~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for

This topic was a "no brainer". Forgiving myself for the act itself, not so easy.

I had an abortion in my early 20s. My first child was only about 8 months old, and I got pregnant again, because I was careless as hell. I thought I was protected, but it appears, not so much. I still remember seeing the positive pregnancy test and thinking "I cannot go through this again so soon". I was messed up in the head then. ( I still am of course, but for different reasons). I didn't tell anyone for awhile, and I just was trying to figure out what to do. After a lot of thought and crying over it, I made the decision within myself to terminate the pregnancy. 

My Dad was a member of the German Club in Wilmington, NC and had to participate at a lot of functions. Oktoberfest rolled around that year and he was out of town on business, so my mother was working the door taking tickets in his place at the Elks Lodge. I remember walking up there after work that night, and sitting down with her at the table. I just sat there, and didn't say a word. She kept looking at me, like she was trying to read my mind. I didn't smile, say hello, speak to anyone...not even her. I eventually jumped up from the table and asked her where the bar was set up. She KNEW something was wrong at that point, because even back then, I wasn't much of a drinker. I headed straight for that bar once I heard the drinks were free. I was good and shit faced by the time I told her I was pregnant. I remember sitting at the door of the Elks Lodge, crying drunk tears, when I told her I couldn't have that baby. She just sat there with a blank, expressionless stare. The stare didn't change until I started begging her to help me.

I told her there was NO way I was going through with the pregnancy, and she agreed to do whatever she could to help. I made an appointment at the abortion clinic in Wilmington. They make you talk to a counselor before they schedule the procedure...to make sure you are completely positive you want to go through with it. I had convinced myself that I wouldn't be talked out of my decision and that I knew damn well what I was doing. I went through a couple interviews with a counselor and scheduled the procedure. I was informed of what method they would be performing on me, and it led me to decide I wanted to bring a set of headphones with me the day I went. I was searching frantically all over my parent's house that day looking for my brother's Walkman. I finally found it at the last minute and ran out the door.

I've got to say, I've seen those "pro-life" picketers before on TV...with their signs, and the way they run up on people and try to change their minds. I thought that was just on TV. It's not. They were out there on the corner near the clinic. (They weren't allowed directly on the property). My mom was driving me, and had agreed to pay for the procedure, but as soon as she saw those picketers...she started saying "I'm going to go to hell for this for helping you!" She said it several times. It just kept playing over and over in my head. (My mom is a serious Catholic). I don't know why, but it pissed me off. I just was thinking..."Fuck this, no man, woman, government or church should have the fucking right to tell me what I can or can't do with my own fucking body!"  Granted, she didn't HAVE TO help me, and be the one paying for it, but she was my Mom, and she did it because she loved me.

Sitting in that room, waiting for that doctor, I attempted to put my headphones on so I wouldn't have to listen. I was told that I couldn't...and that there was a radio in the room for that reason. I won't go into any gruesome details....all I WILL say is, that there might as well NOT have been a radio in there, because I sure as fuck couldn't hear it. For anyone that may ever contemplate having an abortion....I recommend NOT doing it. Once they start, there is NO turning back. That was the single most excruciating experience of my life. Between the sounds, the physical pain, and the mental anguish I experienced laying on that table that day...I would have chosen dying over it....any day. I was too young and far too torn about what was wrong or right. I should NEVER have been inside that clinic that day. I can't take it back....and I God damn sure as hell can't ever forget it. It is ALWAYS with me. It never goes away.

Afterwards, they stuck me in a room filled with recliner chairs. There were SEVERAL girls in there sitting, reading with heating pads on their stomachs, to ease the cramping that you experience afterwards. Besides myself, there was only one other girl in there crying. I saw myself in her face. At that moment, she hated her own guts, and so did I. I looked around, and there were girls in there, chatting on their cell phones, one was painting her fucking toe nails, like she was getting ready to get dressed to go to the club. I wanted to scream, because I instantly knew that at least one of those girls had been there more than once. I didn't understand at all how any of them could be sitting there like nothing important had just happened to them. I thought I was losing my mind in that fucking place. I ran out of there when they said I could go like the hounds of hell were nipping at my heels. They weren't at my heels though. The hounds were inside of me, and they were there from the moment I heard that machine cut on in that office, and they are still living inside of me to this day.

