So Close

Safety and love
-- the things you offered to me
I fell into that relaxed feeling
     thinking there would be no worries....
             not with you
So many nights spent up late talking
      Promises made
              I believed
New surroundings
       Scared and wary
.......but happy
              to be with you
Then comes the pushing
        the expecting
               the confusion
Realization
         that me, just as me,
                is never really good enough
A saddened heart
          filled with the knowledge
                 of things........
           that will never be.



August 18, 2011
12:00 a.m.
Gina F. Canty

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 18 : Love knows no real boundaries...."I kissed a girl, and I liked it"!

My opinion on gay marriage? That's an easy one, for sure. LET IT BE! Who in the world should have the right to tell any two other people that they can't be together? Umm, that would be NO ONE, and especially NOT the government. Love is love, and it doesn't matter who is feeling it. or it SHOULDN'T matter anyway. I have NEVER had a problem with gay people, them being together, or them wanting to make their love official and get married. Us straight folks are allowed to marry whoever we damn well choose, so why the hell shouldn't they be able to?

My opinions on it are even stronger now, because my 14 year old daughter has "come out" and let people know that she is "BI". Who's to say that one day she won't choose a woman to share her life with? I don't want her to ever be told that it's wrong for her to be in love, just because it's with someone of the same gender. She is an amazing girl, and no matter who she chooses to share her life with one day, she should be allowed to make it official in the eyes of the law.

I've known A LOT of gay people in my 35 years on this earth and I'm here to tell ya, if I could have nothing but gay friends, that would be seriously awesome. They have been some of the most amazing characters I've ever run across. I've known some that didn't want anyone to know they were gay, and I've known some that were so flagrant in their gayness that it left nothing to the imagination. (LOL, naturally, those were my favorite gay friends!) It's not a choice to be gay. Who in the hell would CHOOSE to subject themselves to constant ridicule and attack for being that way? That's right....NO ONE would. Need someone to blame for it?.....

It's not a personal lifestyle choice people! You're born that way. Some people are just really good at hiding it sometimes. However, eventually, they come out and finally feel better about being honest with themselves and everyone else. I KNEW my child was different a LONG time ago. SHE knew it a long time ago. I just waited for her to tell me when she was ready to. One day, if she so chooses, she better have the right to marry whoever the hell she pleases. Straight people aren't the only ones that should have that right.


*Sigh*

 

P.S. By the way, I really DID kiss a girl once...and I DID like it. *smirks*

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 17 : Ever read a book that changed your views on something?

I absolutely love to read and I always have. I used to use books as a great form of escape when I was a kid. I've been sitting here thinking about whether or not I've ever read a book that has honestly made me change my views on something. I cannot think of one for the life of me. I read a lot of fiction books, the occasional biography perhaps, but nothing that would cause my views on anything to alter. (Nothing that I can recall anyway).
The only thing I can think of that comes even REMOTELY close to this topic is having read  a book series that made me seriously never want to read anything from that author again. LOL. That series would be the Dark Tower series by Stephen King. I got completely engrossed in that series. I read straight through all the books, hurrying to get to the end. I was so excited to reach the last few pages of that last book. Man, I have never been so pissed off in my entire life when reading something. I KNEW before reading that last book that something "scream worthy" happened at the end. My roommate had been reading each book before she handed them over to me. She had finished the last book the night before I read it. (Yes, I read the whole damn book in less than 24 hours LOL) The fact that other people that might not have read this series, might happen across this entry is the ONLY reason I do not mention what happened at the end. All I DO know is that the ending made me want to drive all the way up north to find Stephen King and....

That is all.

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 16 : Sweet Jeebus! Fucktards! They're Everywhere!

Amen.

Fucktards, I tell ya, they're everywhere you look anymore. You can't step out of your front door without the possibility of running into one. Unfortunately for some people, they even have to LIVE with fucktards. (I feel sorry for THOSE poor souls). Yes, I do have a penchant for coming across this type of person very easily. My fucktard radar picks them up like nobody's business. I do tend to enjoy toying with them a lot too, but to be quite honest, they're a nuisance and I could seriously do without them!


We all run across many different types of fucktards in our daily lives. (Someone should really market a "Tard-B-Gone" spray to repel these bastards. Get on it people!)  Let us identify just a few types for shits and giggles. How about it? Alrighty, onward we go!

