What is friendship?

I have been asking myself this question over and over again lately. I actually know what it is, but sometimes I wonder if other people know the definition to the word, or rather if they even really care at all what it's about deep down inside.

friend  (frɛnd)
— n
1.	a person known well to another and regarded with liking,affection, and loyalty; an intimate
2.	an acquaintance or associate
3.	an ally in a fight or cause; supporter
4.	a fellow member of a party, society, etc
5.	a patron or supporter: a friend of the opera
6.	be friends  to be friendly (with)
7.	make friends  to become friendly (with)

Now, don't get me wrong, there HAVE been times in my life when I wasn't always the greatest friend to some people. There are some of those times that I DO, in fact, regret. However, there are also others that I can say with certainty, I don't, and I never will. If I don't regret it then that should signify that the friendships in question weren't worth saving to me. It happens. I think in those certain situations, I was better off without having certain people as friends. For those people, I am glad they are gone and no longer a part of my life. We don't always remain friends with every single person we ever knew.

Then, we have those souls that come along that we meet, and we wonder how we ever made it this  far without these people in our worlds. I DO indeed have some friends like this. I have known some of them most of my life, and then there are some that I haven't known as long, but they are just as important to my life and survival. If I didn't have some of these crazy people in my corner, I honestly don't know what I would do.  I would probably fall into a great depression. (I have been there before too, and that depression crap is for the birds, so I hope I never have to experience that again!) To THOSE people, (and trust me, if they're in THIS category of friend, they already know who they are without me having to mention their names), I love you dearly and I hope you know that your participation in my world is greatly appreciated. You are a treasure to me and my days would be miserable without your loving additions. Always know that no matter where I am, or how far apart we may be....you are now and forever in my heart and soul and I won't ever let you go.

I know some folks that I would do anything in the world for....give them the shirt off my back, my last bite of food, everything I had, if they needed it to survive. If I've got it, these people already know there isn't anything  I would deny them. We give of ourselves to these kind of friends. It doesn't matter what it is. Sometimes all any of us need is for someone to just sit and listen to us let go of some of the things we're carrying around on our shoulders. This life isn't easy and it's nice that we can help one another get through some things with nothing more than a shoulder to lean on, a kind word, or a genuine smile. It took me a long time to realize it but I know how truly blessed I am to have some completely amazing people taking this journey called Life with me. I love knowing that I can call upon them when necessary, and hope they know that they can always do the same!

I adore those that have come to my rescue when I have been in some pretty dire straits. They have lifted me up out of pits of despair, when I thought I might just give up on life and everything. I am sure they had better things to be doing...their own lives to be living, but they took the time to be a ray of light for me in a very dark place. I honestly owe my very life to a few people. You can never know what it means to me to have you in my life.

I've lost hope and faith so many times in life, and it's been a friend that has smiled, wrapped their arms around me and let me know that I'm not alone and I never will be. They have built me back up and gave that hope back to me. Thank you to those people for believing in me.

What I DON'T understand is the people that call you "friend" and when it comes right down to it, they are never there. If you need them, you can never find them. You do all that you can to be there for people and they just turn their back on you, for absolutely no reason. I don't understand that fuckery now, and I swear I never will. I REALLY don't understand where all this unconditional affection and love I have for people comes from either. I can get dogged out by someone, treated like I don't exist, and yet I still care. It's a puzzle to me....one that I don't ever think I will ever be able to solve. The people that call you a friend to your face but won't hang out with you because they worry about what their OTHER friends will think...the people that only call you when they need you...that person that never talks to you...EVER....that person that smiles in your face and then talks about you behind your back. Where do these people come from? Ugh....I'll never "get it".

I guess it's time for me to start reevaluating some of the things in my life. I need to not worry as much about certain things and certain people. I need to stop caring about a lot of things altogether, but I know myself, and unfortunately, that will never happen. I'm too much of an emotional sucker I think.

Thank you for all the awesome times I have had with some of you, whether in person or online. You are just as important to me if we've never met. If I call you friend...that's exactly what I think of you and there are reasons for it. I'm so glad that some of us are always on the same page...walking side by side, smiling, laughing, and joking...on the same street.

Much love always....xoxo....G

Miss Thang

Dear  Miss Thang....


      This is just a personal note to you to let you know  that you are NOT all that. I'm assuming that you think you are just from your behavior, but I assure you, it's not the case. (I am also not alone in this assessment...believe that, for it is fact.) You may have many people snowed, but not me, nor shall you ever have me that way. I have a brain and eyes in my head. I see you.....right through you actually. I know your type and they are a dime a dozen. I pray you get it together real soon, because Karma is a bitch dear....and when she comes around...she's a mean mother fucker.

                                                                    Sincerely,
                                                                                    I'm Smarter Than You


Have a nice life.  ;)

Responsibility and Accountability

So, I've said I have a lot of shit on my mind lately, and that is very true. I have found myself wondering why people do certain things and also about the people in their lives that enable them to do the things they do. I'm not going to get detailed on this one or mention any names, because frankly it will just piss me off even more.

I think we all know those types of people that are constantly screwing up, fucking someone over, doing some dirt. Somehow, some of these people NEVER have to answer for the stuff they do. It's a cycle for them. They don't just do the shit once. It's an over and over again kind of thing. Everyone around them knows they are wrong for it, but people just turn a blind eye to it and carry on as if nothing is wrong. Frankly, I think it makes those side-liners just as responsible for the dirt as the person committing the offense. Am I wrong? Am I crazy?

    I've had people say to me "Oh, so and so has always been like that." So, that tells me that they just accept the dirt as 'how it is' and they keep on trucking. Sorry, but I don't get down like that. I can't just ACCEPT that it's okay to go around jacking shit up and hurting other people. I don't think it's alright to be allowed to do that and never have to answer for it or give a REAL apology for the things done that have hurt someone else.

I have done a lot of wacked out shit in my life but I have made peace with all my past demons and I can say I have learned my lessons and grown from the things that have transpired in my life. I've grown the hell up. It IS a shame it took me as long as it did to realize that some of my decisions weren't the greatest, and I have messed up a lot. I paid dearly for a lot of my indiscretions. I have lost a lot that I won't ever be able to get back. The key was learning from it and knowing that I couldn't travel those roads  anymore.

