30 Day Love / Truth Challenge Day 14: Recreate your most romantic date (a real one)

HAHAHAHA! This one will be the EASIEST entry I have EVA written. Why, you ask? Simply put, because I can't remember EVER going out on a romantic date. Yes, I am serious as a heart attack. I was in my 30s before I ever even went on an actual "date". (When I think of a date, I think of going out to some nice, sit down kind of restaurant. That's why I say I didn't go on my first one till I was in my 30s)

I could easily think of all sorts of romantic things to do on a date, but I have yet to find a man with enough creativity to think of something romantic to do for me. When that day happens, I promise to come back and blog about it. I warn you though, with the way things are going, it could be forever. LOL


Yes, I am pitiful.

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 13: Unconditional Love...is there such a thing?

Yes, I definitely believe in unconditional love. It's the kind of love that's always there. So many people have conditions to their love.

--If he were only a little cuter, I could love him.
--If she'd just lose some weight, I might love her again.
--If you do this for me, then I'll do that for you.
--If he'd just get his act together, then I'd feel so much better about caring about him.

There should be no such things as conditions when it comes to love. You either love someone or you DON'T. Period. It's just that simple. Real, honest and true love is ALWAYS unconditional.

MY FOLKS :
--They treat me like ass. Do I  dislike them for it? Of course! I detest the fact that they can't accept me for who I am, and the choices I make in life. Does all that mean that I don't love them? No, it doesn't. They're my parents and I'll always love them regardless of how they choose to react to me. I just choose not to put myself around it, but the love is still there for them, however buried it might be.

MY KIDS :
--They would get my unconditional love before anyone else in the world. Are they going to do wrong and screw up throughout their lives? I sure hope so because it's the only way they'll ever learn any lessons. Will I stop loving them because of it? NEVER! Will they become people whose lives aren't what I thought they'd be? It's possible. Will any of their lifestyles be something that I or others might not agree with? Yep. They will. My 14 year old daughter has already "come out". I'm sure there will be people that have MANY issues with that. Do I? Not at all. She's my baby. I will love her no matter what she ever tells me about herself in her life. Will they pop off attitudes at me for no reason? You betcha! That's what kids do. It will never make me love them any less. (It might make me wanna beat em all down to the white meat though. LOL!)

MY EX HUSBAND :
--The man could drive anyone crazy. He definitely did that to me for a lot of years. He drank too much, he cheated, and he was abusive at times. Did I hate those things about him? You're damn right I did. I still loved him though. I suppose part of me will always love him. I don't have to be in love to love him. He recently asked me to take the fall for him for some crazy shit that happened when I was still staying with him right before moving to S.C. with Jason. I remember feeling my mouth drop open that he would even ask me for such a favor. He is facing a lot of time in prison for what happened. It's HIS fault that he's facing time. He wanted me to accept responsibility for something he did, to lessen any trouble he might get into. I realize that he is looking at some serious time behind bars and I feel bad because he's my son's father. Do I feel bad enough to perjure myself and possibly get into trouble to help him? Nope, I don't. That doesn't mean I don't love him either. It just means I have a brain and I don't feel that jail and myself would be a good match!

TONY, MY 2 YOUNGEST GIRLS' DAD :
--Kinda like walking in a dream when I first met him. I was crazy about him, and didn't really know the man inside. Even when the signs of what he was capable of started to surface, I turned a blind eye, because I loved him. I even continued to turn the blind eye after he first beat me up. I convinced myself that I must have done something wrong to be getting treated like that. (Of course, at the time, I didn't realize I was doing what A LOT of abuse victims do, by making excuses for their abuser.) His drinking, cheating, and abuse far surpassed anything I'd experienced in my marriage. Looking back, my ex husband was a kitten compared to Tony. (He certainly lived up to his sign...Leo the Lion.) After seven years of that, I can still say, there's love there for him. It's not something I feel when I wake up every morning. I don't want to shout it from any roof tops, but it's there. He gave me 2 beautiful little girls. I wouldn't want to see anything bad happen to him, and even though he treated me like ass...my love for him was still very real. I'd still love him no matter what he did. I certainly don't have to like him as a person though. (Update on him : from what I hear though, he's alcohol free, pretty much stank attitude free, and doesn't put his hands on people anymore. Good for him because some of them NEVER change!)