If I had the choice to reverse time and change my decision back then....I WOULD. I made the wrong decision all those years ago. If someone can have an abortion and not feel anything afterwards...not regret it...not be tortured by it...then there's something wrong with their soul. For those women out there that have had more than ONE...I don't know how they do it.

This decision was NOT the right one for me.....but I still believe that it should be the woman's right to choose. I will NEVER believe that government or the Church should have any say so. I do hope and pray that any woman contemplating this thinks LONG and HARD before they go through with it though. They had better make damn sure the choice is right for them, because once it's done...you can't ever take it back.

How the hell do I forgive myself for that?

30 Day Love/ Truth Challenge DAY 5: Favorite Romantic Movie!

HANDS DOWN, my favorite romantic movie of all time. I don't care how many times I watch it, it never fails to get to me and touch my heart. I feel like I'm a part of it every time. It's what we all want. It's that all encompassing, enduring love that we all start dreaming about as little girls. (At least it was always MY dream). I think I will always dream of a love like this. A love that stands the test of time.....

I've been there, years of feeling that way, and the love never seems to fade.....

Starts out new, that crazy feeling inside that you can't get enough of......

The silly, goofiness with one another.....

That feeling of complete freedom...like if you aren't careful, your feet could leave the ground....soaring to new heights......

The years can't erase that feeling. No amount of time will ever change it......

It's always there, right under the surface, no matter how well you think you've hidden it......

The passion, still as strong, and as real as it always was.....

You'd walk to the ends of the earth....fight till the last second.....give your last breath, for that love....

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 4: Favorite Love Song....and why?

Adele. This woman, to me, represents every BBW. Beautiful, big woman, who is happy with who she is. She's gorgeous, and talented, and just freaking amazing in my book. No surprise that she sings one of my favorite love songs. I know the song isn't originally hers, but her version moves me...and when it comes to music, that is a REQUIREMENT. The song, the lyrics, the melody...something has to move me in order for me to listen. I hope and pray she continues to become a bigger star than she is right now.

This song speaks to me in so many ways. It represents the way I love. I'm a firm believer in "you either go hard, or go home". I think love should always be that way. Of course, with loving so hard, sometimes the pain at the end is EQUALLY as hard, but if you can't go all the way in, you shouldn't bother with it at all. I'll be singing right along with this song when I post the video. It's a shame that I can't sing too loud. Damn it being 2:47 in the morning and all. Amazing how music can sweep you away to another time and place in the past...........

"I've known it from the moment that we met......no doubt in my mind where you belong........"

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 2: Something you love about yourself.

I know a lot of people can't see it, but I've always been kind of a "Debbie Downer". I've suffered from depression for a lot of years. I've been through a ton of stuff that (after the fact) I realized would have brought down some of the strongest people out there. I hide a lot of what I'm going through pretty well. I don't even know how I taught myself to do that. I guess I just felt that just because I wasn't doing too well, I didn't want the people around me to ever have to experience that. I've always been the "clown" or the comedian of the group. Even at my roughest moments, it brought me a lot of internal joy to know that I could bring a smile to another person's face. It made me feel so good inside knowing that I could make someone laugh, despite the personal clouds I might have been experiencing.

What do I love about myself? I love being ME. I love being a good person. I enjoy the fact that when someone I'm close to needs me, that I can find a way to be there for them, no matter what I'm going through. I like the fact that somehow, after everything that's ever happened to me, I can somehow STILL manage to try to find the good in everyone that I cross paths with. I love being able to forgive people who have wronged me, and forgive myself for mistakes I've made in life. I love being able to wake up every morning, and have yet another chance to change myself for the better.

While I am the first to admit that I'm FAR from perfect, I love knowing that I'm real. I'm honest, caring, loyal to a fault, and just an all around good woman; that I think anyone would be lucky to have in their life. I hope that doesn't sound too conceited. It really isn't meant to come across that way. It's taken me a very LONG time to be able to say these things about myself. I've overcome a very low self image that I had for most of my childhood and into my high school years. Though I know there's still a lot about myself that I need to work on, I'm finally happy with the woman I turned out to be.

