This one was an EASY answer. My best love isn't a man at all; it's my kids. My best love is the four beautiful children I gave birth to. I am so very blessed to have been given four of the most amazing babies ever brought on to the face of this earth. The sad thing is, I don't deserve a single one of them. I know it, and so does most every one else. I never thought in a million years that I'd even ever have kids. I honestly didn't think it was a good idea due to the fact I am probably the LEAST patient person ever born. For some strange reason, a higher power saw fit to bring these amazing little people into my life. I still say I don't deserve them. I haven't been the best mother. I never will be. None of that, however, will change the fact that I love them with everything I have in me and I know what a gift I was given.
My oldest daughter, Brianna...so stubborn, so beautiful, so very....ME! Ha, that's the only way to describe her. Fourteen years old, and the mind of an old soul in my opinion. This child is going through some things at a young age. I'm sure a lot of what she's going through is in some part, my fault. I gave her up when I was in my early 20s. She's always known I'm her mother, but she's raised by other people and they ARE in fact, her Mom and Dad. There's no two ways around that. Giving birth doesn't make you a Mom. It makes you a mother, and there's a HUGE difference. We are now getting the chance to know each other, and we talk daily. The little heathen has even decided she wants to be on my Facebook friends list. Poor child, Lawd knows what she sees there lol. I am just staying low profile and letting her come to me when she chooses to if there's something she needs or wants to talk about. I think that is the best way to be there for her. Can't just bust back into someone's life and try to be a "parent". That would be the quickest way to push her away, and I will not do that....not for anything in this world.
My one and only, gorgeous son Eric. He's the man of my dreams for sure. No one can even comprehend how lucky I feel to have been blessed with such a handsome young man. For the first three years of his life, he never really left my side. It was like being Siamese twins really. I don't know why I never wanted to let him be away from me for too long. Maybe subconsciously, it had to do with the fact that I knew I'd given Brianna up (and was having major issues dealing with my own problems from being adopted as well). I took him to my in-laws the day before his 3rd birthday. I was trying to be the bigger person in a messed up situation that had nothing to do with him, and he shouldn't have been drug into the middle of grown up foolishness. I'd been keeping him from the other side of his family and chose to rectify that. I ended up only seeing Eric three times during the next 9 years. He's going to be 13 years old in a few months and we've just recently reconnected. He's dealing with his own issues that he has with me for not being around. I refuse to lay any blame on his father in front of him, because I don't think parents should do that to children. I also accept blame for some things that might of led up to things going down the way they did. I won't get detailed simply because the kids are old enough to read and may run across the blog. All I will say is that I didn't "willingly" part with him for that amount of time. I expected to be without him for a weekend, and unfortunately for me,(and for him as well) that is not at all what happened. I still don't think they are old enough to discuss certain things with, and since I can't be positive I won't besmirch his Dad's character if I got upset, I will wait until I am sure I can keep it together. I'm pleased to say that despite a few minor behavioral issues, he's turned out to be quite an amazing kid, even after being saddled with me for a mother.
Shelby. What can I say? She's absolutely gorgeous. I don't even say that just because I gave birth to her. I just think this kid has such a great personality and I think it shows in a picture. I haven't done right by this kid at all, and I honestly say I don't deserve her. I haven't been around. I've been away from the east coast where all the kids are for the last 7 years approximately. Too much has gone on in their young lives that they shouldn't have had to endure at all. Too many moves, too many people in their lives, too much confusion. This child has issues that we probably don't even know she has yet. Luckily, she's on her way back from all the confusion and chaos and now has stability. I accept full responsibility for my part in her issues. I hope other people will accept their responsibility too. It seems so often that people just want to lay blame elsewhere all the time. I get that too. No one wants to feel like things are their fault. I wish I didn't have to admit it....but I AM. I just recently moved to SC which is where the 2 youngest girls have been living, thinking it would be easier to reconnect if I was in the same state. I get here, and due to financial reasons and a break up, her Dad decided it was best to return to NC where more of HIS family and support systems are at. I get that too. Her father and I are in contact as much as possible and he sends every picture he takes so I can see how she's doing. Luckily, they are only about 4 hours away now, so getting together will be much easier than it was when I was living in the Midwest. I'm going to have to answer to this child in the near future and the thought of it fills me with dread. How do you tell a child that you've always loved them even though you know you're worthless as a mother? I don't think that's possible, but it will have to be done.