JIM, MY 1ST LOVE :
--He treated me like I was somebody when I met him. He made me feel cared for, and special. He never tried to push me to do things I wouldn't want to do. The man waited almost a year, before I finally gave my virginity to him. He was my first at a lot of things. Even though he disappeared on me after getting what I gave to him, the feelings were still there. I was "in love" with him for a long, long time after that. I just was a kid, and hurt, and that let down spawned a downhill spiral in my life. I did a lot of things I never would have done if I hadn't been hurt the way I was. Once I got older, I realized, he was just a kid too...and a guy...and you combine those two things and you have a recipe for disaster. I blamed him then, but now I'm older and wiser. If he needed me for something now, I'd be there for him. I'd be a hard-hearted person if I was able to hold a grudge the last 18 years. LOL.

JOSH :
--After years of staying single because of fear of getting hurt again, fear of meeting another abusive personality, another loser...I meet him. He made me want something again. I wanted to be a part of a couple. I finally thought I deserved it again. I gave up everything I had to go be with him. (a job, my own place, all my friends) I moved to another town where I knew no one but him. I could have cared less. I was happy! I loved him and was so very excited about making an awesome life together with someone I adored. I wanted to learn things from that brilliant mind of his. He didn't give me the chance. I fought against his past every step of the way while I was with him. It was all too much for him to deal with, I suppose. He broke up with me. He didn't behave too nicely to me at the end before I moved. He was seeing someone else right under my nose, and actually having the woman come get him from a house we still lived in together. I had to deal with her calling and texting all day, everyday. It was rough. I'm a fighter though. I tried to hold it together. I tried to make him see the mistake he was making. I loved him, despite the way things were going. I'd have done anything to hold it together.

MY JASON :
--He's one of my best friends. I trust him. He treats me well. He loves me. We spend every waking hour together for the most part. No matter if we ever become a "couple", I'll always love him. I've adored him from the moment I met him over 2 years ago online. We've had a couple little fights, where he did some things I didn't agree with. They caused some friction between us. Was I beyond upset with him? Yes. Did I get over it? Yep, I did. Will anything he ever does make it so I don't love him at all anymore? No. That's because I truly love him. I'd whip ass for the man...possibly even maim someone. That's how ya feel when you love a person.


There's been a lot of people in my life, not just relating to relationships, that I have loved deeply. They may do things to piss me off and upset me. We may go long periods of time without talking because of this. It's NEVER going to change the fact that I love them. I accept all the people I love exactly the way they are. What you see is what you get and I've learned to accept people and not try to change them. It's unconditional. It always has been, and it always will be. I don't know how to be any other way when it comes to love.

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 12: Is our love written in the stars?

Do I believe in zodiac compatibility? My best match? My worst? Let me think here.....I think this is an interesting topic actually. I think for me, I believe in SOME of the aspects of what the zodiac says we're compatible with. Also, not every person of each sign is the same, or adheres to what the zodiac says they are like.I know this asks for my best and my worst but I'm going to have a little fun with this and veer all around with it. LOL  I found a site when I googled "zodiac compatibility" and it lists your sign and then breaks it down to show you what it would be like with each of the other signs. I have to say that it's pretty freaking accurate! It also gives you a "thumbs up" rating for each respective sign.( I am assuming the highest number of thumbs up it gives is 4 since that's the highest it's showing for my sign with any other sign.) I am completely amused by the thumbs up ratings from some of my previous relationships.

1. MY EX HUSBAND AND I : (2 thumbs up)
Geminis are greatly attracted to Cancer's intriguing graces and Cancer will be drawn to Gemini's bubbly outward personality. But the two will soon come to know that they have too much conflicting qualities to make a relationship work. Gemini will promise to give Cancer the world one week, but might be completely absent the next. Cancer is too emotional to deal with such off and on love. This is a roller coaster of a relationship that needs a lot of work.

--Roller coaster of a relationship is a damn UNDERSTATEMENT! He and I were a freaking hot mess together, right on down to the way we "looked" as a couple. I was already almost 6 feet tall and he was about 5'8". (Yup, hot mess!)  Just like the signs said, it was great at times, and then I'd be left wondering what we were even doing together. I am a HIGHLY emotional person and the way I saw it, he had none. LOL. Our relationship was riddled with cheating and domestic violence. It will go down in history as one of my biggest train wreck relationships. Luckily, I was able to have one piece of perfection come out of that marriage. My son. The rest is history, and I am thrilled of that fact . Haha.

2. TONY-- MY 2 YOUNGEST GIRLS' FATHER : (3 thumbs up)
Leo is a magnet for drama and Cancer does not mind, as Leo can provide stable strength and affection that Cancer needs. These two can make a good couple as their natural weaknesses and strengths balances out each other, but there is less room for error than other compatible zodiac matches. A marriage between the two can last if Cancer does not nag Leo consistently and Leo does not take it out on Cancer in bad times.