~30 Days of Truth ~ DAY 1: Something You Hate About Yourself

This one will be probably the most simple one to answer.....or maybe not. I immediately thought to say "I hate my body", but maybe that's not even entirely true. I think it may just be the "image" I have of myself. Most of the men I know seem to think there isn't a damn thing wrong with my body. I don't know that I necessarily agree with them. Hell, what do they know anyway? Some of them wouldn't notice the sun rising and falling if we just fixed 'em a sammich, slapped a cold one in their hand, and turned the TV to ESPN for their silly asses. So, yeah, hell if I'm gonna believe anything those fools say. LOL

I'm literally half tempted to run in the bathroom, yank my shirt up, my pants down and snap a picture of my main problem area. I'm refraining simply because I know it's late, and some people have just eaten. I'd like for you all to be able to hold on to your meals. LMFAO!  You all know the area I'm referring to. That large problematic thing I will refer to as my "hideous gut". It's really a hot mess folks. I wouldn't lie to you. Trust me, I have lots of pics posted between a couple sites, and some a tad more revealing than others, and I assure you one thing you don't see on those is my stomach. You see what I damn well want ya to see.

The other thing that is totally related to the gut area is that "pouch". You know....I call it my kangaroo pouch. The one so many of us get after giving birth. The part that just seems to never go the hell away no matter how much damn weight you lose. I'd like to just laser it the hell off myself. Slice it off with a nice sharp blade? Break out the chainsaw? There's a myriad of ways to do away with that thing. When you guys figure out a quick, painless way....be a dear and let me know how ya managed? Mmmmkay? Better get to finding a way quick too...before I decide to take that gut picture after all and traumatize all of you with the stretch mark ridden bastard that it is!  ;)  Yep, 'nuff said on THIS particular subject LOL. I leave you with some musical entertainment. Enjoy! *smirks*

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 3: Last / Most Recent Love...what they meant / mean to you

What did he mean to me? I was mesmerized by him almost instantly. I am still unclear what it really was that attracted me to him initially. All I know, is that I was taken by him in ways I can't explain. To me, he was a bright new light on my horizon, a horizon that had been overshadowed for quite some time.

I met him on a website last year. *cringes* I know, online, danger zone. There are so many false people in this virtual world. I didn't perceive him that way at all though. The site I met him on was one that I like to describe as somewhat of a virtual meat market. A place chock full of perverts and reprobates (however, don't get the idea that I don't like pervy people, because I do! I AM one lol) He was just different. Flirting and being a perv weren't the only things on his mind. He knew how to flirt, but he wasn't offensive like so many people on that site were. I noticed within 5 minutes of chatting with the man, that he had a brain, full of so much information. I couldn't get over the fact that he just seemed so smart to me. I knew INSTANTLY that he was someone I'd like to have the opportunity to get to know better. We talked on the phone (I did most of the talking because I don't know how to shut up), and bless his heart, he listened. He listened in a way that said to me that he actually cared about what I was saying. Men listen all the time, (or so they say lol), but parts of the conversation get tuned out. I could have asked him to repeat anything I'd said, and he would have been able to do so. His listening included actually paying attention. I remember wishing I didn't have to hang up at the end of our first phone conversation (it honestly "pained" me to have to do so lol).

During that LONG first conversation, I learned a whole lot about his past and he in turn heard a lot about mine. I realized we were both dealing with our own demons in life, and there had been similar kinds of pain for him in his. I felt like I was talking to someone I'd known forever. It was just so easy to open up to him and I didn't feel like I had to censor myself  or hide who I was. It felt completely natural to be me with him. We talked a couple more times, and then one day I went to the site hoping to leave him some site goodies, and found that his account was no longer there. I have to admit, it crushed me quite a bit to see it gone. I tried calling him and got no replies. It was upsetting to say the least. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt thinking that he must be dealing with some of his past drama, so I let it go, though the thoughts that he was just a really good player were definitely in the back of my head. I didn't want to believe that he was just like every other guy out there. I don't remember what prompted me to search his for his name, but I eventually did search for him on Facebook, and found him there. I messaged and asked what had happened to him previously, and why he didn't just give me a heads up before disappearing on me completely, and leaving me to wonder for weeks. I didn't figure I'd ever get a response, but he did end up replying, and apologized for the way things had happened.