This devilish smirk belongs to the baby of the group. This is Becca. She was three when this picture was taken. It's one of the few pics of her I've got. I think the situation with this child is THE worst of my failures as a parent. She and Shelby are full sisters. They were always together pretty much their whole lives so far....up until the last couple years. This situation has become what i can only refer to as a colossal clusterfuck. Yes, I said CLUSTERFUCK! Her father and I are going to have to share the blame on this one. We let a family member on his side get their hands on her. Some people have twisted families, and he and I both have that. This family member in particular though, wanted me to GIVE her my child the day she was born. Literally, at the hospital, the woman asked us to just hand over our child to her like we were discussing a fruit basket. Naturally, we assumed the lady was bat shit crazy, because....REALLY??? Who does that? Who asks someone some shit like that? A crazy person! She is Becca's great grandma by marriage, not by blood. Long story short, after I split with their father, they were with him in S.C. He got into trouble, ended up incarcerated and his sister took both girls from the home and went to the great grandma's with them. One ended up with the sister, and Becca was left with the great grandma. I've had no contact with Becca since she was 5. That wasn't for a lack of trying. I didn't live close enough to see her in person, but every attempt to talk to her was intercepted. Phone calls not answered and never returned...mail not returned. This situation will get hairy eventually because the courts will have to be involved. I'm told that she has A LOT of behavior problems. MY family was going to drive and get her years ago, but law enforcement informed me that the great grandma was going to put up a fight, and that social services would become involved and make her a ward of the state. I'd rather find a way to fight the old hag on my own to get Becca back. Once you lose a child to the system, it's sometimes damn near impossible to get them out.
I know there are several people who will read this and think "G'damn Gina, you're a fucking loser!". I'd agree with that statement too. I've been a loser as a mother for far too long now. I've felt like such a loser for so long that I had convinced myself that my children were better off without me. I'd beaten myself down instead of showing myself that I could be better. It took a few important, special people to help me see that I just had to learn to believe in myself. I had to tell myself over and over that I needed to be closer in order to set things right. I've been gone a lot of years and fixing things ISN'T going to happen overnight. I don't expect it to. It took years to destroy these bonds and it will probably take YEARS to mend them. I love my kids though. There isn't a day that's gone by that I haven't thought about them. Are there people that won't believe that? I'm sure there are. Do I care? Not at all. I will have to answer to a higher power one day for ALL the mistakes I've made in my life. As for answering to anyone else, I only have to hold myself accountable to my children. I sentenced myself to a life without them, and sentenced them to a life without me based on a lot of stupid decisions in the past. There comes a time to pick yourself up, dust your shit off, and start over. That's what I intend to do. I know none of this is going to be an easy road to travel. It shouldn't be either. Their little roads have been littered with potholes not of their own making. I don't know if they'll ever be able to forgive that. The journey has started with the two older ones already and things are going okay thus far.
My kids are definitely the best love I've ever known or received. The purest form of love can be seen through the eyes of a child. You can see it, it's unconditional, and it emanates off of them when they love you. I used to see that look daily from my kids. I haven't seen it in so long. I want it, need it, and will stop at nothing to get it back.
(SN: I'm sure there will be women that read this that have no respect for me as a person. I understand that and that IS their personal choice. However, I believe that the first step to bettering oneself is to realize and own up to all your mistakes and then do what you can to rectify them. Feel free to judge me. I've been getting judged for years. Times are changing, and all the judgement just makes me want to be a better person anyway. I'll die proving myself to my kids, and in the end, THEIR judgements are the only ones that really even matter.)
4 comments:
*Hugs*
I have so much respect for what you have written here. I respect that you have acknowledged and have taken responsibility for your role in what took part in your kids' lives. That is very brave. I applaud you so much for it; you are trying to make amends. You understand that it's not going to happen overnight; you've even come to terms that it may not happen. You have a realistic expectation based on previous experience.
My biological father was never around; my mom left when I was three, so I was raised by my grandparents.
I wish my biological mother was as put together as you. She has not even accepted responsibility for how her absence impacted me. She is too caught up in rewriting history to make herself look favorable. She doesn't realize that I would have much more respect for her and her efforts if she did not lie, try to put on this facade to others that she was always around or contributed to my being the person I am today.
She participated none; not financially, emotionally...none. She missed out on a lot. Graduated from high school with a 3.91; Magna Cum Laude distinction at 2 colleges.
Just recently she popped back into my life. We were brought together through my grandfather (her dad) getting sick and eventually dying from colon cancer just recently (last month). It is bittersweet; I know not to wait on a genuine apology; it will never come.
So kudos to you...I wish you well in everything.
(((hugs)))
Wow, thanks so much for that. I realize that as a mother, my past is probably VERY offensive to other mothers. I do know that change isn't going to happen overnight. It is also quite possible that one of more of my kids will NEVER forgive me for this absence from their lives. That's something I will have to deal with. All I can really do at this point is be here if and when they need me. The oldest has started coming to me with some of her personal issues, and asking for my opinion. I just don't push myself on her and it works out better that way.
Eric talks to me, and says he loves me no matter what. The bad thing is he doesn't "know" me anymore, so that's what I'm working on with him now. He has to get to know me again.
I think the 2 younger ones will be where the trouble is. They are both very headstrong. They always have been since they were little. These two might not ever forgive me, but it won't stop me from trying.
I really appreciate your comment....more than you could possibly know.
Everyone makes mistakes, u cant bring back what happened in the past, but you can most certainly start now. It probably wont be easy but you are going to have to be willing to put in the work. You have lots of making up to do, and I am happy that you are at least willing to give it a try! Good luck sweetie!
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