Some people don't ever get to that point though, do they?  Do we know why? I think so. I think they don't ever change because they aren't REQUIRED to. All the key players in their world just overlook all the foolishness and fuckery. They just react to all the dirt as if it is nothing more than mere normalcy. THEY should be just as accountable. How can they sit there and say they just don't understand why so and so is the way they are? Are you kidding me? YOU help them be that way! It's as if you are standing there with a big sign that says "I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO DO WRONG."  Do you really expect a person to change when most everyone they know acts as if nothing is amiss?

I've waited a long time to see the change in a number of people, and I have finally realized that it is never going to come. I've done the time in certain situations, wondering when the sun would finally shine through the dark clouds overhead. I was hopeful, and filled with faith. I have finally realized that my faith is sadly misplaced a lot. I have wasted a lot of years waiting for changes that were never going to come. I am thoroughly upset with myself right now as I sit here thinking about it.

I have been in situations where I deserved soooooo much more than I was getting and thought that if I just hung in there....just a while longer...I would eventually see my hopes and wants come to fruition. I was wrong. As long as some people have their posse of enablers always close at hand, their worlds will never change. I DO know that one day, the enablers will no longer be there, and those people are going to be left all alone...wondering where everyone went. I will almost feel sorry for them in THAT moment, for it could have all been avoided. So much pain and distress could be completely obliterated if people would just KEEP IT REAL. Whatever happened to that thing called honesty?

I hope for the sake of a few people that I care about that their enablers wake up and realize that they are doing more of a DISSERVICE to these people than helping. Let a person stand on their own two feet for a change. They NEED to be able to do that now....or the future is going to be a rude awakening.

A Decision Made.....Finally

So, I did it. I finally decided to take that next step to go back to school. I wish it hadn't taken me THIS long to do so. However, I guess it's better late than NEVER. I hopped online today and filled out the application for financial aid. That is taken care of. I'll just be waiting on a letter from them to make sure I get approved and can get it. I also went online and started registering at Terra Community College here in Ohio near where I'm living. I honestly feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I have started so many things when it comes to school and never completely finished ANY of them. I originally started at Cape Fear Community College back home in Wilmington, NC right after I got my GED. I decided I wanted to go for Criminal Justice. I took some classes here and there....the basics that ya get started with...and then never finished. I decided to take an advanced, speedy course at UNC-Wilmington to become a paralegal. I completed the ENTIRE duration of the classes. I had ONE exam left to get done...all I had to do was get up with my instructor and get it taken. Did I? Of course not. I found something else at the time to substitute in importance. I attended Miller-Motte Technical College in Wilmington too. I was in the massage therapy program there. I completed the entire 9 months of classes and book stuff. All I had left to do to be a licensed therapist was complete 120 hours of hands on massage in the clinic. I did ONE massage...on my mother and then I decided that following behind my "baby daddy" was much more important than completing my course so I could be making some decent money to support myself with. Oh yes, I am a smart one. LOL. The real shame here is that I AM indeed extremely intelligent. I could run circles around some people with the brain I've got in this head. I don't know what was wrong with me all those years.

That all changes starting now. I'm a 35 year old, divorced mother of four, who hasn't been able to take care of herself, or do for her kids like she should have been doing the last 14 years of her life.  I'm the first to tell ya that I think my kids got the  short end of the stick when they were strapped with me for a mother. However, I also am the first to say that I want my kids to have SOMETHING to be proud of when it comes to me.  It may have taken me forever to get to this point, but I WILL start something, and finish it if it's the LAST thing I do....even if it fucking kills me.  I am going back for computers. I am good with them, on them all the time,so might as well learn how to make a career out of being on them. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate having a job...especially with the way the economy is these days, but I absolutely REFUSE to be that woman working in the freaking Family Dollar for the rest of her life. The living paycheck to paycheck while making next to nothing, has run it's course. There is NO appeal to living like that. If I'm going to have to live paycheck to paycheck, I plan to do it making A LOT more money than I'm making now. I don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of at this point in my life and I can't stand it anymore. I've got absolutely NOTHING to call my own. At least with this decision made, and set in motion, I can get my dignity back.

Wish me luck.

Murphy's Law?

Whatever can go wrong...will. Isn't that the premise behind it. It should be renamed "Gina's Law", because it honestly just seems like the story of my fucking life. I don't know why I keep letting myself get comfortable with my life, or with any given situation. It seems like the exact moment I feel "comfy", is the moment when something just HAS TO go wrong. I don't understand that shit at all. It leaves me feeling upset, pissed off, frustrated. To be honest, it leaves me not trusting myself. I don't know that I can trust myself to make decisions that will affect my own fucking life anymore. I REALLY don't trust other people anymore either. Granted, there ARE a few I do trust completely, but those folks are few and far between.

I consider myself  a good person. I'm pretty sure there's SOME people that would agree with that. I'm honest with everyone....about everything....about who I am,  what I want out of life. I'm BLUNTLY honest to the point it can sometimes hurt a person's feelings, but I'd rather be that way than to lie to spare someone. Trust me, I wasn't always this way. There was a time when I was a little younger that I would lie in a heartbeat if I thought it would benefit me. I had to find out the hard way that lying always does more harm than good. I guess what bothers me, is when the people that have only known the straightforward, blunt, honest Gina...choose to lie to me or keep shit from me. It happens ALL the time, and it sucks in a big way when I have to find out later...after the fact...and from someone else. I'm woman enough to own up to my own shit. Why can't other people do the same thing? Why lie to someone about stuff they are going to find out about anyway? Why make the decision to insult someone's intelligence like that? Don't people realize that in situations like that, NO ONE wins. Someone is bound to come out on the losing end. I can assure you that that person is NEVER AGAIN going to be GINA!

Yes, I'm totally venting. Sometimes I have to do that. I keep seeing shit like this all the time, and it just  really pisses me right the hell off. End rant.