--I laughed when I read this one because he and I were so NOT compatible at all. I don't know if he just was a "renegade" Leo, but this doesn't sound like our relationship at all. Their was absolutely NOTHING "stable" about my life with him. He could have really cared less about showing me strength and affection. The only signs of strength I saw from him was when his hand was landing on my person to knock me the hell out. (Hey, I keep it real. No point sugar coatin' the bullshit. Is there?) We didn't balance each other out at all. I agree with only one part of their description of this pair up....."less room for error than other compatible zodiac matches". How about let's just say there was NO room for error. Error meant Gina was catching a smack down. I give a big ass thumbs down for Cancer and Leo match ups. Veer far, far away from this! (this was probably my BIGGEST train wreck relationship)

3. JIM BONETTI-- THE FIRST LOVE  (4 thumbs up)
A Taurus and Cancer pairing has the potential to turn into a lifetime relationship. Both signs share the same views, they want emotional and financial security. They also will be loyal to each other, willing to spend quality time together at home. Taurus and Cancer are a good match and will be together for quite a while...as long as Cancer doesn't stir up too much drama and Taurus don't let the natural pigheadedness tendencies take over. Expect a house with many children or pets if a Taurus and Cancer couple ties the knot.

--I honestly think that if this relationship had come along later in life, it would have been one that might have gone somewhere. Jim was a cool guy, but we were both young and even though he was older, it isn't a reach to say that he still had a lot of growing up to do like I did. I was only 16 and he was around 21. I was comfortable around him as a person and he had an awesome personality (which incidentally, I've learned he still has to this day). He was my first real experience with having "love" feelings. I loved him enough to give up that cherry, didn't I? LOL. I think he deserved it after waiting as long as he did, and not pushing for it.  It might have had something to do with his cute ass smile too....I can't be sure!  ;)   (I'd count him as one of the better relationship experiences)

4. MARK S.-- MY 4 YR ONLINE LOVE : (2 thumbs up)
Instant chemistry happens often between Cancer and Sagittarius. They both love to laugh and use humor to hide behind their insecurities. But they make better friends than lovers, as their chemistry makeup is far too different and they will feel out of their element together. Sagittarius will want to rush into romance but Cancer will want the exact opposite. As friends, Cancer can serve up support and advice with Sagittarius lending an ear to hear Cancer's deepest thoughts and secrets. If these two are to become a couple, they will have to start at the friendship level and then slowly grow over time to something more.

--This one, pretty much dead on accurate. There WAS instant chemistry between us, and we both definitely use humor as a way of covering up whatever else might be going on. I don't think for one second think that he and I would have felt "out of our element" around each other in person though. There isn't a thing we couldn't talk about or do with each other. I think if I had been able to relocate in a timely fashion before he ended up in another relationship, that it would have been a truly amazing melding of two awesome personalities. It's sad that the way he and I were ended in such a fashion. Life is full of truly amazing things, and he and I would have been one of them. (even though we weren't "together", we had a relationship of sorts, and I count it as one of the good ones)

5. JOSH-- MY LAST LOVE : ( 1 thumbs up)
These two signs are a world apart in terms of personalities. Aries is aggressive and a radical while Cancer is on the conservative side and can be quite sensitive. They will both have to adjust to each other's style if they want to make the relationship work. What makes it tough is that both Aries and Cancer have bouts of irrational jealousy and they do not give their trust so easily. This can amount to much paranoia. A lot of compromises will have to be made from Aries and Cancer to continue on the relationship.

--Also dead on accurate! Personality-wise, we couldn't have been more different. He actually was just as sensitive as I am, but just doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve like I always have. (Some people are able to hide their feelings and emotions. I'm sooooo NOT one of them. LOL) I never experienced jealousy from Josh. It is, however, quite true that neither of us trusted easily. I trusted him enough not to hurt me, I just don't think he trusted me not to do the same in the long run. It was a big step for me to trust him though. Seeing that a lot of compromises would have had to be made for he and I to work, I know that it never would have went anywhere. Despite my love for Josh, he was not willing to give in about ANYTHING. You can't have a relationship that way. If he'd been willing to give in a little, we could have been amazing together. We got along just fine until the break up. Haha. It's amazing how getting dumped will cause a girl to be less than enjoyable to be around, eh? I suppose I wouldn't want to look at the face of a person I'd hurt either. It's got to be hard to watch a person cry and know they're broken up inside. I will say I know he had a heart, and he couldn't deal with seeing my reaction to our break up. (before break up...I count it on the good side. After the break up...not so much)

 Last but not least,I'm throwing in my most recent involvement with a male, because I definitely think he needs to be mentioned.

