~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 14 : "Dear Dad, You used to be my hero..." (A hero that has let you down. Write a letter.)

The beginning...

Dear Dad,

Do you remember the day you and Mom brought me home? I don't remember it at all. I was far too small to remember it. Was it a joyous day for you? I've been told it was, but I really wonder what you were thinking in your own mind at the time. My memories pick up at a point where I thought there was nothing greater in the world than you. I can't really recall specifics, but I do know I thought there was nothing that could top MY Daddy. I remember you holding my hand at specific points over the years, and sitting on your lap, and you smiling at me. I remember being "Daddy's girl".

What did you do in school today, honey?

I'm pretty sure I can recall being walked to and from the bus many times by you and Mom. I remember sitting at the kitchen table eating snacks while you asked me how my day was. I can almost feel my hair being ruffled numerous times while you stood beside me, and smiled down at me. Do you remember any of this Dad? Has any of the past stayed with you in your mind...any of the good stuff, that is?

Hold on, kiddo! Don't let go!

 Do you remember ANY of the fun things we did together as a family? Do you remember when I was your "little girl", and even when I'd done wrong, you still loved me? I DO remember those days. Surprisingly, writing this letter to you makes me feel like those days were yesterday. That's how clearly I can see the past in my mind. I'm betting the past isn't so clear for you.

What happened to us? Was it me learning that I had my own mind, and opting to use it? Was it me choosing to be who I am., regardless of how you felt? Was it me making mistakes along the way, that you think you never would have made? Or was it just simply me growing up and not following behind you and your set of rules anymore?  Me changing and growing up didn't mean I didn't love you anymore, Dad. It just meant I wasn't a small child anymore. I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do...grow, make mistakes, learn from them...make more mistakes. That is what life is about!

Life happens, but people still love their families, right? Well, why don't you? Why is it that who I am isn't acceptable to you? What happened to unconditional love? What happened to loving your children no matter what? I know I haven't been the perfect child, and I'll be the FIRST to admit that. Why then is it that you'll never admit to being less than the perfect Dad? I've waited years for apologies for hurtful words said, and those apologies never come. I know now at 35, that I'm NEVER going to hear them. You don't think you're in the wrong...for anything. That's a shame, Dad. There was a time I saw you as my knight in shining armor...the one who would always be there to save me if something went wrong. I know now that certain fairy tales don't exist. The days of you coming to my rescue are LONG gone.

P.S. Did you ever know that you WERE my hero? You let me down a long time ago. I learned a lot from you though. I'll never turn my back when my kids come to me in need. I'll never act like they don't exist just because their choices aren't ones I would make for myself. I won't ever let them hear that they wouldn't be here if I'd known how they'd turn out. I will love them...because they are MY kids. I will accept them because I love them and they are MY kids. I will give to them my love unconditionally, because that's how it's supposed to be. They didn't ask to be here, and neither did I Dad.

You're my Dad, and I love you. I always will. I'm sorry that loving YOUR child became so much more of a chore, than just a simple emotion.