~~ Sweetest Day ~ October 15, 2011

I don't even really know what this day is for lol. I mean, it's sort of like an unofficial Valentine's Day. It's a day to get the person you care about some flowers, a gift, take 'em somewhere special maybe. Hmmmmph, we really should be doing this all year long to begin with. Right? Do we really need specified days on a calendar to treat the people  in our lives with love and respect? Does it really need to be reduced to a commercialized day of the year? For some, I do believe the answer is probably "yes". Kinda sad if you ask me, but really, who the hell am I?

I truly hope that the people I love and care about know that I feel that way, without me having to buy something, or say it every single day to prove it. Don't get me wrong, I'm just like any other girl who loves to get flowers, and be told she's loved. However, I don't need to be told every second, or have gifts delivered to me to know it and feel it inside my heart. I guess I can say I've been blessed with a lot of seriously amazing people in my life over the years. I've been given random gifts on random days, had amazing favors been done for me, been told "I love you Gina" a lot of times in my life.While not every day has dawned smelling like roses, I know that I am a lucky woman to have known the majority of the people in my life.

My "Sweetest Day" started a little early. I came home from work last night and received some beautiful flowers from Jim. I get told "I love you" by him on a daily basis. It has definitely become a routine part of my day. (If I'm being COMPLETELY honest, I'd wonder what was up if I didn't hear it lol) I'd be lying if I said I wasn't always treated with respect by him. It's like he makes it his main objective daily, to make sure I know that I am loved and appreciated. He says I'm his best friend and he doesn't know what he'd do without me. (That's kind of an awesome thing to be told, I must say).  Tonight, he took me out to dinner. It was kinda nice just to get out of the house, sit and talk (not necessarily in peace and quiet lol) and just "hang out" together. Everybody needs a break from every day life, and it was nice to get one. Thank you Jim for being an awesome guy. You don't do it because you have to, or because you think it's what someone wants. You just do it because it's who you are....well, to me anyway. I am truly blessed to have you in my life, and I love you and adore you.

I hope that everyone had an amazing day today. I just hope that people make it a habit to be loving EVERY day and not just the ones designated for us on a calendar. We're all human beings and need more than just a couple annual shows of affection to survive. Make a point to let the people in your lives know they are appreciated as often as you can. A hug, a smile, blow someone a kiss, or say "I love you". Those things come back to us tenfold, and a lot of times, they come just at the times we are needing them most.

xoxoxo ~~ Gina ~~

~~ Beautiful Soul ~~

My dear sweet friend...you are such a beautiful soul.  I know that at certain times in our lives, we go through things that may make us feel like less than we are. I've been there. I think all of us have. I've listened to you tell me how you feel about recent events and changes in your life. I find myself wishing there was more I could do to be there for you. It's hard for me, knowing there's nothing I can do to make your pain go away. My heart aches for you like you wouldn't imagine. I see myself in your situation because I've experienced many of the same things. I've basically been you...I've felt the pain, the loss...trust me when I say that I've cried the tears.

      I don't think you even realize how strong you really are my dear. So many people have been in this place, slipped into deep depressions that they can't ever seem to pull themselves out of. They lose themselves and can't find themselves again. Yes, you are feeling the loss, hurt, depression, but, you are still here. You still force yourself to smile and face each new day. You pull it together on a daily basis, because you know you HAVE to. You have a couple people that depend on you for normalcy, and you do your level best to keep their little lives on an even keel. You do that for yourself, as much as you do it for them. Some people can't hold it together for anyone, but you are proving everyday that you CAN do it. I am so proud of you.

     I know that we haven't known each other forever, but you are a friend who I treasure so much. I see you for who you are. I just want you to know that. I can see straight into the heart of you when we talk, and what I see there, other people should be so lucky to have. You have the kindest and gentlest nature. You are a loyal friend. You are a genuinely sweet, good-natured human being and not everyone can say that. With you, what we see is what we get. You don't try to be something else to impress others. You just come at people with who you are. I'm here to tell you that anyone who thinks that isn't good enough, is a fool. I want you to stop selling yourself short and look deep inside. Look in that mirror everyday and tell yourself what an amazing person you are. You deserve to have the world sitting in the palm of your hand. You just have to find the faith  to get out there again and TAKE what you deserve.

       Thank you for being a part of my world...no matter how big or small. I want you to know that you make me smile, and that I feel the world is a better place because you're in it. You need to know that you are loved and I'm here to tell you that you ARE....by way more people than just me. You create a spark and a smile for a lot of us on a daily basis. When you are not around, you are missed. Believe in yourself the way I do my dear. I am here for you always. Never forget that.  ;)

A Tight Situation!

    Sometimes funny memories are the most special way to remember a beloved spouse. It helps take away some of the feeling of loss. Before he passed away, my husband loved to share this story with our friends. Now, it makes me smile to share this story with you.
    Our neighbor's son was getting married in 1971 at an out-of-town Catholic church, and my husband and I were invited. We immediately rushed out to the local department store, and I bought a nice pink linen dress with a jacket and all those cute dyed-to-match accessories. The dress was a little tight, but I had a month before the June 30 wedding and I would lose a few pounds.
    June 29 came and, of course, I had not lost a single pound; in fact, I had gained two. But, I figured a nice new girdle would cure everything. So on our way out of the city, we stopped once again at the store. I ran in and told the clerk I needed a size large panty girdle.
    The clerk found the box with the described girdle, marked "LG," and asked if I would like to try it on. "Oh, no, a large will fit just right. I won't need to try it on."
    The next morning was one of those ninety-degree days, so I waited to get dressed until about forty-five minutes before time to go. I popped open the girdle box only to find a new, $49.95 satin-paneled girdle in a size small. Since it was too late to find another one and the dress wouldn't fit right without a girdle, a fight broke out in the hotel room between me and the girdle. Have you ever tried to shake twenty pounds of potatoes into a five-pound sack? Finally, my husband, laughing like crazy, got ahold of each side and shook me down into it. Once snug in my girdle, I put on all of the pink accessories, which did not go very well with my purple face, and I was ready to go.
    All the way to the church my husband kept asking, "Are you alright? You look funny!" Then he would laugh. Men just do not appreciate what women go through to look good!
    As we eased into the pew at the church, he asked if I could make it. Now, he was getting worried because I was breathing funny. I told him that I would be fine. Since we are Southern Baptist, and one of our wedding ceremonies takes thirty minutes or less, I assumed that this ceremony wouldn't last very long.
    Seated in the pew with us were two little old ladies, who politely introduced themselves. Then, one of them said, "Isn't it just lovely, they are having a high mass."
    "Oh, yes, lovely," I said, then turned to my husband and asked, "What is a high mass?" He shrugged his shoulders.
    Unfortunately, I learned that this particular mass would last one hour, twenty-two minutes and eight-and-one-half seconds ~~ the priest blessed everything except my girdle!
    Over on the left side of the church, the bride's mother was crying and over on our side, I was crying. One of the little old ladies elbowed the other and said, "Oh, look, she's so touched."
    They were right ~~ I have never been so touched in my life!! My ankles were swelling, my knees were blue and my thighs had lost all feeling. My husband was fanning me with my pink accessories, asking questions and trying to comfort me.
    As soon as the priest pronounced them married, and the wedding part made their way back up the aisle to exit the church, I bolted into position as the fifth "bridesmaid" with my husband right behind me, still asking me questions : "Are you ok?" "Can I help?" "Can you breathe?"
        "Please, just get me out of here!" I gasped.
    We hop-danced to our car across the parking lot, and once there he opened the front and back passenger doors against the next car. Right there, before God, mankind and the wedding party, I squeezed my bruised and battered body out of that girdle! Then, to my horror just as I lifted my foot to pull the elastic torture chamber off my body once and for all, the dumb girdle catapulted out of my hand and landed under the car next to ours. My husband was laughing so hard, he couldn't even bend over to try and retrieve it, and I was too miserable to care. So we just drove away.