6. JASON BOWLES-- MY "I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE YET" lol : (4 thumbs up)
These two signs can come together to form great long-term friendships and even good lovers down the line. Communication between Cancer and Virgo is terrific as Virgo can provide an ear and let Cancer open up more than usual. The slow approach of Cancer will get Virgo to become more involved with group activies and interesting causes. The only weakness in this pairing is that even little arguments can be bigger than they really are in the eyes of both Cancer and Virgo as they are very sensitive zodiac signs.

-- Off the bat, this description starts off accurate. Jas and I have been online friends for over two years. You couldn't ask for a better friend than this man. He'd go all out to be there for the people he cares about, and he's certainly done that with me. He's always been there to talk to, and he does have the greatest ability to listen to a person. I don't think he needs a Cancer to get him involved with anything though. Jason is a pretty outgoing guy without my help. I can definitely lean towards agreeing with the last sentence of the description though. Jason and I are both sensitive, emotional types of people, and though we don't fight and carry on all the time....we HAVE had a couple spats since we started living together. We both can get pretty damn fired up about something that is important to us. That's never a bad thing though. I honestly wouldn't want him around me if he was any other way. I expect the people around me to speak their minds. (I definitely count Jason in the good relationships.)


So, I don't know that I agree with EVERYTHING the zodiac has to say about our compatibility with other folks. Some of it's accurate, and some isn't necessarily. I was, however, amused that some of my most intense loves got so few thumbs up. LOL. It's very funny to me. Guess it just goes to show, that for some reason, we silly humans always want those things that are not the best for us. Love is a silly thing, I tell ya!  ;)

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 11: Whom did you love, who didn't love you back?

When it comes to love, I think some of us might get confused sometimes. I think there are so many different forms of love, so where we might think that someone didn't love us...we might not be entirely correct. Some people just haven't loved us the way we wanted or expected them to. That being said, TWO specific people come to mind when I think of people that couldn't have possibly loved me. They are my ex husband (my son's father) and my two youngest daughters' father.

I think it's very possible that at one point they BOTH loved me, but somewhere along the line, those feelings disappeared. I'm sure if either one of them were to read this entry, they would call "BULLSHIT", and say they loved the hell out of me, but something I did along the way made them stop. (I assure you if I put ALL the bullshit and fuckery that went on in those 2 relationships down here for everyone to read, that while I'm no angel, I would still come out smelling like a rose as far as foulness in a relationship goes.)

Simply put, I believe that there is no possible way to say you love someone if you've ever physically put your hands on them to hurt them. I don't give two shits how many people would disagree with me on this one. My opinion will NEVER change. You're not a man (or a woman) for that matter, if the only way you know how to react to a person is to use physical force. It takes a man or a woman to walk away from any situation that has escalated to the point where someone feels they need to use their hands or any part of their body as a weapon. In my case, I have been used as a personal punching bag on more than one occasion. Sorry folks, but I don't give a shit who you are, or where you come from, that is NOT love. It never has been. It never will be, and if you are the type of person who does this (whether you are a man or woman)....YOU are a piece of shit, and someone should drown you! IMMEDIATELY. Point blank and period! I'm done. Now have a nice day!

Yeah....doesn't look like love to me.

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 10: List 10 people you love and explain what they mean to you.

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Quotes and Quotations
Baby Names

Haha, I honestly thought this would be easy when I decided to start writing it last night, but then I thought "WTF? Only 10 people?" I certainly love and care for a lot more than just 10 of the folks in my life. This is one of those things where folks could get all bent out of shape if they were to read this entry and not see their names. I hate that feeling. I'd hate to be the person reading something like this, and not see my name. LOL. Ugh, well, it turns out this wasn't easy at all. I busted out the paper and pen to make my list of 10 people. It got to point where someone actually looked at me and told me to stop thinking about it, due to the fact that the expression on my face looked like pain. HAHA! It IS sorta painful, not knowing who you're going to write about in a situation like this. I made my choices though, and made them for reasons of my own, that only I might understand. So, here goes nothing I guess!  ;)

1. MY KIDS : Yes, I realize that I have more than one child, but for the purposes of this, I am counting them as one unit. Not too hard to figure out why I love my children. It shouldn't be anyway. They are my babies. I carried each of them around inside of me for 9 months, feeling them growing and moving. As I've said prior to this, I'll never win a mother of the year award (that's for damn sure) but I do love each of these kiddos with all of my heart. Getting to know them again, after so much time away, gives me something important to look forward to. While my relationships with them may never be what they SHOULD HAVE been, I still have them in my life again, and that is such a huge blessing for me.