THE "KNOW IT ALL" FUCKTARD :
-- These people are the ones that no matter what you might be talking about, they know everything about it. The things they are spouting can often "sound:" factual but usually aren't. If you are a rather "learned" type, you will probably know right away that what these tards are saying is completely bogus. For those that aren't quite sure, but have their doubts about the "know-it-all's" information; you can usually do some minimal fact checking to reveal these people are indeed nothing more than clever bullshit artists.

 

THE "ALWAYS HAS A BETTER STORY THAN YOU" FUCKTARD :

-- This is the type of tardo, that while you're in the middle of a story about something that happened to you, will JUMP IN and interrupt you to tell a story about how the same thing happened to them...only BETTER. C'mon, we ALL know this type of person. I used to work with one back in my days at good 'ol Rosewood Care Center in Swansea, IL. It didn't matter who was talking, she would interject in the middle of their repertoire, to let everyone know how the exact same thing went down in her life and was SO much more awesome than what we were already hearing. (We all had the urge to beat her over the head with a cinder block, I assure you!).

Please talk to the hand, stupid bitch. *sigh*

THE "ILLITERATE" FUCKTARD :

-- For the purposes of this entry, I am grouping all the forms of this fucktard that I know, TOGETHER. These would be the ones that can't spell worth a fuck, constantly use screwed up punctuation or NO punctuation at all, the ones who can't understand plain English to save their lives, the poor grammar bitches, and the ones who use computer or texting abbreviations ALL the time, for EVERY thing. These people are my FAVORITE to pick on, for while I am no brilliant scholar or genius myself, I CAN manage to put together coherent sentences so that the masses can understand me. I have MANY friends who hate this group of fucktards as much as I do. We have many hours of laughs at their expense, and also a few headaches from having to read that sort of fuckery. *pukes*

THE "I'M THE SHIT!" FUCKTARD :

--You can find this fucktard anywhere naturally, but I tend to run across this type of person online more than most other places. I've also come to find that it is usually younger people. This form of maggot comes in both the male and female variety, and for some reason they are under the impression that the entire world revolves around them. This type was found A LOT back in high school and was known to me as the "preppy" crowd. They think they are better than everyone else in every possible way....better looking, cooler friends, hotter cars, you name it, they think everything about them is all that and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. I ALMOST feel sorry for this group of dumbasses, because they haven't figured out that all that beauty will eventually fade, and they'll be left with nothing but their stank ass personalities to get by on. Damn, THAT'S gonna be a rough eye opener, eh? Yes, you guys, you ARE the shit....and what do we do to shit?......

*closing lid*

These are really just a FEW of the types of tardolicious people out there. I'm sure with more time, I could come up with a list that would keep us all busy for YEARS.  No matter what form we find them in, they are nothing more than a hindrance to what might otherwise be a peaceful, rather awesome fucking day. We could ALL do without these little puke stains in our life. It's a shame that we'll never know what it's like without them though. It's official folks, they're here to stay. We might as well enjoy fucking with the little douche canoes while we can!!!  ;)

Get out there and support your fellow intelligent man! Bust a fucktard in the head today!

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 15 : Gimme A Smoke Or I Choke Out Lil Johnny!!!

Hands down, the one thing I've tried (REPEATEDLY) to live without and failed miserably at, is my smokes. There's a couple people who have seen me go without for long periods of time, and I'm not gonna lie....it just gets UGLY.  I know a lot of people probably think I just don't WANT to go without them. That would be "partly" true, because honestly, I LOVE smoking. However, cigarettes are just as addictive as some of the drugs out there. Granted it's not crack or heroin...but that nicotine will get ya! It will grab ahold of ya and not let go.

My ex's 17 year old cousin was living with me after he and I split up. That poor child came home from high school one day to find me rocking back and forth on the couch like an autistic child might rock back and forth. She took one look at me and KNEW what was wrong. She pretty much told me right then, she had NO earthly intention of spending the night in the same house with me if I was out of cigarettes. LOL. She grabbed some clothes and said she was going to stay at her little friend's house that night. I can't actually remember how long I'd been without one at that point, but I was pretty much at freaking out level.

