Another Day, Another Let Down...

Ya know, I consider myself a good person on most days. Some days I remember things I've done in my past that were unsavory, but I've made amends and for the most part, I am a good human being. Why then, tell me, am I left with this empty, hurt feeling in the pit of my gut? Why again, is it not the first time I've felt this? Why are you now a person creating it, when for so long you've been a friend, confidant, someone I could trust? Why have I heard for years how much you love me, when the actions speak so differently from the words? Why would you choose things....substances....over me? Why? Better question is...HOW can you make that choice? How could those things be better for you than your own woman? Make you take from her, lose her respect, her trust?...her friendship??? None of those things were important to you, huh? I assure you, they were very important to her. Things that she held on to with certain people because she knew she could count on them to stay true.

Do you realize how much you hurt her with the things you did? You took away alot that can't be given back. Money, material things, they can all be replaced, but that feeling of safety is forever tarnished. Does that even bother you? You broke her trust once a long time ago, and she forgave you. She left it in the past enough to pack up and move AGAIN, to try to give herself a new start. She was a bit scared but not worried because she never thought for a second that you'd do anything to hurt her. It appears that her judging of character has become way off through the years.

I don't want to be bothered by what you did to me. I don't want to give two shits about what you do with your life from here on out. However, the more I think about all this the last few days, the more I realize just how hurt I really am. I am lashing out constantly...and even doing it to people who don't have shit to do with anything. I'm depressed and crying all the time. I don't feel like I can even laugh without forcing it. YOU did this, and I won't, for one fucking second let you forget it. I know you can't stand to hear me tell you about yourself...you don't want to "listen to this shit". Tough. If more people in your life didn't turn a blind damn eye to the bs...you wouldn't still be doing it, and you wouldn't have felt like you could do it to me.

I've heard you say a million times how you aren't anything special, how you're unattractive, how you don't deserve to be happy. We ALL deserve to be happy. You were, in fact, something very special to me. You and the other people here felt like family to me. I let myself feel like that because I needed to, due to lack of having my own family to be close to. You have effectively stolen that away from me, and I can't even begin to think of how to forgive someone for that.


You had it. You had everything you said you wanted. You'd gotten me here. You had a woman in your life that loved you no matter what you thought she felt. Look what you threw away for what amounts to nothing ( and the drinks, drugs, and other trash you're associating with ARE, in fact, NOTHING).....

For your sake....I hope it was worth it.