There started the whirlwind that was my life for the next 8 months. I was so crazy about him. All I kept thinking about was the fact that I'd been single for a LOT of years, by choice, because of things that had happened in my past. I never wanted to really take a chance on anyone that I'd met or talked to. I'd dated, but never let it get to the commitment phase. Here was this new man in my life, that made me want to be a part of something again. I literally ACHED to be a part of something. We eventually made plans to meet. I went up to his town for a four day weekend. He lived about 2 hours away from me in Illinois. This was my first time laying eyes on him in person. (We'd talked on the computer, the phone, even been on cam together, but this was in the flesh!) I was anxious to see him. You know? Like, butterflies in my stomach, excited. I wasn't the least bit nervous though. It was funny. I felt like I was going to see someone I'd known for a million years. One of his friends picked me up at the bus station in Springfield and took me to him. I remember pulling into that driveway and seeing him standing on the porch with a little smirk on his face. All I can tell you, is that the feeling that came over me was peace. It was like "coming home". We stepped into that house, and he wrapped his arms around me, hugged me to him, and I felt like there wasn't any place on earth that I belonged more than standing right there in front of him. It absolutely took my breath away. (Writing that literally took me back to that moment briefly....freakiness!) It was a great weekend. Relaxed, just hanging out and spending time with each other. I honestly dreaded the thought of leaving. The day I left, as I was waiting for a ride to the bus station, we sat on the front steps just leaning into each other. He laughed and said..."Just stay. Don't leave." I looked at him like he was crazy (even though the idea was the best one I'd ever heard lol). I reminded him of the fact that I had a job, apartment, and all my belongings were back in my town. I cried sitting on those steps that day. It ripped my guts out to drive away from him. He texted me all the way back home so I'd have something to keep me occupied. We made plans for him to come down to me in 2 weeks on my next off weekend and spend a few days with me in MY environment. 2 weeks?? Might as well have been forever, so I just sat at home......

Yep....biting my already non-existent nails. LMAO. That eternally long two weeks finally ended and I was on my way to St. Louis to the Greyhound station to sit and wait for his bus to come in. (I had to take the Metro Link train to the city to meet him. I should say here that I absolutely DETEST public transit for some unknown reason, so this was a big deal lol) En route to the city, I get a call from him, telling me the bus driver won't let him on the bus due to lack of identification. Well, all I'll say is I snapped on the train and demanded to speak to the bus driver. (I'd already talked to Greyhound and was assured he'd have no problem getting on the bus despite the lost ID) The bus driver wasn't going to let him ride, but I begged and pleaded and was almost in tears when he decided to let him on and hold his laptop as collateral (even though he was paying cash for the bus ride and HAD the money in his hand).  He hung up on me before I actually found out the driver WAS letting him on so I was in freak out mode when the phone rang again. This time, it was his mother, informing me that he WAS on the bus but somehow had dropped his cell in her car while gathering his bags to get on the bus. The woman was asking me what she should do, and informed me she was chasing said Greyhound down the highway in an effort to give her son his phone. (I should say here that his mother is,in fact, completely blind in one eye and was haul assin' down the interstate in the dark of night...in hot pursuit of that bus). HAHA, I seriously want to laugh out loud right now thinking about that phone call. I sent her home and told her that he could do without his cell for 3 days. He is, after all, a big boy LOL.  I sat there waiting and waiting...just vibrating with excitement at the thought of seeing him again. Ya know those old black and white movies where the couple is in the train station and they run up and kiss? Yes, well, forgive this mentally challenged girl because I swear to God, that is exactly what I was envisioning. (mmmhmmm i'm a super mushy ra-tard LOL)

