Suckered again.....

And to think, I actually WANTED to be able to try and believe you again. To think I have had faith in you no matter what for some reason. To think I was willing to try to forgive you for the fuckery. So my repayment for all that is to look me in the eyes, and lie straight to my face apparently. I used to say, "I hope it's worth it". That has now been changed. I can ASSURE you, that you will find it was NOT, in fact, worth it to lie to me. You should have learned not to bite the hands that feed you LONG ago. It's a shame that it's going to take you waking up cold, alone, and half dead one day for you to really GET IT. You had a woman that has been your friend for 3 years. You had a woman that loved you despite all your faults and fuck ups. (she has been hurt, disappointed, and disgusted numerous times recently, but she still cared) I am done being all quiet and secretive about your bullshit. You have disappointed and disgusted me, your closest friends and family, and you insist on keeping on doing it. One day, you will find that all the places you have to turn to, will have disappeared....even the family will become completely sick of it.

You will have squandered every resource you have and every opportunity you had from loving and giving people to help you get yourself straight. You will have NO ONE to blame.....but YOU.

I watched the tears rolling out of your eyes and felt sick to my stomach. It broke my heart to watch it. I wanted to do anything I could to take away whatever demons you have that are eating at your soul. I listened to every word you said to me. I watched every single emotion play across your face last night. I believed the words you were saying to me. I believed you when you said you didn't want for people to look at you in disappointment and disgust. I believed you when you said you didn't like the person you've become. I believed you when you said you honestly want something better for yourself in your life. Worst of all, I believe d you, when you looked into my eyes and cried....saying how sorry you were for hurting me, lying to me....and that you truly love me and never meant for any of this to happen.

I've talked to friends and family, and heard all sorts of opinions on what to do. The caring, loving part of me (which is obviously the bigger part of me, and it keeps allowing me to get hurt) wants to wipe away all your issues, be there for you, stick by you, and do whatever it takes to get you the help you need. That part is my heart and it just wants to keep giving and giving...despite the many times it keeps getting shit on. My brain tells me to sweep you out the door with all the other trash and old news in my life. My brain tells me to snap and lash out and really do damage to you in whatever way I can. My brain tells me to make you pay for all these trashy, shitty, repulsive things you keep doing to me and your own family. My brain tells me you keep doing these things because no one ever makes you pay....so you think it's perfectly okay to just hurt people and destroy their trust.

I am so very upset right now while writing this to / for you. I keep trying to grasp why a person I've always been nothing but HONEST with would feel the need to lie to me so many times. I'd rather have the truth any day of the week, rather than walking back into the lies every time I turn around. I left home in a pretty good mood today, knowing that we'd talked, and had more talking to do. I felt a tiny bit of the weight that's been on my chest for weeks ease up a little. I had the smallest of smiles on my face....small, but a good start. For some reason, you just couldn't let that be I guess. I walked back through the door to be smacked in the face with your lies again.

Hurt me once....shame on you...
Hurt me twice, shame on me for letting it happen again...
Hurt me again, I start to feel like I deserve it for allowing it...

I didn't deserve this. I deserved the promises you made to me. I didn't sign up for this.

Shame on YOU.....    =(