    Over the years, he and I often wondered what the parishioners of that fancy uptown church thought the next morning when they found an overly stretched $49.95 satin-paneled, size small girdle in their parking lot.         

                                                                                  ~~ Barbara D. Starkey ~~

(Hahahahaha)

I'll See You In My Dreams

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life :  The word is "love". ~~ Sophocles ~~


Every night, by the time you climb into bed, the day has generally taken such a bite out of both of you that the chances of feeling loving and affectionate can be pretty remote. To combat this, my wife and I have a rule :
       No discussing "Things We Have To Do" or "Unpleasant Business" once we get into bed. Unless it's really important. Or you meant to say it before and didn't get a chance. Or you just feel like saying it for no real reason. ( We're nothing if not flexible.)
       Originally the plan was, no discussion of unplesantries ~while getting ready for bed~, but that's too hard. There's something about putting a toothbrush in your mouth that makes people want to talk.
        Consequently, even the most important exchanges take place between rinsing and spitting.
        "I saw that doctor today..." Spit.
        " Yeah?" Swish, swish, spit.
        " Yeah." Little spit. "He said it's nothing." Big spit.
        " Well, I say" ~~ little dribble ~~ "we get a second opinion."
Gargle, gargle, cchhwip, pttooey.
        ( Incidentally, Cchhwip Pttoey is not only the sound of someone spitting; but interestingly enough, the Minister of the Interior of Sri Lanka.)
         Every night, you brush and talk and spit and catch up, racing to beat that Conversation Curfew.
         See, you don't want to drag the world into bed with you, because there's enough going on there already. Beds are complex, multipurpose arenas, and it's important that the two parties specify which activity they're undertaking.
        "Are we talking, or are we reading?"
        " Are we sleeping, or are we fooling around?"
        You have to clarify.
        " Are we not talking because we're mad, or because we both just don't feel like talking?"
        " Are we thinking 'ambitious' fooling around, or 'let's just do what we've got to do, and not kill ourselves'?"
        The good thing is, when you're together forever, there's less pressure to make any given night magical. You always know you have another shot tomorrow. And the next night.
        That's the whole beauty of Forever ~~ nothing but tomorrows.
        Of course, if you cash in the Tomorrow Chip too often, you break the bank. One day you roll over, notice each other, and say, "Hey, we used to do something here involving rubbing and touching ~~ any idea what it was? No recollection at all? Hmm... I know I enjoyed it, I remember that."
        So you negotiate, you clarify, and settle in. You find your position, you fix your pillows, and arrange your mutual blanket.
        That blanket, essentially, IS your relationship : one big cover concealing the fact that two people are inside, squirmming around each other trying to get comfortable.
        How you handle that blanket is crucial.
        Sometimes I wake up and have NO blanket. There's nothing there to handle. The woman of my dreams, who is sleeping very cozily, has somehow accumulated the bulk of WHAT'S AT LEAST HALF MINE.
        I tug at it gingerly. She stirs, and seemingly unaware, she tightens her grasp and rolls farther away, taking with her another good foot and a half of blanket. I watch her and calculate my options. I decide it's not worth waking her up or being spiteful, so I try to make do without.
        I stare at the ceiling and count the little paint bumps, hoping I can bore myself back to sleep. Within seconds, my brain comes up with five different parts of the house that need painting and fixing, and then I think about how the guy at that hardware store who was so helpful doesn't work there anymore and how the new guy is really unctuous, and I should probably find someplace else. It's 2:35 in the morning, and I'm looking for new hardware stores.
       Now I'm more irritated and much more awake. I look over and see my bride dreaming blissfully, secure, cradled and warmed by what is now over 90 percent of the blanket. Despite my affection, I resent her deeply.
       I sit up. I look at her. I watch her sleep. I think to myself, "How can this be? After all the negotiating and maneuvering and tap dancing we've done, how is it that this person, who, by my own initiative, will be placing her head twelve inches away from MY head for the rest of my life, is getting such a better end of the bargain? It just doesn't seem right. Will we never get better at this? Must one of us always be less content than the other?"
       I pull up the pathetically small segment of blanket left available to me and scoot up next to the woman of my dreams, partly because I hope that her sleep will rub off on me, and partly because I figure she's got to be warmer than I am.
       And as I hold her close against me, it dawns on me : NOW I remember. THIS is why we go through all of THAT. Because holding The One Who Fits in your arms simply feels this good, and nothing else really does. And to earn THIS, you must swat away all that stands in its way.
       At this point, my wife senses I'm staring at her and opens one eye.
       "What," she says.
       I say, "What do you mean 'what'?"
       "What are you doing?"
       " Nothing."
       " What are you looking at me for?"
       " I wasn't looking....I was just thinking....are you really going to be right there every night?"
       " Yes."
       " Forever?"
       " Mmhmm."
       " You're saying, that of all the people in the world, the one whom you will donate your Naked Self, night after night, is ME?"
       " Uh-huh."
        If I let it go there, it would have been a nice moment.
       " And the reason would be what ~~ because I'm THAT appealing?"
       Now she opens both eyes, props herself up on her elbow, and before she can say anything, I say, "I went too far, I see that now. You just go back to sleep and I'll say nothing."
       She slides towards me, and we find homes for our arms and legs. Before long, we're sleeping.
       And in the morning, the dance continues.