 2: JASON BOWLES : Jas has been one of the best friends a person could ever possibly have for a little over 2 years now. We met online, on a site called Myyearbook.com.  He's actually been "interested" in me since the very beginning, but I was either too busy wanting to remain single, or just "not in the mood". For some strange reason, Jason decided to remain my friend, even when I wasn't giving him the time of day like he wanted it. If he ever saw me online and saw my statuses showed I was going through something, he was always right there to ask if I was alright. I currently live with Jason. After my relationship failing in IL, I came back to the east coast and ended up deciding to come here to S.C. Though Jas and I are currently not in a relationship, we certainly do already act like an old married couple. LOL. He's a good man, and though it's not necessarily exactly the way he'd want things to be with us, he's pretty patient with me, knowing all that I've been through. We are starting to butt heads a bit since we both like to tell it like it is. That makes for some interesting conversations sometimes. I do treasure the fact that he is an honest man who will ALWAYS keep it real with me. I've loved him for 2 years, but now it's just a little more involved of a feeling. Who knows what will happen between us in the future. Should be interesting!  ;) I love you Jas. You should know that by now.

3. LINDA DUNNE: I've never met this woman in person but I've known her for about roughly 5 years I'd say. I could be a tad off on my time table, but that's just because it feels like I've known her FOREVA! Linda is probably one of the most amazing and REAL people I know. I think it's because she's a "Jersey girl". LOL. She definitely has that whole Jersey girl attitude going on. It is the MAIN thing about her that I love so much. She and I met online (are we seeing a theme here with my friends that mean so much to me? lol) on Pogo.com. She was sort of like the angry mother hen of the room we used to hang out in. She used to jump on everyone she saw doing stupid stuff or acting some way they shouldn't be. Enter MOI....hahaha. I was always up to no good back then. Linda saw me behaving in a way that wasn't good for my own self worth, and trust meeeee,. she didn't waste any time telling me about myself. I suppose that in the beginning, I hated that, but I eventually realized that she did it because she truly cared about me. That's saying a lot too, because Linda doesn't care about just everyone. She's a picky broad when it comes to who she chooses to be friends with. It turns out that she has become one of the greatest friends I've ever had, and I know she'd have my back in a New York minute if I honestly needed her. "Shawty" is as real as they come and I don't know where I'd be right now if not for her telling me how I was doing wrong. She had more of an impact on me than she probably even knows. I love you Linda baby!

4. JEREMY RICHARDS : Awwww my Jeremy. I don't have a bad thing to say about him. Jer and I met on Myyearbook too. (Yes, online! LMAO) We got really tight after being on that site together. They have this thing on there, where people "battle" each other with pictures. It started off really fun, but became quite the hassle. It's like any other site, and you get hooked...completely addicted...and can't pull yourselves away. We were both addicted to it. I got to the point where I was totally crazy about some Jeremy. I even made him my Myyearbook hubby haha. We'd send out battle requests on the site together. I think we made a pretty good team. Jeremy became the one person I would not get off the phone with without letting him know how much I love him.  Over the last year, we had kind of drifted apart. Jeremy does nothing but work lol. He doesn't have time for himself, much less for a lot of other people, including myself. We've started back talking more here recently, which is completely awesome, because I missed him something fierce. It's nice to have someone like Jeremy in my life, who believes in me like he does. Jer is the type that will push you to reach your goals. You can never have enough people like that in your life. (It's time for you to take a vacation and come spend some time with your girl Jer! ASAP!) Jeremy, I love you from the bottom of my heart...now and forever!

5. CHERENE LaSCOLA :  Once again, I met this amazing, beautiful woman online. Cherene is probably one of the toughest broads I know. She takes no crap off of anyone. She's the kind of girl you'd take to a knife fight with you. LOL. ( She's my "ride or die" girl!!!) It is my goal in life to one day meet up with Cherene in person. She's a northern east coast girl too. I'm thinking that's where all this attitude she's got, comes from. I honestly wouldn't have her any other way. She and I don't talk every day, but when we get on the phone, it's usually a pretty lengthy conversation. Just a couple minutes of hearing her voice is really NEVER enough. I feel like I get a strength recharge from talking to her. She makes me feel empowered. I really can't explain why though. I think it's just the tone of her voice, that lets you know, she takes no crap off of anyone. Cherene has been through a lot in her life too, so that probably is one of the many reasons I'm so drawn to her. She's been put through the ringer, but she gets back up, dusts herself off, and carries on. She's a mom, who is completely dedicated to her kids, and I admire that in her. She does it herself no matter how rough it gets. (Maybe I want to be like her when I grow up?) She's one of the most giving, caring people I know in her personal life and with what she does for a living. I hope when I'm old and decrepit, that I can get someone just as amazing as she is to take care of me. (That day is drawing near Cherene, so get ready to change my Depends LMAO) I ♥ you muh Chere. You make me smile and laugh when I need it most. I wish everyone was as blessed as I feel to have you in my life. You are beautiful lady!!!

