~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for

When I originally looked through the list of topics for this challenge, at first glance, I thought this one would end up being an easy answer. I thought, "Pffft, that's easy! My kids of course!" However, after some thought, my answer is ME.

I've spent a lot of years disliking myself because of things that happened in my past. I was conceived, born, and then given away by my biological parents (I realize NOW, that was supposed to be an act of love on their parts, but that doesn't mean I don't still have issues over it). I was adopted by 2 people (who in all reality, had NO freaking business being parents). I'll say they "tried" but even THAT is pushing it and being far too nice about the shit. Part of growing up and becoming an adult is having your own mind. Apparently, in my family, that business is frowned upon, because once I knew I had my own and started voicing it, I became the dysfunctional child. I'm the one who doesn't ever do anything right, doesn't do shit by the "rules" (whatever the fuck those even are), the one they wouldn't have adopted if they'd known how I'd turn out.

I've endured some seriously fucked up relationships. I've been with a couple of men who saw me as their personal punching bag. I had it drilled into me on a daily basis just how little they felt I was worth and sadly, as it is with so many other abuse victims, I came to believe that all they said was true. I went through it for about 12 years before I kindly excused myself from those kinds of relationships. It's a shame it took me that long to get out. The really sad thing about women (or men) that have been abused is that the feelings of negativity towards themselves, don't just vanish the instant they're no longer in those relationships anymore. It can sometimes takes YEARS for them to overcome the mental damage that is done. (Some people NEVER overcome it). I'm one of those that it took years to come out on the other side into enlightenment. I didn't even go to counseling or therapy or anything (though that certainly would have been an awesome help if I'd been able to afford to). I owe my personal journey to "recovery" to a string of really awesome friends along the path of my life. I had a very low self image. I'd been told for a long time how fat and ugly I was. It got to the point where I couldn't even stand to look at my damn self in the mirror.  Once I was free of the bonds of those relationships, I had men coming up to me, and telling me how beautiful they thought I was ALL the time. Of course my reaction was always negative. I would tell them to quit with the lies and bullshit. I'd let them know I thought they were just all about "getting in my pants".  Things were so bad in my life at one point, that I actually tried to kill myself, by swallowing a bottle of pills. (Feel free to insert 2x4 forehead smacks on me here). Luckily, I didn't succeed.

Well, it took a long time, but now I don't react like that anymore. I can take compliments a whole lot better than I used to, and I know that it's not always about someone trying to get something out of me. I can hear someone call me something negative, and those old feelings don't come rushing back anymore. I can spot the negative people a little easier now before they have a chance to do any damage to me. (I'm only human, however, and some have made it past the walls and attempted to bring me down again).  I look in the mirror now and think "You're not perfect, but NO ONE is. You are smart! You are beautiful, no matter what anyone else thinks! You deserve the best, and you damn well better go out there and get it!"

So, I made my life worth living. I'M freaking worth it. I "could have" lost it several years ago, and for some reason, I'm still here. That's a bit of an eye opener. I'm still kicking, and there's a lot left for me to do on this earth. I've got 4 gorgeous kids here that I love and I'd like to be around for. I'm a human being, and I make mistakes (A LOT lol) but that's what it's all about. Life doesn't give you reasons to make it worth living...you have to make that happen for yourself.