~~ Paul Reiser~~

Fifty Ways To Love Your Partner

1. Love yourself first.
2. Start each day with a hug.
3. Serve breakfast in bed.
4. Say "I love you" every time you part ways.
5. Compliment freely and often.
6. Appreciate ~~ and celebrate ~~ your differences.
7. Live each day as if it's your last.
8. Write unexpected love letters.
9. Plant a seed together and nurture it to maturity.
10. Go on a date once a week.
11. Send flowers for no reason.
12. Accept and love each others' family and friends.
13. Make little signs that say "I love you" and post them all over the house.
14. Stop and smell the roses.
15. Kiss unexpectedly.
16. Seek out beautiful sunsets together.
17. Apologize sincerely.
18. Be forgiving.
19. Remember the day you fell in love ~~ and recreate it.
20. Hold hands.
21. Say "I love you" with your eyes.
22. Let her cry in your arms.
23. Tell him you understand.
24. Drink toasts of love and commitment.
25. Do something arousing.
26. Let her give you directions when you're lost.
27. Laugh at his jokes.
28. Appreciate her inner beauty.
29. Do the other person's chores for a day.
30. Encourage wonderful dreams.
31. Commit a public display of affection.
32. Give loving massages with no strings attached.
33. Start a love journal and record special moments.
34. Calm each others' fears.
35. Walk barefoot on the beach together.
36. Ask her to marry you again.
37. Say yes.
38. Respect each other.
39. Be your partner's biggest fan.
40. Give the love your partner wants to receive.
41. Give the love you want to receive.
42. Show interest in the other's work.
43. Work on a project together.
44. Build a fort with blankets.
45. Swing as high as you can on a swingset by moonlight.
46. Have a picnic indoors on a rainy day.
47. Never go to bed mad.
48. Put your partner first in your prayers.
49. Kiss each other goodnight.
50. Sleep like spoons.


~~~ Author Unknown ~~~

Where I'm At.....

 I can't say that I'm "gloriously happy" with my life or anything like that, but I am quite content. I'm not feeling stressed out every day wondering where the next meal will come from, or how I will afford cigarettes (which keep my stress level down a bit and keep me from going on a murderous rampage lol).

        I suppose I should back up just a tad. In November of last year, I was the happiest I have been in a long time. While I was giving up everything I'd known the prior three years; my job, my apartment, my few friends there in Belleville, IL...I was excited and embarking on a new chapter in my life. I was so sure of myself, and knew in my heart and soul that the decisions I was making were finally right for me for the first time in a lot of years. I walked away from all that to be with someone who made me wanna get up every morning. I didn't blink an eye when I gave it all up. I knew it was right. Fast forward to three months later, and I'm spending a lot of time by myself in a new town, crying, jobless, boyfriendless, and wondering what the hell is going to happen to me and my life. I was BEYOND miserable. My heart was broken, and breaking repeatedly on a daily basis. I lost almost 30 pounds in about 3 weeks. Then I was left to figure out where to go from there. I ended up shacking up with my son's father (my ex husband) for about a month and a half. Now, while I wasn't "miserable" being around my ex, I felt so out of place and the living situation was just so weird to me. Funny how you can be married to someone for 5 years, share a child with them, and then find it feeling so very foreign to be sharing a living space with them again. That's how it was for me though. I couldn't find a job there, and though staying in a place that was at least closer to two of the kids was what I wanted, I needed to be able to find work, and that meant finding somewhere else to go.


        I ended up going to South Carolina. Of course, I knew ahead of time that the person I'd be living with wanted to be in a relationship with me. I wasn't ready for that title again though. He knew it too, but assured me it wasn't something I'd have to worry about. I guess I should have been smarter about it. I should have known that living in the same space and being that intimately involved with someone would eventually lead to more pushing for what they wanted to begin with. I suppose I DID know that, but I just desperately wanted to be somewhere where I wasn't feeling stressed, or weird, or pressured. I thought that I'd have that kind of environment in S.C. in that situation. I was wrong. I couldn't find work, despite all the applications I'd filled out. While he was good to me, and there wasn't any fighting...there was always that need for that "coveted title" hanging over my head. Even when it wasn't being spoken about, it was there, like a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode. Eventually, that's what happened. The situation being what it was, wasn't enough. It never would have been...not for him. He needed more, and I just wasn't willing or able to give that "more". Looking back on it, I have found myself sometimes questioning if my inability to give that makes me a bad person. I'm sure some people might think it does. However, I have to be able to live with myself. I can't just give something to a person because it's what THEY need. I should put myself in that situation just to appease others? I can't do that, so in the end, I am left looking like the bad guy. I am eventually subjected to name calling and attempts to tarnish who I am as a person. It's okay though. I have been called a lot in my life, and I'm sure there will be more.

       I find myself in Ohio 4 months after leaving Illinois. I'm close to being back in the same area I started out at in March. I didn't see this one coming, but when I decided that leaving S.C. was a necessity, an option to come here was presented to me. I wasn't going to be thrust into the environment of a stranger. I'd known Jim about 3 years, (online that is) and he was far from a stranger to me. Even though the decision to leave South Carolina was MINE, I was hurt by the need to do so, and scared to death about having to start over somewhere new, AGAIN.  I WAS miserable on that bus ride to Ohio. It had nothing to do with anyone but me. I found myself watching all these towns go by...again...and it just made me sick when I thought about the fact that my move to Jacksonville, IL was SUPPOSED TO BE my very LAST one. I never intended to go anywhere else. I wanted to get my shit together...find work...try to go back to school, and figure out scheduling to be able to see my kids as much as possible. Yet, here I was, on my way back to the middle of the country to start all over again. Yay me.  =\

      Sooooooo, I make it to Ohio. I got here right towards the end of July. Haha...I really can't remember the exact date. I sat around in here for about a week. I pretty much stayed to myself in the room. LOL. I know some people would find it hard to imagine....ME, being holed up in a room, too shy to talk to anyone. I am that way though. It takes me a minute to warm up to people in person sometimes. I eventually started coming out into the kitchen to sit and talk with Jim's mother while he was at work. Turned out she was really easy to talk to, and thankfully didn't tell me to shut the fuck up because I talk to much!  =)