6. JAKE OBERMAN : This guy...how can I describe him?  Jake is seriously one of the most ornery human beings I know. I am positive that is EXACTLY what drew me to him to begin with. He has little to no patience with most people, and in that respect, we are quite alike. LMAO. I don't think I've ever had a stitch of patience in my being. I guess when they were handing that out, I was absent. I don't really know what it is about Jake. I suppose I may have had a slight crush on him in the beginning. That was only from the way he acted, because I hadn't even paid attention to what the man looked like. Haha. He's actually a cutie pie. (I wish I had a better picture of him than I've got) For all Jake's rough exterior act, if he likes you, then there's a real softie in there somewhere. During the last year, when I've been going through a lot of my drama stuff, Jake has been there for me to talk to. He was there despite the fact that he's going through some health issues, and is usually in a great deal of pain. He's the kind of guy that gives you advice, but doesn't try to push me around to his way of thinking. He lets me be me...and apparently thinks that ME, is just fine the way I am. I genuinely appreciate people who don't try to change me. I think Jake is one of those people that would absolutely flip his wig if I changed. lol. Jake, I truly appreciate you being here for me. You don't know what it meant to me to have you to talk to. I love you dearly Jakey Poo! (runs and hides, cuz he's soooo gonna whoop me for calling him that!) *smirks*

7. GINA FLOWERS : Ever met someone that you think should have been born a part of your family? Gina may not be any kin to me, but she is now, and always will be my sister. I've known Gina for about 6 years I think. We met a long time ago online (on Pogo to be exact). We were online together all the time. Hell, I think we'd be on the computer and on the phone together at the same time. LOL! I couldn't love this woman more if she really was a blood relative. We don't live millions of miles away from one another, so it sucks that we haven't been able to meet yet. (She's still ticked I didn't stop in Kentucky on my way back to the east coast from IL) I am sorrrrrry Giners! I didn't even realize how close to you I actually was. She's an awesome friend, a great Mommy, and finally got the man of her dreams and got married. She gives me hope that it's possible to get to that point again. I think she's a smart, talented woman. She's beautiful inside AND out and my world would be less without her as a part of it. I love you Gina. I think a higher power didn't want to stress someone by making us actual sisters, so we have to just settle for being sisters in heart. We would be a force to be reckoned with! I will ♥ you until the day I die woman!!!

8. MARK S : What can I say about Mark that I already haven't by blog? He is thus far the strongest love of my life. He was my closest confidant for four long years. He was the blueprint that I based what love should be like, around. No one ever matched up to that idea of him in my mind. I think when someone finally came close to doing it, it began the crumbling of a four year bond. I think he tried hanging on to our friendship when I found new love, despite his complete objections to who I was with. I think me choosing the new man over him was the beginning of the end. It shouldn't have been, because Mark had his own "other" life, and it was one that did NOT include me. I, however, couldn't seem to shake him out of my system no matter what either of us tried. I went to this man for EVERYTHING. It didn't matter what the topic was about, I could talk to him and never feel uncomfortable about it. I can't tell you how many times we had discussions about "women's issues" and he made it through with flying colors. The man was a godsend to me for a VERY long time. I think I was available to him far more than he was to me, but it really didn't matter to me at the time. I just wanted him as a part of my life. Our friendship was THAT important to me. Before I left IL, I was still living in the same house with my ex for almost 2 months after breaking up. It was a rough time, and I don't think I could have made it through with the little sanity I had left....without Mark's help. Valentine's Day, I received a package in the mail from him. To most people, it would have looked like a bunch of junk, but to me, that tiny box was filled with MUCH, MUCH more. It was filled with love. He took the time out of his busy life and work schedule to do something for me, for NO other reason, than to put a smile on my face. In MY world, that means more than all the riches in the world. When I made the decision to move to S.C. with Jason, after all that had gone on in IL, I think it was just too much for him to deal with. I think he believed I was headed into another relationship immediately that was going to end up hurting me. I told him what my plans were, but he chose to believe otherwise. After four years of that crazy, strong bond, our friendship came to a crashing halt when he said a lot of things that should never have been said. I'm still upset about what happened, but there is nothing I can do to change it. I was honest with a man who chose to believe me a liar instead. I don't hate him. I never could. He'll always be a part of me. Once you truly love someone, it never goes away. Wherever you are today Mark, and whatever you're doing...I want you to know that despite everything, I'll always love you Sunshine. Thank you for the four years I was blessed to have you in my life. You changed a lot in me, and for that, I'll always be grateful.