Everyone has their vices...the things they just can't deal without. Smoking calms me. Call me crazy, but it honestly does. If I'm going through something really stressful, the odds are you will see me with a smoke in my face. If I'm stressed, and you DON'T see a smoke in my hand or between my lips, then it's probably best for you to steer clear of me. The last couple of days I haven't been feeling the greatest and there's a lot of things popping up that are causing me a SIGNIFICANT amount of stress and worry. My attitude today has been a bit worse than normal, so those intelligent people won't find it hard to figure out why.

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 14 : "Dear Dad, You used to be my hero..." (A hero that has let you down. Write a letter.)

The beginning...

Dear Dad,

Do you remember the day you and Mom brought me home? I don't remember it at all. I was far too small to remember it. Was it a joyous day for you? I've been told it was, but I really wonder what you were thinking in your own mind at the time. My memories pick up at a point where I thought there was nothing greater in the world than you. I can't really recall specifics, but I do know I thought there was nothing that could top MY Daddy. I remember you holding my hand at specific points over the years, and sitting on your lap, and you smiling at me. I remember being "Daddy's girl".

What did you do in school today, honey?

I'm pretty sure I can recall being walked to and from the bus many times by you and Mom. I remember sitting at the kitchen table eating snacks while you asked me how my day was. I can almost feel my hair being ruffled numerous times while you stood beside me, and smiled down at me. Do you remember any of this Dad? Has any of the past stayed with you in your mind...any of the good stuff, that is?

Hold on, kiddo! Don't let go!

 Do you remember ANY of the fun things we did together as a family? Do you remember when I was your "little girl", and even when I'd done wrong, you still loved me? I DO remember those days. Surprisingly, writing this letter to you makes me feel like those days were yesterday. That's how clearly I can see the past in my mind. I'm betting the past isn't so clear for you.

What happened to us? Was it me learning that I had my own mind, and opting to use it? Was it me choosing to be who I am., regardless of how you felt? Was it me making mistakes along the way, that you think you never would have made? Or was it just simply me growing up and not following behind you and your set of rules anymore?  Me changing and growing up didn't mean I didn't love you anymore, Dad. It just meant I wasn't a small child anymore. I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do...grow, make mistakes, learn from them...make more mistakes. That is what life is about!

Life happens, but people still love their families, right? Well, why don't you? Why is it that who I am isn't acceptable to you? What happened to unconditional love? What happened to loving your children no matter what? I know I haven't been the perfect child, and I'll be the FIRST to admit that. Why then is it that you'll never admit to being less than the perfect Dad? I've waited years for apologies for hurtful words said, and those apologies never come. I know now at 35, that I'm NEVER going to hear them. You don't think you're in the wrong...for anything. That's a shame, Dad. There was a time I saw you as my knight in shining armor...the one who would always be there to save me if something went wrong. I know now that certain fairy tales don't exist. The days of you coming to my rescue are LONG gone.

P.S. Did you ever know that you WERE my hero? You let me down a long time ago. I learned a lot from you though. I'll never turn my back when my kids come to me in need. I'll never act like they don't exist just because their choices aren't ones I would make for myself. I won't ever let them hear that they wouldn't be here if I'd known how they'd turn out. I will love them...because they are MY kids. I will accept them because I love them and they are MY kids. I will give to them my love unconditionally, because that's how it's supposed to be. They didn't ask to be here, and neither did I Dad.

You're my Dad, and I love you. I always will. I'm sorry that loving YOUR child became so much more of a chore, than just a simple emotion.

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 13 : "Dearest Adele"....(A band or artist that's gotten you through some tough days. Write them a letter.

Dearest Adele,

Where to start? Your music was introduced to me at a time in my life that couldn't have been more perfect. I found that I could see myself in the lyrics of almost every song of yours I listened to. It's almost like I could have written them myself just from the things that were going on in my life at the time. I identify with all of them...the songs about being in love...the songs about breaking up and the heartache....the songs about picking yourself up and moving on. I'm quite sure there are millions of other women that feel the same way I do too about your music. I just wanted you to know that your words have reached into the very depths of my soul at times and comforted me in ways that other things weren't able to. I believe you to be a role model to a lot of females out there for many reasons. In my case, after some very rough happenings in my life, your music made me feel empowered again. I wish there were more amazingly talented women out there like you whose music I could identify with so completely. You are such a gift! ♥

Always a fan.....
Gina