supposed to be online at a certain time, and never showed. I was of course, worried as hell. He was prompt and on time if nothing else. I think it was about a week and a half later and I got online after work, and had an offline from him on Yahoo messenger saying he really needed to talk to me and it was important. We kept missing each other. One night we finally caught each other and he let me know what had happened. He was on his way to work (the morning of the day he was supposed to meet me online) and as he was driving along, he said his vision faded in an out twice, and then went completely black. He couldn't see anything. He crashed his car. Luckily, he wasn't injured too bad in the actual accident, but there he was, still not able to see a damn thing. When the EMS got to him he was freaking out. He had been to see some doctors during the time he wasn't online. They had found some lesions on his brain. He didn't get too much in-depth that night...just told me the doctors said it wasn't good.
He had cancer. What do you say to that when someone you love tells you they have a disease that there's a high probability could kill them? Well, I'll tell you what I told him. The words "I love you" came out instantly. He just said "Awwww that's sweet." I didn't even pay attention to the fact it had had no effect on him. I just wanted him to know he was loved, and I'd be there for all the moral support I could possibly give him from afar. We spent months and months talking after that. We kind of stopped going into Pogo with each other, preferring to spend the time we had talking one on one. He was on meds, so he got loopy a lot when they started kicking in. He'd sit there chatting and goofing off until he couldn't stay awake anymore. There were times he'd tell me he was feeling so much better...and was all excited he got to smoke weed legally because of his cancer....even had a script for it. That was awesome in his book. I thought his treatments were going well.
One night he came into Pogo when he found I wasn't signed onto yahoo yet. He pulled me into private chat and immediately typed the words "I love you Gina". I just sat there looking at the screen wondering where the heck that had come from. He then said, "I just wanted you to know that's how I felt, before I don't have a chance to tell you." He was silent for a few minutes and then he said, "I'm not going to get better. I can't beat this thing, and I don't want to die not telling you that having you as a part of my life in any form means the world to me." (Insert waterfall of tears here.) I couldn't do anything but cry. I was brokenhearted. I was sad for him, and for me, and for our friendship. He then proceeded to inform me that he'd told his wife that he felt something for me, and that letting her know that had hurt her deeply, and that by hurting her, he was disappointed in himself. He said he was going to stop coming to Pogo, and stop talking to me...that he owed it to her to do so. I didn't argue with him. There was no point in it. He seemed to have made up his mind about it. I didn't think I'd be able to change it. He sat with me online for a couple hours that night, and when he left, I knew I wouldn't be hearing from him again.
Months went by, and I assumed that the worst had already happened. I mourned the loss of the friendship I had with him all by myself...completely internally. One day, I was in a game called Poppitt. I looked up when I saw a flash of red on my screen. (People who are on your friends list show up in red lettering on that site. When they enter the rooms it lets you know) I saw his name on my screen as having entered the room. A few minutes later...."Gina? Are you here?" Naturally, I was taken aback, because I thought he had succumbed to the cancer by then. We immediately started chatting in private. It was like he'd never been gone. He said he'd been doing better and had some hope that things would be okay. We went back to our private yahoo lifestyle lol. Always staying up to the wee hours of the morning talking about everything and nothing. We liked to share music with each other. That was our thing. I'll tell ya, the man had some eclectic music tastes. He liked some of everything. I'd never heard of some of that stuff before. I became a fan of a band called the Dropkick Murphys because of him. I can't remember how long we were talking again that time....weeks...maybe a couple months. We always told each other we loved each other when we'd part ways, and would always be there to talk at the exact time we promised one another.
One night Jason didn't show up again without a word. I waited days, weeks, months to hear from him. NOTHING. I never heard from Jason again. I found myself going into yahoo to pull up our archived conversations and reading them, just to feel like he was there. I lost all those convos when I had to have my computer reformatted after some bad virus problems. I had nothing left of him, but a screen name on my yahoo, and some music files on my computer. It was very sad for me. I didn't know what had happened. I couldn't find out anything, so I let it go. Almost 11 months after our last conversation, a woman came into a chat room I was in. It was a name I didn't recognize, and she asked me if I was Gina. She introduced herself as a friend of Jason's and of his wife's. She told me that Jason's wife had sent her to find me, and she'd been looking for me online for a few months to no avail. I was informed that day that Jason had passed away. He knew he was still sick the last time we'd been talking, and he knew he wasn't getting better. I suppose he just wanted to be able to spend some more time talking before he wasn't able to ever again. I felt like I'd lost a best friend that I'd known my whole life. The lady was really nice, and said that though I wasn't someone their circle of friends actually knew, that Jason's wife wanted me to know, because that was one of Jason's wishes.
If Jason were alive today, there's no way he wouldn't be here talking to me right now. Of that much, I am sure. I know he's up there somewhere looking down on all the people he's ever cared about. I feel blessed to have known him. He was a good man. I wish he'd been able to do all the things he wanted to with his life. He was a young guy....I think 33 when he passed away. Never got the opportunity to become a Dad. It's a shame. I think he would have made an excellent one. He was my "jzman135" (jazman- for some of his musical tastes). His screen names were left on both my Pogo and yahoo friends lists. I want them there as a reminder. I don't ever want to forget that guy. Truly amazing, beautiful souls are few and far between in our lives. His soul will definitely live on forever in MY memory. Wherever you are tonight Jzman 135...know that you were loved, and that you'll forever be missed by so many........
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