It really only took me about a week and a half to find a job once I started looking. That was awesome too, and a blessing. I've essentially been out of work since November of last year. It was getting really fucking old...depending on other people, and not being able to help out with anything financially. Some people got to hear about the drama I was dealing with trying to find work through a temp agency (those places should be outlawed because they are GAY...just sayin'). It was a total relief to know I'd have a regular job and wouldn't have to deal with any staffing company. Granted, I'm not making a lot of money working at this Family Dollar, but I will finally be able to pay my own cell phone bill again, and start paying back some people I owe for the help they've been giving me since I've been in this shitty unemployed period. Hell, if it wasn't for my friend Buzz in Illinois, I'd have had no phone. He's been paying it for months. Shit, he even covered the bill when the person I shared the contract with decided to switch companies, and left me stranded with about $200 worth of bill that belonged to them. I'll finally be able to start paying him back now. Thank Gawd! (I detest being broke and helpless. It made me feel like a complete fucking loser, and I'm NO loser dammit.)

       Jim has been a source of comfort to me since I've been here. He actually started being a source of comfort before I ever left S.C. to be honest. He just tried to tell me as much as possible that I'd get the situation figured out, would make the decision I felt was best for me, and not to worry about anything else.  Jim has been interested in me since 3 years ago when we first met. That made me so wary about this option to move to Ohio. I didn't want to be in the same position as I was in S.C..  Choosing to go to S.C. cost me some things that were very important to me. First, it cost me my "relationship" with Mark because he felt it was a mistake to go (and I might add he was right) and then it ended up costing me my friendship with Jason. I was close to Jason. He was one of my best friends. I trusted him, could talk to him, and was promised our friendship would always be safe. It wasn't. We don't talk anymore, and that's a painful thing to deal with in some ways. I guess mainly because it appears our friendship wasn't that strong after all. That's never a realization people enjoy. So there I sat, wondering if this move was gonna be another one of my "not so bright" ideas.  So far, so good. While I know exactly what end result is "desired" by Jim, he also doesn't push me at all. He HAS questioned me a couple times about it, but knows that I have my reasons for not wanting that title. I hate that once again, I'm in a situation where someone wants something from me that I honestly don't have to give when they want it. I just keep holding onto the fact that I've been completely honest about what's in my mind and in my heart. Do I love and care about Jim? Yup, sure do....always have really. If there hadn't been some lies told years ago, we might have actually ended up together awhile back. That didn't happen...but such is life. You can't turn back the clock and change the mistakes you make in life and have a "do over". If ya could, we'd all be changing a lot of shit I'm sure. I've long since learned to stop doing the "what ifs". You can't live life wondering what would have happened if you'd done things differently in the past. Living like that will cause you to miss things happening in the present.

         I'm trying really hard not to close my mind to the possibilities of good things happening in my life. People who actually know me, know that I try to stay as upbeat as possible (which is one hell of a feat all by itself considering some of the shit I've endured in life).  I have hope, and I have learned that hope is one hell of a seriously powerful force. It has kept me from shutting myself off from everyone and every thing. I could have done that long ago. As long as I have that hope and faith in me...even the slightest little sliver of it...I think I might be okay. If I didn't have that, I might be totally alone right now. Let's be honest...no one wants that. I don't anyway. I just hope that one of these days I'll figure out what I'm doing here...what I want out of life, and who is the perfect person to share this thing called life with me. I can dream, right?  <3

So Close

Safety and love
-- the things you offered to me
I fell into that relaxed feeling
     thinking there would be no worries....
             not with you
So many nights spent up late talking
      Promises made
              I believed
New surroundings
       Scared and wary
.......but happy
              to be with you
Then comes the pushing
        the expecting
               the confusion
Realization
         that me, just as me,
                is never really good enough
A saddened heart
          filled with the knowledge
                 of things........
           that will never be.



August 18, 2011
12:00 a.m.
Gina F. Canty

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 18 : Love knows no real boundaries...."I kissed a girl, and I liked it"!

My opinion on gay marriage? That's an easy one, for sure. LET IT BE! Who in the world should have the right to tell any two other people that they can't be together? Umm, that would be NO ONE, and especially NOT the government. Love is love, and it doesn't matter who is feeling it. or it SHOULDN'T matter anyway. I have NEVER had a problem with gay people, them being together, or them wanting to make their love official and get married. Us straight folks are allowed to marry whoever we damn well choose, so why the hell shouldn't they be able to?

My opinions on it are even stronger now, because my 14 year old daughter has "come out" and let people know that she is "BI". Who's to say that one day she won't choose a woman to share her life with? I don't want her to ever be told that it's wrong for her to be in love, just because it's with someone of the same gender. She is an amazing girl, and no matter who she chooses to share her life with one day, she should be allowed to make it official in the eyes of the law.

I've known A LOT of gay people in my 35 years on this earth and I'm here to tell ya, if I could have nothing but gay friends, that would be seriously awesome. They have been some of the most amazing characters I've ever run across. I've known some that didn't want anyone to know they were gay, and I've known some that were so flagrant in their gayness that it left nothing to the imagination. (LOL, naturally, those were my favorite gay friends!) It's not a choice to be gay. Who in the hell would CHOOSE to subject themselves to constant ridicule and attack for being that way? That's right....NO ONE would. Need someone to blame for it?.....

It's not a personal lifestyle choice people! You're born that way. Some people are just really good at hiding it sometimes. However, eventually, they come out and finally feel better about being honest with themselves and everyone else. I KNEW my child was different a LONG time ago. SHE knew it a long time ago. I just waited for her to tell me when she was ready to. One day, if she so chooses, she better have the right to marry whoever the hell she pleases. Straight people aren't the only ones that should have that right.


*Sigh*

 

P.S. By the way, I really DID kiss a girl once...and I DID like it. *smirks*

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 17 : Ever read a book that changed your views on something?