Okay, okay, so it wasn't QUITE like that. Oh well, it was still great. (I promise I didn't run through the bus station like a crazy fool and embarrass him haha) I met his grumpy, attitude-havin' bus driver though, and shook his hand. He was really a butt face, I might add. I think he ended up staying with me four days too. We had his folks drive down and get him to avoid the no ID fiasco again. He was visiting me to help me pack my belongings and move out of my apartment. (Ha! I totally forgot to mention that little tid bit of information, didn't I?) We got everything packed and moved to a storage location where I'd be staying until he came back in 13 days to ride back with me to his town, so I didn't have to drive it alone with all my junk. I should say that he was "on again, off again" about this decision to have me move with him. One day he wanted it, the next he was questioning whether we were making the right choice. His last day at my place, he tried to back out completely. He had a scared look in his eyes, like he was going to break into a run if I just touched him with a fingertip. I wasn't scared at all, and couldn't fathom why he was. I didn't bat an eyelid when I'd turned in my 2 week notice. I didn't bat an eyelid packing my things and moving them. I didn't bat an eyelid because I was never more sure of a decision than I was of that one. In my heart, it was the right choice, and for the first time ever, my HEAD was actually in agreement with my heart at the same time. He was acting funny when they got there to pick him up and I was crying like a baby. I was so scared I'd just given up my job, my apartment, my EVERYTHING, and he was going to disappear....never to be seen or heard from again.

I ended up only working out one week of my notice, and I drove up myself. He was waiting for me when I got there. I met his two youngest kids that day (it was his week to have them). He still seemed scared and told me as much. He worried that things would go wrong, and that we wouldn't be able to be friends anymore. I still wasn't worried. I knew about all his past relationship issues. He knew about mine. I knew what I was up against. I knew he wasn't quite over some of the things that had happened to him in his past. I'll probably never be over some of the things that happened to me. I just wanted a new start...something beautiful in my life for a change. I wanted a chance for us BOTH to make something good out of all the bad in our pasts. I truly believed that we could. I saw things in him that he wasn't even able to see about himself. He was so down on life, and I just wanted us to be the bright rays of light for each other. I SERIOUSLY have a dreamer's heart and soul. I try so very hard to see the good in everyone. I definitely saw SO much of the good in him before things went wrong. I was there a little over three months before my dream came to a complete end. We DID get a lot accomplished together while I was there. Maybe things that some people wouldn't even see as accomplishments, but for US, they definitely were. I saw him come out of that depression he'd been in for so long, and he brought a lot out of me that I didn't realize I had anymore. He showed me, that despite some of the really rough things in my life...despite a LOT of rejections along the way, that I still had the capacity and the ability to truly love someone again.

I held on as long as I could. I tried everything I could to keep us together. I tried to be everything he needed without changing who I am. Sometimes, people just don't see what they have in front of them, because they're too busy looking into the past. Our downfall was mostly because of that....the past....and not being able to let go. I let go of a lot for him. I told myself that I loved him, but I wasn't "in love" with him. It wasn't until I knew I would be leaving there, that realization hit me full on. I'd been crazy in love with him the whole time. The last month living there was really rough. The last 3 weeks there was a lot of yelling, and tears, or not talking at all. It was a drain on my soul to go through that with him. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I got sick and just couldn't function like a normal grown woman should. It was hard to deal with the "loss" of him and still be in the same space with him. I lost almost 30 pounds in those last 3 weeks.

I never realized it was possible to shed that many tears, and still have more to cry. I quickly found that it is indeed possible to find more tears. At the beginning of March, he requested I leave. The request wasn't exactly a nice one at the time. I packed my belongings, and spent the next 3 days in that house...alone, with nothing but my pathetic tears to keep me company. It was a rough way to end things. I left that Friday, with a heavy heart, with no goodbye from him, and with every urge to turn around and give up my soul to find a way to make it work. My last memory of that place is his mother (who I love like she's my own mother) holding me, smoothing my hair, and trying to dry the unending river of tears that I'd been crying for days. Wow, this is REALLY painful to look at as I type it. I suppose I'm not really over what happened with him. I guess it just takes a lot of time for some kinds of pain to ease away. I've got nothing but time, right?

Many people have given me shit that know about what I went through with this situation, because I chose to remain friends with him after all this. They couldn't understand it. People advised that I should cut him out of my life...cut him away, like a cancer during surgery. I've learned it's never that easy when you love someone. No matter what, I thought of him as that man that I first met. He was that guy that I could talk to about anything. He was my friend. I KNOW that guy is inside of him somewhere. I saw the soul of the man many times, and while troubled, it was so beautiful. A beautiful, brilliant, mind and soul like I'd never encountered before. It was just buried far too deep for me to grasp and be able to hold onto. He hurt me deeply, but somehow I found the place inside of myself that was able to forgive him. I could never hate him. Things didn't work for us, but for a small space of time, I felt beautiful, loved, appreciated, wanted, and alive. I found those things again with him and, for that, I thank him.