9. DIXIE C :  Dixie is the only one I don't have a picture of. I sure wish I did. This woman means more to me than she will ever really know. I can't even really put into words truly what she means. Dixie is the mother of my ex Josh. I think originally when I moved to be with her son, she saw me as a possible ray of light for Josh. I think she truly wanted things to work out between us. I'm sure that was more so for her own child, but Dixie loved me. I was so envious of the relationship she had with her children. They are both grown adults, but they could go to her with any problem they ever have, and she will ALWAYS find a way to be there for them. This woman didn't know me from a hole in the ground but she welcomed me into her home...into her life....into her FAMILY...without a second thought. In my eyes, she is what a mother is supposed to be. She loves her children unconditionally and accepts them just as they are. I've never had that before, and she gave that to me. It didn't matter what I needed, she provided it, without a question. I could talk to her, about ANYTHING. I've never known what that's like. I have 2 mothers technically, and still couldn't say I'd ever been treated that way. I can't talk to my own mother about anything that is important to me at all. I honestly don't think that what matters to me is high on my mother's list of things that rank important. With Dixie, it didn't matter the topic of conversation, I could be myself with her. I didn't have to pretend to be someone else to impress her. She just accepted Gina as is. I hope her children truly know just what a gift they have in the woman who created them. Dixie, you know I love you. I can't even tell you how much. I miss you more than words can possibly express to you and I think of you so often. I pray that all is well with you everyday. I am so honored to have known you and for even a brief time, been able to call you "Mom".

And last, but certainly NOT least....my Bestie....my #10  SEAN PIZZARO

This is my best friend Sean. Stone cold hottie. Sean is currently hospitalized and battling cancer. Recent complications led to this last hospitalization. We came very close to losing him this time. He's been fighting this horrible disease the last couple years of his life. That gorgeous chunky face in the pic with him is my "nephew" Colt. He is Sean's miracle baby. Sean had given up on the idea of having kids because of all the cancer treatments he's undergone. When Colt's momma showed up saying she was pregnant, Sean was skeptical, and rightfully so. I was upset because I thought there was no way he could have kids, so I assumed the girl was toying with him. Well, it turns out, he IS in fact Colt's Daddy. Myself and a lot of Sean's friends dubbed him the "miracle baby". I think Colt is responsible for most of the fight Sean has in him to beat this cancer.(Not that he wasn't a fighter before). The last update on my fighter of a Bestie was that his feeding tube was out and he was eating better on his own. He still doesn't remember anyone yet though. I'm asking anyone who might read this, to please say a prayer for my Bestie. Prayers help, no matter who they come from...and though I know he is stubbornly strong and already a force to be reckoned with...he can use all the prayers he can get. Sean, I love you. You are probably THE strongest man I know, in MORE ways than one. You have been kicking this cancer's butt for a couple years now. You haven't let it win, and I know that you won't let it beat you. You are with me in my heart every single day, and though I can't be there with you, I'm right there by your side...with your hand in mine. I'm that annoying fist in your arm...pushing you to fight harder. I'm that annoying voice in your ear that sounds like a drill sergeant. I will NEVER give up on you, no matter how long this fight takes. Ti Amo migliore amico ♥


These ten people are by NO means the only people I love. I'm pretty sure my friends know that. I just chose people that have touched me in certain ways and I wanted to let them know. I love every last one of you friends that might not be listed here personally. I've come across so many beautiful souls in my life, and to you...I say....I treasure you always. ♥~♥

30 Day Love / Truth Challenge DAY 9: Tell us about the first time you ever made love (not had sex)

Ya know, I actually went to the online dictionary, and typed in the phrase "making love" to see what ITS definition of it was. It basically said "sexual activities, usually including sexual intercourse, between two people". Okay, hmmm, so that is my definition of the word SEX. If I go by Dictionary.com's definition, then I have "made love" during every sexual experience I've had, and well, that's just a crock of fucking horse shit.

When I think of making love, I think of it being on a plane that isn't even CLOSE to just "having sex". I think of an amazing feeling, like there's no other people in the world but the two that are making love. I imagine intense passion, smoldering looks, sweet words, touches that feel like fire on your skin, heights never reached that leave both parties breathless.

I picture caressing, taking your time with each other, exploring every single inch of your partner's body,  gazing into each other's eyes and not seeing a person in the world but them....