I absolutely love to read and I always have. I used to use books as a great form of escape when I was a kid. I've been sitting here thinking about whether or not I've ever read a book that has honestly made me change my views on something. I cannot think of one for the life of me. I read a lot of fiction books, the occasional biography perhaps, but nothing that would cause my views on anything to alter. (Nothing that I can recall anyway).
The only thing I can think of that comes even REMOTELY close to this topic is having read  a book series that made me seriously never want to read anything from that author again. LOL. That series would be the Dark Tower series by Stephen King. I got completely engrossed in that series. I read straight through all the books, hurrying to get to the end. I was so excited to reach the last few pages of that last book. Man, I have never been so pissed off in my entire life when reading something. I KNEW before reading that last book that something "scream worthy" happened at the end. My roommate had been reading each book before she handed them over to me. She had finished the last book the night before I read it. (Yes, I read the whole damn book in less than 24 hours LOL) The fact that other people that might not have read this series, might happen across this entry is the ONLY reason I do not mention what happened at the end. All I DO know is that the ending made me want to drive all the way up north to find Stephen King and....

That is all.

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 16 : Sweet Jeebus! Fucktards! They're Everywhere!

Amen.

Fucktards, I tell ya, they're everywhere you look anymore. You can't step out of your front door without the possibility of running into one. Unfortunately for some people, they even have to LIVE with fucktards. (I feel sorry for THOSE poor souls). Yes, I do have a penchant for coming across this type of person very easily. My fucktard radar picks them up like nobody's business. I do tend to enjoy toying with them a lot too, but to be quite honest, they're a nuisance and I could seriously do without them!


We all run across many different types of fucktards in our daily lives. (Someone should really market a "Tard-B-Gone" spray to repel these bastards. Get on it people!)  Let us identify just a few types for shits and giggles. How about it? Alrighty, onward we go!

THE "KNOW IT ALL" FUCKTARD :
-- These people are the ones that no matter what you might be talking about, they know everything about it. The things they are spouting can often "sound:" factual but usually aren't. If you are a rather "learned" type, you will probably know right away that what these tards are saying is completely bogus. For those that aren't quite sure, but have their doubts about the "know-it-all's" information; you can usually do some minimal fact checking to reveal these people are indeed nothing more than clever bullshit artists.

 

THE "ALWAYS HAS A BETTER STORY THAN YOU" FUCKTARD :

-- This is the type of tardo, that while you're in the middle of a story about something that happened to you, will JUMP IN and interrupt you to tell a story about how the same thing happened to them...only BETTER. C'mon, we ALL know this type of person. I used to work with one back in my days at good 'ol Rosewood Care Center in Swansea, IL. It didn't matter who was talking, she would interject in the middle of their repertoire, to let everyone know how the exact same thing went down in her life and was SO much more awesome than what we were already hearing. (We all had the urge to beat her over the head with a cinder block, I assure you!).

Please talk to the hand, stupid bitch. *sigh*

THE "ILLITERATE" FUCKTARD :

-- For the purposes of this entry, I am grouping all the forms of this fucktard that I know, TOGETHER. These would be the ones that can't spell worth a fuck, constantly use screwed up punctuation or NO punctuation at all, the ones who can't understand plain English to save their lives, the poor grammar bitches, and the ones who use computer or texting abbreviations ALL the time, for EVERY thing. These people are my FAVORITE to pick on, for while I am no brilliant scholar or genius myself, I CAN manage to put together coherent sentences so that the masses can understand me. I have MANY friends who hate this group of fucktards as much as I do. We have many hours of laughs at their expense, and also a few headaches from having to read that sort of fuckery. *pukes*

THE "I'M THE SHIT!" FUCKTARD :

--You can find this fucktard anywhere naturally, but I tend to run across this type of person online more than most other places. I've also come to find that it is usually younger people. This form of maggot comes in both the male and female variety, and for some reason they are under the impression that the entire world revolves around them. This type was found A LOT back in high school and was known to me as the "preppy" crowd. They think they are better than everyone else in every possible way....better looking, cooler friends, hotter cars, you name it, they think everything about them is all that and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. I ALMOST feel sorry for this group of dumbasses, because they haven't figured out that all that beauty will eventually fade, and they'll be left with nothing but their stank ass personalities to get by on. Damn, THAT'S gonna be a rough eye opener, eh? Yes, you guys, you ARE the shit....and what do we do to shit?......

*closing lid*

These are really just a FEW of the types of tardolicious people out there. I'm sure with more time, I could come up with a list that would keep us all busy for YEARS.  No matter what form we find them in, they are nothing more than a hindrance to what might otherwise be a peaceful, rather awesome fucking day. We could ALL do without these little puke stains in our life. It's a shame that we'll never know what it's like without them though. It's official folks, they're here to stay. We might as well enjoy fucking with the little douche canoes while we can!!!  ;)

Get out there and support your fellow intelligent man! Bust a fucktard in the head today!

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 15 : Gimme A Smoke Or I Choke Out Lil Johnny!!!

Hands down, the one thing I've tried (REPEATEDLY) to live without and failed miserably at, is my smokes. There's a couple people who have seen me go without for long periods of time, and I'm not gonna lie....it just gets UGLY.  I know a lot of people probably think I just don't WANT to go without them. That would be "partly" true, because honestly, I LOVE smoking. However, cigarettes are just as addictive as some of the drugs out there. Granted it's not crack or heroin...but that nicotine will get ya! It will grab ahold of ya and not let go.

My ex's 17 year old cousin was living with me after he and I split up. That poor child came home from high school one day to find me rocking back and forth on the couch like an autistic child might rock back and forth. She took one look at me and KNEW what was wrong. She pretty much told me right then, she had NO earthly intention of spending the night in the same house with me if I was out of cigarettes. LOL. She grabbed some clothes and said she was going to stay at her little friend's house that night. I can't actually remember how long I'd been without one at that point, but I was pretty much at freaking out level.