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 2: Best Love....what they meant /mean to you

This one was an EASY answer. My best love isn't a man at all; it's my kids. My best love is the four beautiful children I gave birth to. I am so very blessed to have been given four of the most amazing babies ever brought on to the face of this earth. The sad thing is, I don't deserve a single one of them. I know it, and so does most every one else. I never thought in a million years that I'd even ever have kids. I honestly didn't think it was a good idea due to the fact I am probably the LEAST patient person ever born. For some strange reason, a higher power saw fit to bring these amazing little people into my life. I still say I don't deserve them. I haven't been the best mother. I never will be. None of that, however, will change the fact that I love them with everything I have in me and I know what a gift I was given.

My oldest daughter, Brianna...so stubborn, so beautiful, so very....ME! Ha, that's the only way to describe her. Fourteen years old, and the mind of an old soul in my opinion. This child is going through some things at a young age. I'm sure a lot of what she's going through is in some part, my fault. I gave her up when I was in my early 20s. She's always known I'm her mother, but she's raised by other people and they ARE in fact, her Mom and Dad. There's no two ways around that. Giving birth doesn't make you a Mom. It makes you a mother, and there's a HUGE difference. We are now getting the chance to know each other, and we talk daily. The little heathen has even decided she wants to be on my Facebook friends list. Poor child, Lawd knows what she sees there lol. I am just staying low profile and letting her come to me when she chooses to if there's something she needs or wants to talk about. I think that is the best way to be there for her. Can't just bust back into someone's life and try to be a "parent". That would be the quickest way to push her away, and I will not do that....not for anything in this world.

My one and only, gorgeous son Eric. He's the man of my dreams for sure. No one can even comprehend how lucky I feel to have been blessed with such a handsome young man. For the first three years of his life, he never really left my side. It was like being Siamese twins really. I don't know why I never wanted to let him be away from me for too long. Maybe subconsciously, it had to do with the fact that I knew I'd given Brianna up (and was having major issues dealing with my own problems from being adopted as well).  I took him to my in-laws the day before his 3rd birthday. I was trying to be the bigger person in a messed up situation that had nothing to do with him, and he shouldn't have been drug into the middle of grown up foolishness. I'd been keeping him from the other side of his family and chose to rectify that. I ended up only seeing Eric three times during the next 9 years. He's going to be 13 years old in a few months and we've just recently reconnected. He's dealing with his own issues that he has with me for not being around. I refuse to lay any blame on his father in front of him, because I don't think parents should do that to children. I also accept blame for some things that might of led up to things going down the way they did. I won't get detailed simply because the kids are old enough to read and may run across the blog. All I will say is that I didn't "willingly" part with him for that amount of time. I expected to be without him for a weekend, and unfortunately for me,(and for him as well) that is not at all what happened. I still don't think they are old enough to discuss certain things with, and since I can't be positive I won't besmirch his Dad's character if I got upset, I will wait until I am sure I can keep it together. I'm pleased to say that despite a few minor behavioral issues, he's turned out to be quite an amazing kid, even after being saddled with me for a mother.

Shelby. What can I say? She's absolutely gorgeous. I don't even say that just because I gave birth to her. I just think this kid has such a great personality and I think it shows in a picture. I haven't done right by this kid at all, and I honestly say I don't deserve her. I haven't been around. I've been away from the east coast where all the kids are for the last 7 years approximately. Too much has gone on in their young lives that they shouldn't have had to endure at all. Too many moves, too many people in their lives, too much confusion. This child has issues that we probably don't even know she has yet. Luckily, she's on her way back from all the confusion and chaos and now has stability. I accept full responsibility for my part in her issues. I hope other people will accept their responsibility too. It seems so often that people just want to lay blame elsewhere all the time. I get that too. No one wants to feel like things are their fault. I wish I didn't have to admit it....but I AM. I just recently moved to SC which is where the 2 youngest girls have been living, thinking it would be easier to reconnect if I was in the same state. I get here, and due to financial reasons and a break up, her Dad decided it was best to return to NC where more of HIS family and support systems are at. I get that too. Her father and I are in contact as much as possible and he sends every picture he takes so I can see how she's doing. Luckily, they are only about 4 hours away now, so getting together will be much easier than it was when I was living in the Midwest. I'm going to have to answer to this child in the near future and the thought of it fills me with dread. How do you tell a child that you've always loved them even though you know you're worthless as a mother? I don't think that's possible, but it will have to be done.