I imagine feelings of ecstasy so intense and powerful that you can't even keep your eyes open. I imagine not being able to speak because I'm just too busy "feeling" what's happening to me. I imagine it would be like never wanting the feeling to end.....

I expect it would be one of the most glorious feelings a human being could ever experience. Two people, completely on the same wavelength, emotionally and physically....bonded to each other......

I imagine two bodies, clasped together, sweating and moving in a perfect rhythm with one another. I see heads thrown back, eyes rolled into their heads, and the screams and moans of satisfaction on their way to release as the couple finds release together......

I see two people, exhausted, spent...intertwined together as they drift off to sleep in each other's arms. I see making love as an experience so ethereal that there is nothing that can come close to that feeling in that moment. I see making love as a gift so special that not many people actually share this magic together.


I think both people have to be completely in love in order for making love to even exist. I think too many people label casual sex, or sex with a significant other as making love. You may be a couple, and you may have sex, but that does NOT mean you are "making love".  I have loved people that I've been intimate with. Does that mean we made love? No, unfortunately, it does not. I have been with someone that I loved so intensely that it made my heart ache. Does this mean I was making love? No, not it doesn't. I think everyone just KNOWS that moment in their heart when it's happening. They know instantly, that they are on that same plane...that same plateau with that person. I, regretfully in fact, know that I have yet to experience the true meaning of making love. I hope that one day I'll know the magic that some people have been so blessed to achieve.

~30 Days of Truth~ DAY 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for

When I originally looked through the list of topics for this challenge, at first glance, I thought this one would end up being an easy answer. I thought, "Pffft, that's easy! My kids of course!" However, after some thought, my answer is ME.

I've spent a lot of years disliking myself because of things that happened in my past. I was conceived, born, and then given away by my biological parents (I realize NOW, that was supposed to be an act of love on their parts, but that doesn't mean I don't still have issues over it). I was adopted by 2 people (who in all reality, had NO freaking business being parents). I'll say they "tried" but even THAT is pushing it and being far too nice about the shit. Part of growing up and becoming an adult is having your own mind. Apparently, in my family, that business is frowned upon, because once I knew I had my own and started voicing it, I became the dysfunctional child. I'm the one who doesn't ever do anything right, doesn't do shit by the "rules" (whatever the fuck those even are), the one they wouldn't have adopted if they'd known how I'd turn out.

I've endured some seriously fucked up relationships. I've been with a couple of men who saw me as their personal punching bag. I had it drilled into me on a daily basis just how little they felt I was worth and sadly, as it is with so many other abuse victims, I came to believe that all they said was true. I went through it for about 12 years before I kindly excused myself from those kinds of relationships. It's a shame it took me that long to get out. The really sad thing about women (or men) that have been abused is that the feelings of negativity towards themselves, don't just vanish the instant they're no longer in those relationships anymore. It can sometimes takes YEARS for them to overcome the mental damage that is done. (Some people NEVER overcome it). I'm one of those that it took years to come out on the other side into enlightenment. I didn't even go to counseling or therapy or anything (though that certainly would have been an awesome help if I'd been able to afford to). I owe my personal journey to "recovery" to a string of really awesome friends along the path of my life. I had a very low self image. I'd been told for a long time how fat and ugly I was. It got to the point where I couldn't even stand to look at my damn self in the mirror.  Once I was free of the bonds of those relationships, I had men coming up to me, and telling me how beautiful they thought I was ALL the time. Of course my reaction was always negative. I would tell them to quit with the lies and bullshit. I'd let them know I thought they were just all about "getting in my pants".  Things were so bad in my life at one point, that I actually tried to kill myself, by swallowing a bottle of pills. (Feel free to insert 2x4 forehead smacks on me here). Luckily, I didn't succeed.

Well, it took a long time, but now I don't react like that anymore. I can take compliments a whole lot better than I used to, and I know that it's not always about someone trying to get something out of me. I can hear someone call me something negative, and those old feelings don't come rushing back anymore. I can spot the negative people a little easier now before they have a chance to do any damage to me. (I'm only human, however, and some have made it past the walls and attempted to bring me down again).  I look in the mirror now and think "You're not perfect, but NO ONE is. You are smart! You are beautiful, no matter what anyone else thinks! You deserve the best, and you damn well better go out there and get it!"

So, I made my life worth living. I'M freaking worth it. I "could have" lost it several years ago, and for some reason, I'm still here. That's a bit of an eye opener. I'm still kicking, and there's a lot left for me to do on this earth. I've got 4 gorgeous kids here that I love and I'd like to be around for. I'm a human being, and I make mistakes (A LOT lol) but that's what it's all about. Life doesn't give you reasons to make it worth living...you have to make that happen for yourself.