Everyone has their vices...the things they just can't deal without. Smoking calms me. Call me crazy, but it honestly does. If I'm going through something really stressful, the odds are you will see me with a smoke in my face. If I'm stressed, and you DON'T see a smoke in my hand or between my lips, then it's probably best for you to steer clear of me. The last couple of days I haven't been feeling the greatest and there's a lot of things popping up that are causing me a SIGNIFICANT amount of stress and worry. My attitude today has been a bit worse than normal, so those intelligent people won't find it hard to figure out why.

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 14 : "Dear Dad, You used to be my hero..." (A hero that has let you down. Write a letter.)

The beginning...

Dear Dad,

Do you remember the day you and Mom brought me home? I don't remember it at all. I was far too small to remember it. Was it a joyous day for you? I've been told it was, but I really wonder what you were thinking in your own mind at the time. My memories pick up at a point where I thought there was nothing greater in the world than you. I can't really recall specifics, but I do know I thought there was nothing that could top MY Daddy. I remember you holding my hand at specific points over the years, and sitting on your lap, and you smiling at me. I remember being "Daddy's girl".

What did you do in school today, honey?

I'm pretty sure I can recall being walked to and from the bus many times by you and Mom. I remember sitting at the kitchen table eating snacks while you asked me how my day was. I can almost feel my hair being ruffled numerous times while you stood beside me, and smiled down at me. Do you remember any of this Dad? Has any of the past stayed with you in your mind...any of the good stuff, that is?

Hold on, kiddo! Don't let go!

 Do you remember ANY of the fun things we did together as a family? Do you remember when I was your "little girl", and even when I'd done wrong, you still loved me? I DO remember those days. Surprisingly, writing this letter to you makes me feel like those days were yesterday. That's how clearly I can see the past in my mind. I'm betting the past isn't so clear for you.

What happened to us? Was it me learning that I had my own mind, and opting to use it? Was it me choosing to be who I am., regardless of how you felt? Was it me making mistakes along the way, that you think you never would have made? Or was it just simply me growing up and not following behind you and your set of rules anymore?  Me changing and growing up didn't mean I didn't love you anymore, Dad. It just meant I wasn't a small child anymore. I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do...grow, make mistakes, learn from them...make more mistakes. That is what life is about!

Life happens, but people still love their families, right? Well, why don't you? Why is it that who I am isn't acceptable to you? What happened to unconditional love? What happened to loving your children no matter what? I know I haven't been the perfect child, and I'll be the FIRST to admit that. Why then is it that you'll never admit to being less than the perfect Dad? I've waited years for apologies for hurtful words said, and those apologies never come. I know now at 35, that I'm NEVER going to hear them. You don't think you're in the wrong...for anything. That's a shame, Dad. There was a time I saw you as my knight in shining armor...the one who would always be there to save me if something went wrong. I know now that certain fairy tales don't exist. The days of you coming to my rescue are LONG gone.

P.S. Did you ever know that you WERE my hero? You let me down a long time ago. I learned a lot from you though. I'll never turn my back when my kids come to me in need. I'll never act like they don't exist just because their choices aren't ones I would make for myself. I won't ever let them hear that they wouldn't be here if I'd known how they'd turn out. I will love them...because they are MY kids. I will accept them because I love them and they are MY kids. I will give to them my love unconditionally, because that's how it's supposed to be. They didn't ask to be here, and neither did I Dad.

You're my Dad, and I love you. I always will. I'm sorry that loving YOUR child became so much more of a chore, than just a simple emotion.

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 13 : "Dearest Adele"....(A band or artist that's gotten you through some tough days. Write them a letter.

Dearest Adele,

Where to start? Your music was introduced to me at a time in my life that couldn't have been more perfect. I found that I could see myself in the lyrics of almost every song of yours I listened to. It's almost like I could have written them myself just from the things that were going on in my life at the time. I identify with all of them...the songs about being in love...the songs about breaking up and the heartache....the songs about picking yourself up and moving on. I'm quite sure there are millions of other women that feel the same way I do too about your music. I just wanted you to know that your words have reached into the very depths of my soul at times and comforted me in ways that other things weren't able to. I believe you to be a role model to a lot of females out there for many reasons. In my case, after some very rough happenings in my life, your music made me feel empowered again. I wish there were more amazingly talented women out there like you whose music I could identify with so completely. You are such a gift! ♥

Always a fan.....
Gina

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 21: Venice...The Romantic Location of my Dreams!

I've been that romantic day dreamer ever since I was a kid. I think that's a normal behavior for young girls. My daydreaming has definitely spilled over into adulthood. I'm always thinking of the fairytale endings despite the things I go through. I figure one day, that man that I've been dreaming about since I was a child, will eventually show up and sweep me off my feet. We'll venture off to the most romantic destination and life will be perfect. Haha, it's a nice dream, isn't it? *Sigh* Maybe one day....

Italy. I've already been there as a child, and I know I wasn't old enough to appreciate the sheer beauty that surrounded me at the time. My mother is Italian, and we had gone to visit my grandparents. My ideal romantic location would be Venice, Italy. I think that in reality, any location can be made romantic if you're with the one you love. However, something about the small streets, quaint sidewalk cafes, narrow waterways..it draws me in. It all speaks to me of "closeness", and what's more romantic than just being close to the one who has your heart?

 *Huge sigh* A gondola ride while the sun sets? Hello? That SCREAMS romantic! Nothing greater than being snuggled up with your special someone, smooching and talking, with the waves rocking you. Okay, I just drifted somewhere else in my mind with this picture. *Double sigh*

It's my goal in life to make it back to Italy now that I'm an adult. I couldn't appreciate anything as a 10 year old. The 35 year old I am now, would be in awe of everything I saw there. It IS a beautiful place...the culture, the architecture...everything. Mark my words, one fine day...Gina is going to be posting pics of herself...kicked back in a gondola with a cheesy grin on her face!  ;)