This devilish smirk belongs to the baby of the group. This is Becca. She was three when this picture was taken. It's one of the few pics of her I've got. I think the situation with this child is THE worst of my failures as a parent. She and Shelby are full sisters. They were always together pretty much their whole lives so far....up until the last couple years. This situation has become what i can only refer to as a colossal clusterfuck. Yes, I said CLUSTERFUCK! Her father and I are going to have to share the blame on this one. We let a family member on his side get their hands on her. Some people have twisted families, and he and I both have that. This family member in particular though, wanted me to GIVE her my child the day she was born. Literally, at the hospital, the woman asked us to just hand over our child to her like we were discussing a fruit basket. Naturally, we assumed the lady was bat shit crazy, because....REALLY??? Who does that? Who asks someone some shit like that? A crazy person! She is Becca's great grandma by marriage, not by blood. Long story short, after I split with their father, they were with him in S.C. He got into trouble, ended up incarcerated and his sister took both girls from the home and went to the great grandma's with them. One ended up with the sister, and Becca was left with the great grandma. I've had no contact with Becca since she was 5. That wasn't for a lack of trying. I didn't live close enough to see her in person, but every attempt to talk to her was intercepted. Phone calls not answered and never returned...mail not returned. This situation will get hairy eventually because the courts will have to be involved. I'm told that she has A LOT of behavior problems. MY family was going to drive and get her years ago, but law enforcement informed me that the great grandma was going to put up a fight, and that social services would become involved and make her a ward of the state. I'd rather find a way to fight the old hag on my own to get Becca back. Once you lose a child to the system, it's sometimes damn near impossible to get them out.


I know there are several people who will read this and think "G'damn Gina, you're a fucking loser!". I'd agree with that statement too. I've been a loser as a mother for far too long now. I've felt like such a loser for so long that I had convinced myself that my children were better off without me. I'd beaten myself down instead of showing myself that I could be better. It took a few important, special people to help me see that I just had to learn to believe in myself. I had to tell myself over and over that I needed to be closer in order to set things right. I've been gone a lot of years and fixing things ISN'T going to happen overnight. I don't expect it to. It took years to destroy these bonds and it will probably take YEARS to mend them. I love my kids though. There isn't a day that's gone by that I haven't thought about them. Are there people that won't believe that? I'm sure there are. Do I care? Not at all. I will have to answer to a higher power one day for ALL the mistakes I've made in my life. As for answering to anyone else, I only have to hold myself accountable to my children. I sentenced myself to a life without them, and sentenced them to a life without me based on a lot of stupid decisions in the past. There comes a time to pick yourself up, dust your shit off, and start over. That's what I intend to do. I know none of this is going to be an easy road to travel. It shouldn't be either. Their little roads have been littered with potholes not of their own making. I don't know if they'll ever be able to forgive that. The journey has started with the two older ones already and things are going okay thus far.

My kids are definitely the best love I've ever known or received. The purest form of love can be seen through the eyes of a child. You can see it, it's unconditional, and it emanates off of them when they love you. I used to see that look daily from my kids. I haven't seen it in so long. I want it, need it, and will stop at nothing to get it back.

(SN: I'm sure there will be women that read this that have no respect for me as a person. I understand that and that IS their personal choice. However, I believe that the first step to bettering oneself is to realize and own up to all your mistakes and then do what you can to rectify them. Feel free to judge me. I've been getting judged for years. Times are changing, and all the judgement just makes me want to be a better person anyway. I'll die proving myself to my kids, and in the end, THEIR judgements are the only ones that really even matter.)